Yay, I'm back where I was nine weeks ago! Wait...

Omg, good news but SO aggravating at the same time!

I got on the scale today and I'm 229 (lowest so far has been 228.5). Because I've logged my weight on my GoWear Fit, I looked to see when was the last time I logged in at 229 and it was May 14! Argggghhhh and $#&@*%!!!!!

I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but what a freakin' waste! It just pisses me off at myself. And hopefully reignites the fire permanently under my butt. Every time I feel like slacking, I need to remember how I feel right this moment and dedicate myself to myself.

Feeling more empowered

Ever since I've been logging, I feel more in control of what's going on with me. It has really curbed the indiscriminate eating. Just like the Klondike incident the other day, when I know I have to log what I'm eating (especially if the calories don't fit in my plan for the day) -- AND I get to see the net results online after dumping the info from my armband, it really gives me the realization that I'm in the driver's seat, not simply along for the ride.

Yesterday's net calorie deficit was 2010 (ate 862 and expended 2872). Today so far is a calorie deficit of 1801 (though that will grow by a couple hundred calories because I still have 3.5 hours until midnight) showing I have eaten 790 calories and expended (so far) 2591. I'll have the final tally by midnight.

I know when I eat without thinking, I feel SO out of control, and that scares me -- enough so that I usually react by eating more. Smart, huh? But logging everything, good or bad, gives me a fuller picture. And just like the other night when I thought I really blew it by drinking, in reality I was still in a deficit. Had I not logged that and found out the facts, I would have been beating myself up.

Again, though this is not a diet, it's still important for us to see what we're doing, good and bad. Eventually we will all be restricted so much that very little food will go in, but for those who have issues with sliders, you can still keep track.

I love my little friend!

>EDIT< I just uploaded the final tally for tonight:

Calories burned: 3046 (the most I've expended so far [I believe] since having the GWF)
Calories consumed: 820
Calorie deficit: 2226
Total steps: 10,492 (just shy of 4 miles)

I took the dogs for a late-night walk around the block at 11:30 to get in an additional 1106 steps. AND, because I ran some of it, I increased my vigorous activity 4 more minutes, bringing my total to 28 minutes of vigorous activity out of 82 minutes total! :)

Overall a VERY good day! :)

Changin' some stinkin' thinkin'

I went on a fantastic walk/run this afternoon where I not only walked farther, pushing myself on distance, but I ran longer, pushing myself on endurance. On a side note, I came home and downloaded my GoWear Fit to take stock of how I did. Not only did I go just over three miles, but out of a 69-minute workout, 24 of them were vigorous! I have never had so many vigorous minutes logged before!

Though I was listening to my Walkman, I was thinking a bit and doing the math in my head about how long it had been since I had been banded and determining where I should be in my weight loss compared to where I actually am.

In the past, it was nothing for me to lose about 10 pounds a month. Since I have been banded eight months ago, naturally I'm thinking I should have 80 pounds gone. My mind immediately went to that place where I'm griping myself out and saying how I shoulda this and shoulda that, and I immediately stopped and told myself, "I am where I am." Sixty pounds is nothing to sniff at and is a huge progress. And... this is not a race. I'm not racing anybody else, and I am certainly not racing myself. Even my setbacks have only resulted in no weight loss rather than weight gain, which would have been the result without the band.

I am working very hard on dealing with my inner bastard who likes to keep me down and talk to myself in a way that I would never allow a stranger to do. I realize that this is as much mental as it is physical, even with the band. When I'm going through a hard time, I can either reach for the Klondike bar or I can go for a walk. It's MY choice.

And today I choose to love myself right where I am.

Doing something is better than doing nothing

Yesterday was a kind of lazy day -- pretty outside, but just not feeling motivated very much.

However, hubby went down for his second nap about 3:00 (yes, second nap -- after all the drinking we did the night before, lol) and I decided not to totally waste the day and went outside to wash and detail my motorcycle (scrubbing chrome, LOTS of chrome).

I spent about three hours on the task, got most of it done (was making dinner for us and invited the neighbor so had to wrap it up), and downloaded my GoWear Fit last night and was pretty surprised.

I overshot my calories burned by 264 calories, and I got in all of my 5,000 steps and then some (exceeded by 21 steps). And most of that was done during the cleaning (see below):

Fixed a FANTASTIC dinner tonight

Today was hubby's birthday, and I wanted to make something neat with some seafood I had too much of when I prepared other meals this week.

I had some leftover raw shrimp and bay scallops, so I decided to add to that some crab meat and oysters.

Made a base sauce from butter, white wine, the oyster juice left over after removing the oysters from the jar, garlic, lime juice with pulp (I wanted to do lemon but hubby likes limes and had two), and dill.

Cooked it WAY down over a high heat, then lowered the heat and threw in the seafood. Cooked a pot of angel hair pasta about 2/3 of the way done, as was the seafood. Then pulled the pasta out of the pot and added it to the seafood, stirred them both together on a low heat, added fresh parsley and basil, a bit of salt, pepper, and sugar. Served with a bit of shredded parmesan cheese on top. Oh my freakin' God, it was SO GOOD!!

I love when stuff comes together in my head and it turns out good!

Even a "bad" night resulted in a calorie deficit

Hubby and I started drinking wine last night before dinner. I have made a couple dishes lately that have a wine base to them (all low-cal/fat from the recipe book I've listed here), and last night's dish was supposed to be made with white wine. Unfortunately I got a wine that had a colored bottle with a yellow label and top, and because they also have the same in red, I assumed the yellow label meant it was a white wine. WRONG! I had bought a shiraz which, to my chagrin, is apparently a red (don't know if it's good or bad that I don't know my wines, lol).

So after getting a bottle of white from the neighbor, here we were with two bottles of red that needed something done with them. So... we drank them.

Not only did we drink that, but the foodie friends of mine got me a bottle of pink champagne when I hit 50 pounds lost which has been sitting in the fridge for a while now. Not any longer! It's gone too.

And when I drink, my defenses are down. I ended up eating nearly a whole can of low-fat Pringles through the night as well. And some Wheat Thins Fiber Select crackers. Not the best, but not the worst I could have done.

I logged all of that in my GoWear Fit food journal just now and I still showed a 618 calorie deficit for the day. Luckily I went walking/running about 4.5 miles yesterday, which brought my calorie output up much higher.

Today I'm simply taking it easier food-wise. I'm not terribly hungry anyway, so I'm just eating safe stuff.

Nice to see that even what I considered a not-so-great night wasn't quite as bad as I assumed it was. I'm also happy I logged it so I wouldn't feel the "guilts" today. :)

Close call!

Stress is getting to me today and I almost grabbed one of hubby's Klondike Bars -- UNTIL I looked at the calorie information (since I would have to log it) and, OMG, those suckers are 250 calories!!!

Um, no thanks. I grabbed one of my Edy's Frozen Fruit Bars instead for 30 calories and a fat free yogurt for about 80 calories.

WHEW! I'm telling ya, knowing that I had to log that puppy is what stopped me! For those of you still struggling (or simply watching yourself), logging works. It stops that blind eating of sliders and other foods we shouldn't be having.

I was couched on Wednesday

Got busy between then and now, but not a ton to say. Obviously this is the "getting to know you and all your funky quirks and bizarre behaviors" stage, so it was simply an hour of me vomiting my feelings out into the open and her writing furiously, attempting to keep up. I hope next time she brings a laptop. Or a stenographer. It might help her. Poor thing.

I told her right off the bat that I have been banded but that, being only a tool, I am still dealing with the head stuff. I detected a pursing of lips and glazing over of the eyes as I explained this, but maybe it's just my psychosis that made me see that.

She said, "Hey, I'm taking you at where you're at," and then asked me to define some of the jargon that we bandsters use, like "sliders" and how our band can be tight for even drinking.

Hubby came up a lot. So did foodie friends, but hey, I can control how much I see them. I explained to her how most of the time our relationship is just non-eventful with bouts of feeling like I settled. I told her I have learned that a number of people who have WLS or lose vast amounts of weight end up getting divorced, and I tell her that this early in I can see why. I can't get him to go walking with me, to ride bikes with me, to rollerblade with me, to do ANYthing good for me (and him) that we could do together.

Shit, he hardly even has sex with me. Also good for you AND your marriage. WTF? We got in another huge fight about that yesterday and it almost came to blows (from me, I'm so fucking fed up with it). I was halfway hoping he'd jump out of the car on our way out to meet friends. He kept telling me to pull over while we were leaving our neighborhood, and I said, "No. You don't what I want, so I'm not doing what you want." I know, real mature. Still...

I really WANT to be in love with him. I think I still am, but a lot of the time I just don't know anymore. He makes it very hard to do. It's like being in love with a barcalounger -- it's THERE, it serves a purpose, but it does nothing to make itself lovable. In return I have either withdrawn to the computer or lately I've been doing things with friends or away from him. And then I get flack for "not being there." Um... what about the last 15 years or so when I have begged you to do stuff with me or just be into our relationship?? I tell him, "You mow the lawn, do work on the vehicles, and work in your fucking blackberry patch, but you do SHIT for our marriage!!"

I'm afraid I've had it. And of course here I sit with no job, waiting for the phone to ring while thinking about going back to school full-time.

I will eventually convince myself that this relationship is just not healthy for me on more than one level -- the food issue being one of them. I know marriage takes work, but when that's ALL it takes, then it's just not a good thing anymore.

Going back on the couch

I broke down and finally got an appointment with an eating disorder therapist for tomorrow night at 7:30. I always hit a snag with my diets in the past at the 6- to 7-month mark, and it's not much different for me this time either even though it's not a diet. Stressors have always (and recently) made me turn to things that haven't been the best for me (though I've been doing well the last week or so), and I knew from the get-go that I would need therapy along with the band to help me since we all know that the band only works on the stomach, not the head. ;)

I'll detail how it went tomorrow night.

Omg, MORE great low-fat/cal recipes!!

Still bored with the same ol' same ol', so broke out the Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery recipe book again. These are so good it's almost like cheating! Twice now I've been very happy with the results of the recipes as they have tasted very savory.

Tonight's meal consisted of:

Flank Steak Basquaise

1 pound lean flank steak
olive oil cooking spray
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/2 cup red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1/2 pound fresh mushrooms, sliced
1/2 cup dry red wine
2 teaspoons concentrated beef broth
salt and pepper to taste

1. Place flank steak on broiling pan and score top so it won't curl. Broil for 3-5 minutes on each side until medium rare.
2. While steak is broiling, heat cooking spray in a medium nonstick skillet until it's hot but not smoking. Saute onions and garlic for 3 minutes until lightly browned.
3. Add pepper and mushrooms and cook, covered, for 3-5 minutes until soft. Add wine, tomatoes, and beef broth concentrate and cook, stirring occasionally, until liquid is reduced by half.
4. Slice steak, on diagonal, very thin. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Makes 4 servings

Calories: 229.94, Protein: 24.18g, Fat: 9.45g, Carbohydrates: 9.12g; Cholesterol: 65mg, Fiber: 2.03g, Sodium: 292.07mg

I highly recommend doing the meat last, or at least towards the end of the sauce preparation. I did it first, and it was done before everything else was; AND because I was busy and wasn't paying attention, it got broiled for too long. To add to that, I had to stick it back in the oven (covered) before serving because by the time I was done with everything the meat was not too warm.

I did this side to accompany it:

Cauliflower, Mushroom, and Cheddar Casserole

3 cups cauliflower, steamed till soft, about 12 minutes
1 cup fresh white mushrooms, chopped
5 cloves roasted garlic
1/2 pound low-fat cheddar cheese, diced [I used mild cheddar personally, thinking sharp would be too strong]
butter-flavored cooking spray
2 tablespoons ground soy nuts

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. In a large bowl, mix cauliflower, mushrooms, roasted garlic, and cheese
3. Coat a small nonstick baking dish with cooking spray; pour in cauliflower mixture and sprinkle ground soy nuts on top.
4. Spray top with cooking spray and bake for 30 minutes.

Makes 4 servings

Cooking Tip: To roast garlic, take whole unpeeled head of garlic and cut off top, or however many cloves you need. Drizzle with 1 teaspoon olive oil, wrap in foil, and bake at 275 degrees for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. can be stored in refrigerator for up to one week.

(Okay, my note -- we have elephant ear garlic [very large single cloves] and I peeled mine, wrapped in tinfoil, and roasted in the toaster oven on about 400 degrees for 30 minutes. Came out just fine! I'm sure if you use traditional garlic, you can follow all the other directions given by the book but roast hotter and shorter in a toaster oven as well.)

Calories: 151.96, Protein: 17.90g, Fat: 5.58g, Carbohydrates: 8.73g, Cholesterol: 11.88mg, Fiber: 9.11g, Sodium: 370.44mg

I can't tell you how good this stuff was! Next time I will be more careful with the meat, and I can only imagine it will be that much better.

Doing the right things deliver positive results -- who'da thunk?

As promised, I've been logging all my meals since my last fill on Thursday. That meant that when I went to Ocean City with foodie friend wife, I took my computer and logged what I ate to the best of my ability (since we were eating out). The good thing is that I was still on liquids on Friday and mushies on Saturday and Sunday, so I couldn't go hog wild.

Which leads to another snippet: I told foodie friend wife (already told husband on Thursday) about my surgery, my restrictions, and my requirements of myself. She had lots of questions, but all went well.

Anyway, going back to logging. As I knew (duh), logging makes me accountable to myself for what I'm doing. I can't just eat indiscriminately if I know I will have to put it down later and see the good, the bad, and the ugly of my choices. When you know you will have to look at it -- like looking at the scale after a binge -- it makes you think about your choices before you make them rather than kicking yourself in the ass after you've already done the damage.

So far so good! Today I'm only up to just over 1300 calories (where my stats allow for 1600), so I'm happy with what I did today. At one point I was jonesing for something crunchy and salty and was looking for my leftover low-fat Pringles. Thankfully hubby ate them while I was gone, so instead I went for the pistachios. And though they were a better choice, thankfully they were a bit stale (old) so after eating about four of them, I gave up and had an apple. :)

The good thing is the trip to Ocean City resulted in 3027 calories expended and 16,535 steps taken (though that's just over 6 miles, I thought for sure it was going to surpass 20,000, boo) on Saturday. Nice for just walking around (though we hoofed it a bit heading back to the car when we were done on the Boardwalk so that we could make it to the movies in time). Overall, I was very happy to be able to combine a vacation with exercise.

Using my tools

LOG LOG LOG!!!

I got this GoWear Fit to start logging what I'm doing and the food I'm eating. So far I've been downloading the info on the energy I've been exerting, but I had stopped logging food and weight -- obviously because the former wasn't good and the latter was reflecting it. They finally put a feature on the graphs where you can hover your cursor over a specific day of data on the weight graph and it'll give you the date (something it didn't have the last time I posted my weight). I hadn't posted my weight since May 22. Yes, May 22. About six weeks ago.

I just started again yesterday after I got my fill -- starting over, as it were. Starting weight was 232.5 (which I consider a blessing after my mini vacay and eating not so great as 232.5 was what I was before I left), and as of this morning it's 231. I usually do pretty well after my liquids and mushies, about 5 pounds or thereabouts, so by Monday I ought to be (hopefully) close to that.

I know that for me specifically (and likely others generally), if I don't track what I'm eating, I go crazy. I also lose accountability to myself. If I don't log that ice cream, it didn't exist, right? Yeah... that's not working out so well.

So for this next month, I'm going to stay true to myself and log what I'm doing and the weight loss (or gain) that results. Hiding from myself just doesn't work because the evil of my deeds shows up anyway.

I'm feeling so psyched that at 11:30 last night I did 100 sit-ups and then took the dogs outside and I ran the sidewalk back and forth for about two houses in each direction. I got four additional minutes of vigorous exercise to add to the 11 I got from my walk/run earlier in the day. And I'm finding with each run, I'm able to go longer and longer (initial run, that is -- subsequent runs are a bit more challenging).

So I leave for Ocean City today and a weekend of fun with a girlfriend. The good news is I'm on mushies so I can't do as much damage. The funny thing is, she can live on mashed potatoes herself, so I guess we'll be freaking out our wait staff for two days. :)

My dog may not survive my exercise

On an up note, I went out for a walk/run again today. Tuesday I went twice, so I gave myself a break yesterday.

I have this Maltese named Casey who is freakin' adorable. I also have a larger, Golden-mix named Amber. Amber is fine, but Casey could stand to lose a couple pounds (yes, the photo is of them).

Anyway, I've been taking them on these walks, and I've been doing all I can to incorporate some schleppy running in there. Okay, in all fairness, it's not REALLY running, but it loosely resembles it. Think Night of the Living Dead but in 1.5x speed. Not pretty. Kinda like how my friend and I try to hit a ball back and forth with a racket and say it loosely resembles tennis in some form or fashion. Anyway, I digress.

Poor Casey does okay in the beginning, and actually gets up to a little puppy gallop -- but always behind me because, let's face it, his legs are like three inches long. But by the end of our hour, he's heaving and barely trotting, and I notice there is no slack in the leash anymore. I think I actually saw skid marks on the trail due to my pulling him. Slacker.

So today I played the nice mommy and carried him some of the way, but only for the walking part. I don't think his little body could handle the jostling by being held while I do my schleppy run. Then again, he wasn't looking so great in his little drag-run either.

He gets home, gulps down some water, comes over near the couch, and literally collapses on the hardwood floor, all four legs splayed out like he's playing "dead rigor mortis doggie," except that he's panting frantically. Freakin' hilarious!

Well, at least ONE of us is apparently benefitting from it. If I don't kill him first, that is.

I don't think he's ever gonna get it...

Another conversation with the hubby. Trying to figure out where to go for dinner with foodie friend (husband only). I just got a fill today, so I'm on liquids only. I decide I could use some clam chowder (minus the clams, of course... and potatoes... and celery -- so I guess it's just cream). Goes something like this:

HIM: We could go to that little seafood place not far from here. I think on Thursdays they have all-you-can-eat crab.

ME: Omg, please don't put me through that [I LOVE crab, btw].

HIM: What? Won't it bother you no matter what we eat?

ME: Yes, somewhat, but that one is really hard for me.

HIM: [Prattles on with some mindless mumbling and kvetching about who-the-hell-knows-what cuz lord knows I never pay attention to him. Just ask him.]

He goes outside to smoke while foodie friend is on the phone.

I go outside and ask him what the hell his problem is, because it's very obvious nowadays that, as usual, his support of me has waned. He asks what I'm talking about. I tell him that he seems to get less tolerant of my needs as time goes on, like my band is crimping his style (which it MAY be, but that shouldn't be made my problem since I'm the one who has this strangling piece of plastic in my body, limiting what I can have).

It's not like he can't go do whatever he wants. Once or twice, against my better judgment, I have even gone where he wanted to go (can anybody say Golden Corral??) and regretted it.

I told him that about the six-month mark he ALWAYS does this. He even did it when I was dieting. He'd be okay for that long, and then he'd start pouting and acting stupid. Well, MORE stupid.

And here, foodie friend and hubby are talking food, consistency of food, crunch of food, taste of food, density of food, color of food, smell of food, texture of food... I mean, it goes on and on. It's like they're describing the artwork in the Sistine Chapel or the Venus de Milo, for cryin' out loud. WTF is it with these people and FOOD??? Like some people can separate themselves from cigarettes if they stop cold turkey and then are not around it for a time, I truly believe I could be that way with food, if not for these foodaholics around me constantly. GRRR!!!

It may come to a point, if he insists on dragging me down with him of saying something I heard on Dr. Phil yesterday [insert groan here, I know, I know...]: I would rather be healthy without you than sick with you.

Because, frankly, he really doesn't get it.

Oh, and on that note, I told foodie husband friend that I got the band. He was asking about why I was on liquids, and I decided to tell him. I'll tell his wife tomorrow when I see her (we're going to Ocean City for the weekend, and I'll be on liquids, then mushies, the entire trip. Figured it was a good time to say something.) because, maybe if they know what I'm REALLY GOING THROUGH, they'll give me some slack.

Now, if only I could get through to my human garbage disposal.

Slightly tweaked and frustrated

Last month I had a fill issue -- went in for my fill, and he accidentally overfilled me from 4.6cc to 5.8cc. Went in for an un-fill and he said he brought me down to 5cc.

Went in for my fill today, and noooo, I wasn't at 5cc, I was at 4.6cc, back where I started two freakin' months ago. No WONDER I was so hungry after my un-fill! I was teasing the nurse today saying that he said he brought me down to 5cc, but it almost felt like he took OUT 5cc. Now I see what the problem was. And to add insult to injury, I'm UP 4/10 of a pound. I know, not bad, but still... I'm pretty much stagnated for the last two months. I was down 2/10 of a pound last month, and now up 4/10. Ugh...

Now, I'm not slammin' on my fill doc because I really love him. I don't know why the mix-ups twice now, but hopefully I am really at 5.2cc as of today and I'll start feeling less hungry. On top of that, I promised myself that I will begin getting back into this 100 percent again -- tracking food, exercising, POSITIVE OUTLOOK rather than letting things get to me, etc.

And now, I'm going walking. :)

Got off my ass today

TWICE!!

Okay, came back from vacation -- short but sweet, but ate too much junk. I have a fill scheduled for Thursday, and I shouldn't be surprised to find I had a slight gain. It's possible, but truth be told, I haven't been on the scale in a week.

Took the dogs for a walk/run today and logged just over an hour, along with about 6700 steps. I ran a few times, which gave me 8 minutes of vigorous activity (I'm getting all of this from my GoWear Fit).

My friend asked me this evening about 9:00 if I wanted to go out with her to walk, as she is beginning the Couch to 5K program. At first I said, Nah, it's a bit late. But I thought, Heck, go ahead and go. So we did it. Week 1, that is. It's about 30 minutes of exercise, with a 5-minute warm-up, then intermittent walk/runs of 90 seconds and 60 seconds, respectively (eight runs total). The first 60 seconds was a breeze, surprisingly. The second one was a brisk wind. By the end, the run was more like a stale fart. WHEW! But we did it.

I logged 12,734 steps, 22 minutes of vigorous activity, an hour and forty minutes of exercise, and got in all my calorie expenditure and then some, before midnight.

Feels good.

Oh, and here's the proof! lol



(The 5,000 steps is my minimum goal)

Tried some great new recipes tonight

I mentioned some time back a book I got called Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery, and after not using it for a long time and getting bored with eating the same ol' same ol' (which is being whittled down due to some of the issues I'm having with certain meats), I decided to try a recipe or two from the book for dinner tonight.

If you like salmon, you'll really enjoy this. It's got a bit of zip but not too much, and the calorie count is really good on it as well.


Grilled Salmon with Basil Seafood Sauce

olive oil cooking spray
1 pound salmon fillets
1 tablespoon light soy sauce


Basil Seafood Sauce
(makes approximately 1 cup):

1/2 cup fat-free sour cream
1/2 cup low-fat mayonnaise
2 tablespoons prepared horseradish
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
2 teaspoons light soy sauce
2 tablespoons minced dried onion
1 teaspoon fresh ginger, minced
1 tablespoon anchovy paste

1. Spray a broiling pan with cooking spray; place salmon on pan, skin side down, and coat with cooking spray.
2. Sprinkle salmon with soy sauce and broil for 5-7 minutes until cooked through but still moist.
3. While salmon is broiling, combine all sauce ingredients in a small bowl and mix well.
4. Either pour the sauce over the finished salmon or use it for dipping.

Makes 4 servings

SALMON:
Calories: 193.01, Protein: 24.41g, Fat: 9.71g, Carbohydrates: 0.25g, Cholesterol: 70.31mg, Fiber: 0g, Sodium: 197.05mg.

BASIL SEAFOOD SAUCE (2 tablespoons):
Calories: 38.86, Protein: 1.10g, Fat: 3.4g, Carbohydrates: 2.60g, Cholesterol: 7.19mg, Fiber: 0.05g, Sodium: 165.77mg.


I made a side dish to go along with it which also turned out good. I say "good" because hubby had two servings of everything! I've fixed a couple other dishes from this book and he wasn't as keen on them.


Zucchini and Ricotta Rustica

olive oil cooking spray
3 cups (2 medium) zucchini, sliced thin
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 pound Canadian bacon, sliced thin, trimmed of fat and diced
1 1/2 cups fresh tomato, diced
1/2 cup fresh basil, shredded
1/2 cup fat-free ricotta cheese
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese

1. In a large nonstick skillet, heat cooking spray until hot but not smoking. Ad the zucchini, season with salt and pepper, and saute over moderate heat until softened.
2. Stir in the Canadian bacon, tomato, and basil and cook until tomato is softened.
3. Remove from heat and toss with the ricotta and Parmesan cheeses.

Makes 4 servings

Calories: 150.13, Protein: 18.79g, Fat: 5.38g, Carbohydrates: 8.56g, Cholesterol: 5mg, Fiber: 2.07g, Sodium: 701.58mg.

Ruby is a true gem

I'm one of those weirdos who does't have cable (but I DO have indoor plumbing, thank God. Being cable-less is not MY choice. I'm just sayin'...), so I've never gotten a chance to see Ruby, the woman who is documenting her weight loss with a starting weight of over 500 pounds.

I was visiting my sister and caught one episode, but wow, she certainly has done a good job, even though she has so far to go. She's "real people," like all of us are, with her ups and downs, people who are there through the thick and thin (roommate) and people who can't handle her failure and ditch her (the ex-boyfriend).

The episode I caught was right after she lost her father. What a horrible setback that must have been. She gained six pounds, but from what I could see, she was getting back on the wagon. But her depression, not wanting to log her food intake, not wanting to exercise -- well, we've all been there. In some fashion or other, we are all Ruby. She just has farther to go than many of us do.

It made me really notice how, since I haven't been logging my food, I've been doing whatever I want and getting the results I deserve: Zero weight loss or slight gains. I KNOW how important it is to pay attention to that, yet I've chosen -- yes CHOSEN -- to not do it.

I get a fill on Thursday. I promise to myself and all of you that when I begin back on whole foods on Monday, I will start logging and PAYING ATTENTION!!

And maybe I can catch Ruby online to see how she's been doing.

I swear I'm gonna lose it, and it won't be pretty

Foodie friend just sent me (and DH -- she includes him now rather than simply sending this stuff TO him) an e-mail of a place we can ride to.

The place? A chocolate factory. OMFG!!!

I just e-mailed her back and said, "[Name], PLEASE stop sending me stuff like this... it makes my dieting that much harder, and I've really been struggling here lately. :( "

WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON SAYING THIS?????????? WHY??????

Omg, I've been in a kinda bad place because I'm bored and don't get out much to see people while I'm job-hunting, and I haven't done well with all my food choices. As of Saturday morning I was up SEVEN POUNDS from my lowest weight about six weeks ago. It got to the point where I did liquids yesterday and today and, thankfully, as of this morning I've lost five of those pounds.

So yes, the old habits are still there while I work sloooowly towards my sweet spot, but OMG, I just feel like I have fucking landmines everywhere I go!! This is REALLY beginning to piss me off royally.

Oh, and she wrote me earlier asking if I wanted to go to dinner tomorrow night before I leave for my long-weekend vacation. Um, NO!! Though we're not going out anywhere near where we used to, it's been a bit more than I feel comfortable with lately. And unfortunately, because I'm "feeding my emotions" more lately, it's that much harder to say no because I WANT to go out.

I need to just run away. Ditch the friends, ditch the hubby... at least I have a friend in the neighborhood who is also banded and can help keep me grounded. If it wasn't for her, I swear I think I'd totally lose it about now. :(

This is how I spend my Saturdays

>sigh<

http://www.gourmet.com/diaryofafoodie/

Hubby is actually watching a show called Diary of a Foodie. And yes, it's all about food.

Now mind you, we don't even have cable, but the only channels we watch on the weekends are PBS stations which for the most part run nothing but food shows. It gets so old.

After gaining a pound and a half since last night's dinner, I'm not really in the mood. And after telling him that is the first and last time I do a buffet and him arguing with me that for the cost, even for me the value yada yada YADA... I think I just may kill him. Seriously.

I don't care how much he begs...

...never again will I go to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Tonight DH wanted to go to Golden Corral, a smorgasbord of mediocre quasi-food in mass quantities. At one time I really used to like this place, but I guess because my food consumption is limited, I'm a bit more of a food snob now.

But... he begged and said he really wanted to go. I tried to talk him into sushi, and he said, okay, but I'd really like Golden Corral. >sigh< So I gave in. I wasn't really happy about it, and I made my feelings known, but I drove in that direction anyway.

What is worse is it is THIRTY. FRIKKEN. MILES. AWAY. Yes, thirty miles to eat mass quantities of sub-par quasi-food. Color me stoopid.

Oh, and did I mention we ate with the foodie friends? >deep sigh< I never had a chance.

So we went, the food was... okay... and though I didn't eat anywhere the amount I used to, it was still a bit too much. It's easy to do in a setting like that, and it's precisely the reason I have not gone to a buffet since being banded. All I did tonight was prove to myself that it is never to be done again. Ever. No, seriously. What pisses me off the most was that it wasn't even that good. And I overdid it on food that I didn't really enjoy. Nice.

On the plus side, the foodies paid for dinner. :)

What are you hungry for?

I'm watching a late-night episode of Oprah, a show I almost never watch; but it's late, and I'm still up.

Tonight's episode is about overweight teens. The question was asked, "What are you hungry for?"

I think it is the one common denominator which connects all of us who have struggled with our weight. Maybe we're hungry for love; for attention; for acceptance. Maybe we're struggling with past issues and the only way we've learned how to deal is to self-medicate with food. Maybe for some it just became habitual. For others, it's something we do at night in the dark, away from the judgmental stares of others.

For some, maybe we feel invisible, but I can say from experience now that there is nothing more glaring which, at the same time, makes us more invisible than to be fat. I worked with a cutie pie who is just as adorable as she can be, inside and out. Whenever we would go out, people who knew both of us (men or women) would address her and almost stare right through me as if I wasn't there. I often teased her that to go out with her was to be invisible. Though I wasn't really teasing. After a while it just downright hurt.

However, there is nothing more obvious than the very obese. It's amazing how one can be so obvious and so invisible at the same time. I never thought it could be done until I had experienced it myself.

We are all hungry for different things, for different reasons, and it has nothing to do with food. The trick is finding out what that thing is and feeding it something new, whether it be self-assurance, love, attention, acceptance -- whatever it may be. And replacing those bad habits with new ones. When we feel stress, don't grab for the junk food -- go for a walk, read a book, dance, sing, work on a craft, something that feeds your SOUL instead of your belly. Because it's our soul that is really suffering here, not our belly. It's our psyche that needs transformation as much as our bodies, but our bodies can only truly transform after we get our minds straight. Even though the band can help force this transformation, we still have to tackle the impulses which made us reach for food to the point of harming ourselves rather than taking care of our health.

If somebody did to our kids what we do to ourselves, we'd want to kill 'em. If they talked to them the way we often self-speak, we'd let 'em have it -- yet we think noting of doing it to ourselves. WHY? Do we even know? Have we even tried to find out?

The band does not help us unlearn the habit of reaching for food in times of stress, sadness, anger, loneliness, angst, or boredom. It only limits how much of most things we can take in. I still find myself from time to time in this struggle, and I get angry with myself for this. However, I have to realize that the band did not change my habits, it can only change the amount of my food intake. Period.

I've often found myself struggling at the 6-month mark, and this time seems no different. Even though it's NOT A DIET, I think we all go into the journey with rose-colored glasses and a renewed sense of hope that this time it is different. And it IS... yet it isn't. It's certainly no magic bullet. It doesn't make you make good choices. It doesn't make you walk, jog, dance, or get off the couch. It can only do its part with your help, and you have to remember that it relies on you.

I know this time it's different, but at the same time I don't know it. I still have the diet mentality, the thing inside me that is all or nothing -- I'm either doing it all right or I'm doing it all wrong, even though it's a fatalistic way to look at things. I have promised myself I will read Jillian's words of wisdom that I posted yesterday -- that today is a new day and not to beat myself up over a bad meal choice or the fact that I didn't walk the dogs like I promised myself that I would. But at the same time, I have to be sure not to let one bad day turn into two, then three, then a week, then two weeks, then a month. That IS old behavior, and I will do all I can to get myself out of that rut. Because this time it's different. Right?

Rescue me

When life throws you curveballs, you can dodge them or let them hit you right between the eyes. Sometimes, though, you don't get a choice. For the moments when you can't avoid them, create a "Rescue Me" list. What kinds of healthy activities make you feel better? How about enjoying a bubble bath, taking a walk, or getting a massage? The next time you're staring down a crisis, reach for the "Rescue Me" list, not a bag of chips.

Jillian's tip of the day: www.jillianmichaels.com

Suffered a setback? Here's how to get back on the wagon

I get a daily e-mail from Jillian Michaels' site, and today's message hit home. I've been not doing my part the way I could be (exercise, food), and I've been feeling the guilt. Even though we all know this is NOT A DIET, there are still things we can and must do to help the process along. This really spoke to me, and maybe it can help somebody else out there:

It happens — you miss a few workouts and you feel like you've fallen off the weight-loss wagon. It's tempting to mentally slap yourself around, right? (Or head for the fridge.) Before you start, I want to remind you of something: Being hard on yourself is the Old You.

The New You knows how to deal with setbacks and get back on the wagon. And after all, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences. Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost.

And if you miss a workout, it's not the end of the world! Get to the gym the next day and continue to focus on your short-term goals. Just because you made bad choices today doesn't mean you can't start over tomorrow. New day? New beginning. And don't you forget it!

www.jillianmichaels.com

Walking the campus really adds up

I went to the university I'm going back to in the fall term this afternoon. I wanted to meet with my advisor to see what track I'm on and what I should consider doing once I transfer back there from the community college I'm attending now while I finish up my basics.

What was originally was only a meeting with him turned into four different things I needed or wanted to tackle. The university feels like it is a mile wide from end to end, and needless to say, I needed to walk it... from end to end.

I have my GoWear Fit set for a minimum of 5,000 steps, and today I hit over 5,500, most of those on the campus. I took the stairs instead of the elevators, and instead of moving my motorcycle from one parking area to another, I just walked it. Which is saying a lot since today was pretty hot and I was decked out in jeans and boots. :)

Unfortunately I was there much longer than I expected to be, and I didn't get to use my new rollerblades as I had hoped. But tomorrow is another day. :)

The one good thing that came of it was I was so busy that I had to REMEMBER to eat!! Omg, who woulda thunk it?? And because I had class tonight, and everything ran so long and I barely had 30 minutes to head back out again, dinner consisted of a protein drink and a small bag of beef jerkey I picked up on the way out to school. Ahhh, dinner of champions. :)

Do you ever wonder...

...where you'd be in life if those closest to you were a more positive, uplifting force? It's something I think about quite often.

I have spent pretty much all of my life feeling inadequate, that I just didn't measure up, I wasn't good enough, or I would never amount to anything. This is true not only from those that mean the most to you, but maybe even those bully kids who made you feel less than, just because they could. The kids who were all too willing to bring you down so they could feel uplifted.

I'm tired of feeling like when I accomplish something or I'm working hard towards an accomplishment, that people have to point out the mistakes and bad choices that were made in my younger life rather than looking at how I'm excelling now. I'm busting my ass in so many ways, but somehow that gets overshadowed by the used-to-be's.

It's those things that seep into your psyche and make you feel like you can't do anything right, you'll never amount to anything, or in the past, like how dare I think I can actually diet and lose this weight! It's the constant feeding of negativity that just chips away at your self-perception, and your desire to even try. Why? You're just going to fail anyway, right? If all you ever feel is that you can't do it, you will always succeed at that, and you will always prove the critic right.

I can't begin to list how much hard work of mine has been abandoned because of those who have only seen fit to feed into the negativity and never show true faith in me. How different might I have been if those closest to me weren't so critical? :(

Skating on the edge

Well, I decided to be brave today and try inline skating. I got myself the pads today, finally, and was seriously thinking about finding a huge roll of bubble wrap to wrap myself in for added protection. :)

It was a true sight to see! The good news is I didn't break any bones. Heck, I didn't even fall. It was, however, hilarious to see, I'm sure. We had a small audience of people who were sitting on their decks, watching us.

Oh, "us" was my friend ColoradoChick and her husband. They took a lesson about two weekends ago from a sporting facility when they bought their skates. So... they were that much more advanced than I was.

I have, however, done regular skating before when I was younger. I was actually pretty good, too -- could do the backwards skating, some small twirls and stuff. And when I was a young kid I had even done some ice skating. So, considering that inline skating is pretty much a mix of the two, I wasn't exactly coming into it blind.

The only bad thing was the skates don't fit. I don't know if they ever DID fit as I bought them years ago and wore them for about two minutes in my driveway before we moved here. I was also much heavier then, so like I said, I don't know if I bought a size thinking they would fit and they never did (or they were really a men's size), or my feet have shrunk and now swim in them. I couldn't skate as long as I would have liked because, since my feet were pretty much swimming around in them, my bunion bone (not that I have bunions, just the bone) was hitting the hard side and I was feeling a blister forming between my big toe and the ball of my foot.

So now I have to find inline skates that fit. Gah. I keep looking online, but I don't think I want to go that route because they all fit differently. I'd rather try them on in the store and see how they do.

It WAS fun, however! I just have no idea how it is that my GoWear Fit didn't register any of my activity as being vigerous since it sure FELT vigerous! :)

Now let's see if I can move at all tomorrow.

My foodie friend is pulling out the big guns now

Well, she has moved on from sending me pizza coupons via e-mail to sending me this:

Morton’s downtown and Morton's in R******* just launched a three-course $25 lunch menu.

Start out with lobster bisque, baked five onion soup, or one of the restaurant's salads. Entrée choices include grilled prime ribeye with garlic butter and mashed potatoes, grilled colossal shrimp and sea scallops with grilled vegetables and buerre blanc over sauteed spinach, or grilled Northwest king salmon with sauteed garlic green beans. Polish things off with a mini cheesecake or double chocolate mousse.

The lunch deal is available Monday through Friday.

>SIGH...<

I threw my lovers to the curb

Remember the threesome I mentioned some weeks back? The one with Ben and Jerry? Well... they came to visit again.

I know, I know, I need to show some maturity, some restraint, some strength, but they made it through the door anyway. It's cuz they're just so sweet. And rich. And I love their huge nuts. :P

BUT... they only stayed for a bit. I nibbled a little, and threw most of the container in the garbage. And I don't mean the garbage can in the kitchen where I might go rooting around in a few minutes after I finish writing this, full of regret for what I've done -- I mean outside at the curb in the garbage... in the rain... melting.

And it felt good. Bastards.

One fatso please, hold the mayo

Omg, nearly seven months out and when we go out to eat, I automatically want to order like I once did: appetizer, soup, salad, entree... It's as if I want to have it all (still) and have to remind myself that I can't eat like that anymore.

How long does it take the head to catch up? How long before I realize that everything is different now?

We went out for dinner to Ruby Tuesdays with friends last night and I chose what I wanted for dinner (hubby had a buy one-get one coupon), which came with the salad bar automatically, but I found myself also looking at the soup and appetizers. WTF?

I caught myself as I sat there and said, "Whoa, what're you doing?" So I only got the entree. And, as I knew would be the case, ate less than half of it.

I'll be glad (I hope) when I reach the day that my friend has where you eat three bites and you're "stuffed." We call her meals "half a cracker and a shmear." :D

Aaaahhhhhhhh.....

Went in for my un-fill, and I think we were all surprised by the results.

I had gone in on Monday at a 4.6, and Paul asked Sue (the nurse) what she had in my chart as my new fill amount as of the other day, and she said she showed 5.2cc. HOWEVER, he pulled OUT 5.8cc! So THAT explains a LOT... my fill, instead of being .6cc, ended up being 1.2cc!

Other than being aware of some slight irritation, I already feel better!! WHEW!!

Getting a slight unfill today

Omg, this acid thing is getting REAL old.

Yesterday it just went on and on, until late evening when I decided to have some low-fat vanilla ice cream. It seemed to soothe my stomach and tame the acid quite a bit, though it almost felt stuck when I swallowed. I fixed that by drinking some hot broth. I know, not a mix I would necessarily promote, but it DID melt the ice cream. :)

I was able to get some sleep last night, but not restful. I woke up a couple times with a small bit of acid reflux, but once at 3:30 I woke up from a wave of it that nearly drowned me. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!! It burns your throat and goes into your back sinus cavities... ACK!

So today about noon I go in for a slight unfill. I hope and pray that works. I'm not as bad with it this morning as I was yesterday, but it's still rolling around in there. And for me, Mylanta isn't cutting it.

What a miserable night

And no, it doesn't have anything to do with DH. :D

I've been awake all night with reflux. I had my fill yesterday, so of course my first thought is that I'm too tight. I called my doctor's office at about 6:45 this morning to talk to my nurse, and as of now she thinks the combination of being swollen from my PBing the other day and my fill, and then the fact that I had cheese soup not long before I went to bed was enough to cause my problem. I just wanted to be sure it wasn't simply a case that I am too tight, as this is the first time I've had any reflux.

I just assumed that because the soup was liquid, it went right through. Obviously not. To make things worse, I had tomato soup yesterday afternoon too. So add all these acid-based foods to the fact that I am probably double swollen from the PBing and fill, and it was not a good combination.

I just took one of DH's acid controller pills at the request of the nurse, and I almost PBed on it as well. I can tell that within the last few minutes it appears to have passed.

I'm so tired and miserable about now... I'll try to let things settle down and then attempt a nap later on.

The month pretty much wasted

With all my emotional eating this month, today's fill didn't go great. Well, not in the traditional sense.

It's just shy of a month since my last fill, and I am down .2 pounds. That's right, POINT 2. However, with how I was behaving, I SHOULD have gained 10 pounds. So, considering the 10 I would likely have lost had I been a good girl, I kinda gained 10 but it isn't showing up in the normal sense of the word. :)

I want a job. Or maybe I "need" a job. Not because I like working, but because it gives me a stability and a sense of "belonging" that sitting at home doesn't do for me.

Frankly I'm surprised the scale moved even that much, and in the right direction. I was afraid I would be one of the few bandsters who would go in for a fill and actually have gained.

Typically in the mornings I am tight, but by dinnertime I feel that I could get a Yugo down me. Paul said not after today. He says that every time, yet I keep proving him wrong. ;)

So my challenge for myself is over (down to 200 by my birthday next month), but that's okay. I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get going again. Period.

~sigh~

No, dumbass, the reason for my mood ISN'T my job situation. It's YOU and your pussified, whiny self. Gawd, you're thick.

I'm tired of feeling that you're not a man, not a real man -- for so many different reasons. I don't like feeling like I've outgrown you like a bad mullet (is there any other kind of mullet??). I don't like feeling like if you weren't holding me back in that way that you do, I could flourish so much more. I don't like feeling that you were a big part of the reason I became this person -- gained the weight, got angry, acquired an edge that I'd like to shake, feel unsure of myself...

I am so fuckin' fed up with it all -- how it never changes, and how I realize that it never ever ever will. How you'll never grow a set. How you'll stay a mama's boy at the expense of me and my feelings. How you'll never stand up for me and treat me with the type of respect I deserve. How you'll never see how valuable I am to you, until it's too late -- and then you'll try to keep me tied down with you when I become ready to fly.

My "mood" is me giving you the cold shoulder. Maybe "I'm tired" too. But unlike you, I'm tired in a different way, a way that has the word "sick" attached to it. If you want to see me stay that way, keep it up. If you want to see the back of my head as I take my shit with me, keep it up some more.

Know why I'm not getting rid of my bird that hates you and who you hate? Because I'll be damned if YOU will determine if or when that will happen because I just may take my fucking bird with me (along with my dogs, one of whom has been a huge bone of contention between us as well) and get my own place where I can live my own life in peace -- AND with my pets. Right about now, they give me more pleasure than you do. Maybe you know this and they are a threat to you. I don't know and I don't care.

Heaven help you the day I make up my mind. I may be slow to decide, but once I have, it's over. Idiot.

A cryptic message

You know, the day may come when your excuses are not enough -- and I feel good enough about myself that I will act for my own betterment.

"I'm tired" doesn't cut it anymore. Nights sitting on separate couches doesn't cut it anymore. Bullshit excuses, neglect, and nothingness doesn't cut it anymore. I am outgrowing you, and you don't seem to see it. Are you just that dumb, or don't you care? You ACT like you care -- well, you SAY you care -- but then... You will be one of those dumbasses who actually stands there gape-mouthed the day I walk out, not sure what happened. Because you're just that oblivious... or that dumb... or whatever.

When your woman throws herself at you, "I'm tired" doesn't make her want you. Because I promise you, I can find somebody who's not so tired in a freakin' heartbeat. Want me to prove it? Shit, it's not like you exert that much energy for that long. Got my drift, buck-o?

I suggest you get yourself together, become a MAN, and quit giving me these pussified bullshit excuses. Because my thought is: If I'm going to feel lonely, I may as well be alone. You are not irreplaceable.

End rant.

Finally got off my butt today

I've been kinda moping, though the eating has gotten better as of late.

But I sat here today -- realized I missed my Weight Watcher's meeting (last week I plum ditched because I knew I was up a couple pounds) -- and thought I should take the dogs out for a walk.

So I went out for just over an hour and thought I would try some intermittant jogging too. I was pleasantly surprised how long and how far I could jog before stopping -- and even when I DID stop, it wasn't because I felt like I was gonna die. Especially considering how long it's been since I've really done any exercise (I think it's been since my bike riding waaaay back when), I was very happy with today's results.

The dogs, however, are not speaking to me. :(

Am I getting choked by the skinny cow??

Well, I had one crab cluster left over from dinner the other night. Yes, the one I PBed on. Ugh.

Well, because hubby and I had eaten at Red Lobster a week ago and I had handled crap just fine, I assumed I had eaten too quickly or something -- so I figured if I ate slowly and deliberately, I'd be fine with crab today.

Erm, no. However, I don't know if the problem was the crab or the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich I followed it up with right afterwards. Stupid me, I should have waited a bit to see if I was going to tolerate the crab before trying the ice cream. I would think that the "cookie" portion of the ice cream is what gums up the works. I hadn't really thought of it, but when I've eaten it by itself, I've felt a slight tinge of tightness but nothing that didn't pass.

Anyway, now I'm a but gun shy of crab -- which sucks cuz I totally LOVE the stuff. :(

Oh... and as for that pineapple juice thing, I'm not sure if it's meant to dissolve it to get it down, or upset it to bring it up. I was taking tiny sips, but it would come up with the cow. Uck.

How I got rid of crabs

And man, those suckers are MEAN! I know, I know, they SOUND all warm and cuddly and stuff, but don't let 'em fool ya. They lure you in with their ethereal cuteness, and then BLAMMO, they stick it to you.

About now I'd take the ones you have to treat with medicine you buy in unmarked packaging over the ones I PBed for the last hour. Ugh.

So I just got back from the grocery store where I bought pineapple juice. Let's see if that little trick really works.

Okay, since I'm taking it day-by-day right now...

...I'm just posting to say I did well today too.

I had a great salad at Panera Bread (Asian chicken sesame something-or-other) with a side of fruit and some water. For dinner I had two small pieces of pizza before I headed to school. No stress, no stress eating, nothing.

It might be because I feel like I'm at least attempting to take control of some issues which have felt out of control for a while now. :)

Obviously I did well yesterday

I'm down two pounds (of the three I was up) as of this morning. YAY!!

Give somebody the shirt off your back -- and take somebody else's

There are some good ways to handle the "transitional clothing" issue. We all know the thought of buying new clothes to wear for a few months is enough to make you wanna gag, but there are good (and cheaper) ways to do this.

1) Craigslist: Sometimes you can find people selling bulk clothing in your area. Granted, it takes more running around (unless they can provide great pictures and good descriptions), but you may be able to shop for many items at one time and save shipping.

2) eBay: A personal favorite of mine. You can shop from the convenience of your home, late at night, early in the morning, during lunch -- and have the stuff shipped to you. You can even save oftentimes on shipping if you can find numerous items from the same seller as they will typically combine shipping. Many items are new with tags (NWT) or excellent used condition (EUC).

3) Clothing swap: I went on LBT and did a search under the word "clothing" and came up with a list of threads that dealt with this very issue. Though some are pretty old threads, some are much newer and may offer ways to get clothes from others while you dump stuff of your own. Here's the link to my search: http://www.lapbandtalk.com/search.php?searchid=2042206&pp=25

4) Resale shops: Depending on what's in your area, you can possibly find some nice stuff in resale shops. I haven't found one in my area yet (though I haven't really looked very hard), but where I lived before, we had a fantastic one that I loved and which carried some really nice stuff for reasonable prices.

>edit<

5) www.Freecycle.org: Mindy just told me (reminded me, actually) about this site where everything is free and you can swap stuff. Just put in your city/state and it will show you if there are any locations in your area.

Never forget that your work clothing, if in good shape, can also be re-SOLD as well, creating a kind of "slush fund" for getting what you need.

I got an entire wardrobe of 18's and 16's (and a couple 20's as that was my size at the time) for less than $200 a couple months ago. On a side note, I then lost my job, and now the 20's don't fit; and it's possible by the time I get back to work the 18's won't fit. *sigh* ;)

Okay, day-by-day

So far so good today. I need to get moving, but I made some much better choices so far for food.

Breakfast was only coffee because I thought I was going to a "power lunch" with a couple ladies to discuss job prospects, but that got cancelled. So instead I just fixed a Costco (don't know the brand) salmon patty (TOTAL yum) with lemon juice and capers, a spinach salad with pine nuts and dried cranberries, a little bit of corn (kernels), and a fat-free blueberry yogurt.

Feeling not as stressed today. I believe it was all the pep-talks, prayers, and good wishes from my groupies. THANKS, GROUPIES!!

It's so funny that we can give THE best advice to others, but when we find ourselves in a hole, we can't listen to our own selves, but instead need to hear it from others. Hey, whatever works, eh?

Throwing the past away

I've gotten a couple calls recently from an organization that takes donations of clothes or books or other things which are then sold and the money benefits children.

Of course my first reaction when they called was to say, "No, thanks," but when I heard clothes, I thought, hmmm, now THERE'S a plan!

I still plan on selling my nicer stuff on eBay, but I had "play" clothes (printed tee-shirts [which my mother HATES and is SO glad are now gone], casual pants/shorts, etc.) that I needed to get rid of and which I would never sell on eBay because they're just for schlepping around.

I was finally able to secure a date that would work for me, and it was yesterday morning. I almost forget about it before I went to bed (which was 1:30 Monday morning) and then went, CRAP. I get to work cleaning out drawers of my old stuff -- 3X, 2X, even some 1X depending -- and I was able to completely empty out a dresser in a spare bedroom which housed a lot of big stuff. Some of it still had tags on it.

The only slightly disappointing thing was that I found two pairs of size 20 jeans -- my favorite-fitting ones so far (Levis 550 boot-cut) -- with the tags still on them. I forgot I bought them a few years back when I had lost a lot of weight before. The GOOD thing was I also had a pair of 18s that I can use now. YAY! The jeans I will sell, however. Jeans seem to move well.

So... three garbage bags later, I felt purged. It's amazing how little I have now. I guess I need to go shopping. ;)

Great advice from others

Okay, I'm trying to take deep breaths and get a grip. Some of the messages I've been given are things I certainly know, but sometimes I (we?) still need to hear them. Lord knows we're usually good about being able to give it out to others, but that same information doesn't seem to work the same way for ourselves. I guess that's one of the reasons we need one another.

1. This is NOT a diet. This isn't something I will fail. I may have temporary setbacks, but most aspects of the band work in my favor and will, over the long run, give me results.

2. This is NOT going to last forever. Whatever the issue is, it will eventually end, so I just have to realize that I will eventually get back into a routine and have things to keep me busy rather than sitting around and realizing that I'm... sitting around. :)

3. I CAN ask for help, even if it's just words of encouragement from others. In the past I would suffer in silence and eat in the shadows, and I promised myself that I will NOT do that this time. The good, the bad, and the ugly will be reported here. Not only does it make me accountable to myself, it may also speak to others, which is a nice plus.

4. Eating will not make it go away, whatever "it" is. Duh...

5. I need to go outside instead of reaching for the _____________ that is speaking to me. Take a break, get away from the homework and job searching and couch potato ass and GO FOR A WALK. Take the dogs. They will thank me muchly.

6. I need to unlearn reaching for food to make me feel better (especially since it NEVER EVER EVER does) and instead teach myself to do something physical to get my anxiety out, especially since the latter works SO much better. Fire off endorphines, don't take in calories. Simple, no?

Okay, enough. Tomorrow is another day -- and the ice cream is almost gone. *embarassed smile*

Why do emotions manifest in eating instead of cleaning house?

It's been a bad week. Just plain bad. Really. Bad.

I'm sure it's a combination of looking for work/being out of work, having been denied unemployment, boredom, lack of initiative, and a severe brain disorder.

The GOOD news is I'm *only* up about two pounds. The bad news is I feel like I've been eating everything that's not nailed down. Less of it when it happens, but still. And ice cream. Eating around the band. With ice cream. When I feel like crap. Did I mention the ice cream?

I feel like a teenage boy has inhabited my body and is eating through house and home. Why can't I take on the other trait that teenage boys have and just have sex incessantly (well, or at least try to have sex incessantly... nobody says teenage boys actually succeed in this.)?

This has got to stop. Part of it is I feel hungry, but I think the line is blurred a bit as to how much of it is real hunger and how much is head hunger? However, when I eat I can eat a bit more than I should. I can say it's because I've "gotten smaller inside" (and maybe I have), but eating a Yugo is not necessarily better than eating a Buick. Both are large autos. And no good for you.

I've been so bummed I haven't even wanted to post here, but I told myself going into this that THIS is my journal, my gauge of how things are going with me. Besides maybe helping others, it is supposed to primarily help ME. I can't just post all the greatness of bandland because it's inherently dishonest. It's not always great. Not the band, necessarily, but us. We still struggle with the issues that made us eat to begin with. Putting a band around our stomachs never touches our issues; it just makes it harder to react by overeating. Now if only we could get a band for our heads. And if only instead of eating, I would actually clean this house. *sigh*

Arrrrrgggggghhhhhh, somebody snap me out of it!!!!!!!!