Thursday, July 30, 2009
Swimming in a sea of misery
Sorry it's been so long since I've written. The day of my birthday, I left for a visit to go see kiddo and the grandbaby, as well as my best friend whom I haven't seen in over three years.
I stayed with the friend -- on the couch -- and long story short, I felt like she monopolized my time to the detriment of kiddo and the baby. I left there on Sunday with a heavy heart, crying and carrying on with kiddo about how the situation went (including her choice to see her babydaddy's mom WHO LIVES THERE because she said Friday night at a dinner that I attended, "Hey, let's all get together tomorrow too!"). I mean, what kind of heartless bitch DOES that, knowing that somebody flew 1400 miles to see their daughter and granddaughter and asks that said daughter and granddaughter come over??? Okay, getting upset again.
I just felt best friend was selfish with my time, and I'm upset about it. And I'm upset that I let her guilt me into going to see her boyfriend play in a band Friday night rather than insisting kiddo and I have some alone time together. The whole thing was just fucked up.
To boot, while I was there I found out something about hubby that got me upset. It was a situation that had been an issue for us a couple times in the past, and it may have gotten him fired. We had once worked at the same firm, and by the time he was let go, he had been there 11 years. At this point I don't know if it's true because kiddo told me, and frankly she hasn't always been the epitome of truthfulness. The source SHE got it from admits part and denies the part that is the most important to me. I know it all sounds cryptic, but I really don't want to put the facts out there. The fact is, I'm confused, and I don't know what or WHO to believe. Because if it's true, to me this marriage is dead. If it's true, we went through hell for it, for his choices, his vices.
I'm also sulking like a child over my birthday. Granted, I know I left to take my trip on that very day, but still... hubby could have taken the day off, done something nice, done ANYthing... but he didn't. Oh, he took off an hour early to get me to the airport on time, but when I asked him if he was taking the whole day off, he said he didn't want to "waste a day" like that. WHF?? I guess the look on my face told him that, so he said, "Well, I'll take it off if it's going to cause trouble." Um, NO, don't do me any favors, you ass.
I know it's childish, but birthdays and Christmas mean something to me. Especially birthdays. It's YOUR day to be special. He never treats me special like that. We have had more than our fair share of fights over the old,
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"Well, I would like 'X' for my birthday."
"What the hell do you need THAT for?"
"Because [insert reason here]."
"You don't need that."
"Since when was a gift about NEED? If I NEED something, I go get it."
>Silence for weeks or months<
"What do you want for your birthday?"
It has been the source of many a fight. Why the fuck should I have to fight over a gift?? It has turned birthdays and Christmas into utter torture for me. So now I just get myself stuff within a time before my birthday, and though he hates me to spend ANY money, I think he is more relieved that I do it that way. THAT way, he feels he doesn't have to do ANYthing for me. At. All.
Which is what I got. Nothing but a trip to the airport.
I'm REALLY trying to love him, find something redeemable in him, but I just can't anymore. He's immature, fights like he's a juvenile, not thoughtful, oftentimes combative, and let's not forget I don't get sex. Though these days I'm fine not getting it from him. We don't have the same interests, he doesn't like to do the same things I do, and he has no desire to do ANYthing even remotely physical beyond mowing the grass.
You know, people have to WORK at love. It doesn't just happen or continue without some effort. I have told him time and again, even the grass will die if you don't water it. Yet it just gets worse and worse.
Yes, I'm in a poor-me-pity-party-funk, and I know it's ugly and probably sounds immature. I just long to be appreciated and valued again. I long to matter to somebody. Does that make sense?
The GOOD news is I haven't been turning to food. If anything, I'm satisfied with very little since coming back home. Enough so that I've lost five pounds (before you get too excited, I GAINED five pounds on vacation, though I'm not sure how because I felt I wasn't doing so badly).
Posted by Beth at 12:09 PM