Friday, July 17, 2009
I was couched on Wednesday
Got busy between then and now, but not a ton to say. Obviously this is the "getting to know you and all your funky quirks and bizarre behaviors" stage, so it was simply an hour of me vomiting my feelings out into the open and her writing furiously, attempting to keep up. I hope next time she brings a laptop. Or a stenographer. It might help her. Poor thing.
I told her right off the bat that I have been banded but that, being only a tool, I am still dealing with the head stuff. I detected a pursing of lips and glazing over of the eyes as I explained this, but maybe it's just my psychosis that made me see that.
She said, "Hey, I'm taking you at where you're at," and then asked me to define some of the jargon that we bandsters use, like "sliders" and how our band can be tight for even drinking.
Hubby came up a lot. So did foodie friends, but hey, I can control how much I see them. I explained to her how most of the time our relationship is just non-eventful with bouts of feeling like I settled. I told her I have learned that a number of people who have WLS or lose vast amounts of weight end up getting divorced, and I tell her that this early in I can see why. I can't get him to go walking with me, to ride bikes with me, to rollerblade with me, to do ANYthing good for me (and him) that we could do together.
Shit, he hardly even has sex with me. Also good for you AND your marriage. WTF? We got in another huge fight about that yesterday and it almost came to blows (from me, I'm so fucking fed up with it). I was halfway hoping he'd jump out of the car on our way out to meet friends. He kept telling me to pull over while we were leaving our neighborhood, and I said, "No. You don't what I want, so I'm not doing what you want." I know, real mature. Still...
I really WANT to be in love with him. I think I still am, but a lot of the time I just don't know anymore. He makes it very hard to do. It's like being in love with a barcalounger -- it's THERE, it serves a purpose, but it does nothing to make itself lovable. In return I have either withdrawn to the computer or lately I've been doing things with friends or away from him. And then I get flack for "not being there." Um... what about the last 15 years or so when I have begged you to do stuff with me or just be into our relationship?? I tell him, "You mow the lawn, do work on the vehicles, and work in your fucking blackberry patch, but you do SHIT for our marriage!!"
I'm afraid I've had it. And of course here I sit with no job, waiting for the phone to ring while thinking about going back to school full-time.
I will eventually convince myself that this relationship is just not healthy for me on more than one level -- the food issue being one of them. I know marriage takes work, but when that's ALL it takes, then it's just not a good thing anymore.
Posted by Beth at 1:21 PM