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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Swimming in a sea of misery

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. The day of my birthday, I left for a visit to go see kiddo and the grandbaby, as well as my best friend whom I haven't seen in over three years.

I stayed with the friend -- on the couch -- and long story short, I felt like she monopolized my time to the detriment of kiddo and the baby. I left there on Sunday with a heavy heart, crying and carrying on with kiddo about how the situation went (including her choice to see her babydaddy's mom WHO LIVES THERE because she said Friday night at a dinner that I attended, "Hey, let's all get together tomorrow too!"). I mean, what kind of heartless bitch DOES that, knowing that somebody flew 1400 miles to see their daughter and granddaughter and asks that said daughter and granddaughter come over??? Okay, getting upset again.

I just felt best friend was selfish with my time, and I'm upset about it. And I'm upset that I let her guilt me into going to see her boyfriend play in a band Friday night rather than insisting kiddo and I have some alone time together. The whole thing was just fucked up.

To boot, while I was there I found out something about hubby that got me upset. It was a situation that had been an issue for us a couple times in the past, and it may have gotten him fired. We had once worked at the same firm, and by the time he was let go, he had been there 11 years. At this point I don't know if it's true because kiddo told me, and frankly she hasn't always been the epitome of truthfulness. The source SHE got it from admits part and denies the part that is the most important to me. I know it all sounds cryptic, but I really don't want to put the facts out there. The fact is, I'm confused, and I don't know what or WHO to believe. Because if it's true, to me this marriage is dead. If it's true, we went through hell for it, for his choices, his vices.

I'm also sulking like a child over my birthday. Granted, I know I left to take my trip on that very day, but still... hubby could have taken the day off, done something nice, done ANYthing... but he didn't. Oh, he took off an hour early to get me to the airport on time, but when I asked him if he was taking the whole day off, he said he didn't want to "waste a day" like that. WHF?? I guess the look on my face told him that, so he said, "Well, I'll take it off if it's going to cause trouble." Um, NO, don't do me any favors, you ass.

I know it's childish, but birthdays and Christmas mean something to me. Especially birthdays. It's YOUR day to be special. He never treats me special like that. We have had more than our fair share of fights over the old,

"What do you want for your birthday?"

"Well, I would like 'X' for my birthday."

"What the hell do you need THAT for?"

"Because [insert reason here]."

"You don't need that."

"Since when was a gift about NEED? If I NEED something, I go get it."

>Silence for weeks or months<

"What do you want for your birthday?"


It has been the source of many a fight. Why the fuck should I have to fight over a gift?? It has turned birthdays and Christmas into utter torture for me. So now I just get myself stuff within a time before my birthday, and though he hates me to spend ANY money, I think he is more relieved that I do it that way. THAT way, he feels he doesn't have to do ANYthing for me. At. All.

Which is what I got. Nothing but a trip to the airport.

I'm REALLY trying to love him, find something redeemable in him, but I just can't anymore. He's immature, fights like he's a juvenile, not thoughtful, oftentimes combative, and let's not forget I don't get sex. Though these days I'm fine not getting it from him. We don't have the same interests, he doesn't like to do the same things I do, and he has no desire to do ANYthing even remotely physical beyond mowing the grass.

You know, people have to WORK at love. It doesn't just happen or continue without some effort. I have told him time and again, even the grass will die if you don't water it. Yet it just gets worse and worse.

Yes, I'm in a poor-me-pity-party-funk, and I know it's ugly and probably sounds immature. I just long to be appreciated and valued again. I long to matter to somebody. Does that make sense?

The GOOD news is I haven't been turning to food. If anything, I'm satisfied with very little since coming back home. Enough so that I've lost five pounds (before you get too excited, I GAINED five pounds on vacation, though I'm not sure how because I felt I wasn't doing so badly).



  1. Beth, would you prefer to live alone? Do you want to carry on making the effort? Do you think he would prefer to live alone? Have you asked him?
    (Hope you don't mind my asking)

  2. In fits of anger I've said I'm sick of this shit, and he says he is too. Then he makes nicey-nice later on. I think if truth be told, he wouldn't prefer to live alone, and the more things go like this, I WOULD prefer it. I keep trying to hang on, though, and it seems to get me nowhere.

  3. Do you know exactly why you're hanging on? (I'm not asking you to write what you would rather not - it's rhetorical from my point of view). Having experienced a great deal of unhappiness in the the past 5 years I now have this simplistic and stubborn attitude in my "old age" (I'm 56) which is that we owe it to ourselves to be happy, and if that involves being selfish with partners and friends, then so be it. People's positive reactions to this uncompromising attitude have surprised me - if they don't like it they leave me alone, and that's that. I would lay bets that you're never as unhappy in your own company. Your birthday week sounds like a bloody nightmare, and I hope it's some sort of watershed for you - whichever way you decide. Lots of good wishes to you.

  4. I think this past week was a watershed. Right now I'm jobless and without a degree, so leaving is not an option. Though I hate to think that I'm the type to just stay on and use OR simply hope it will get better.

    I'm getting closer and closer to feeling like I would rather live in a cardboard box on the street than be unhappy. I guess that says it right now... :(

  5. My heart goes out to you, Beth :( I was reading your post and I just felt (and I hope I don't overstep a boundary here because you don't know me :) your husband is apathetic. It's all just too hard. Too hard to bother with your birthday, too hard to have to deal with life day to day and that comes across to you as he just doesn't give a shit .. which in all honestly, sounds exactly it's what it is.
    You know, the one thing I always said to myself is .. Life is too damn short to be stuck with someone I don't love and who doesn't love me. I have kids and it would be torture to leave my man and go it alone but if it ever got to that.. then I'm def out of there. Sounds like you have some hard stuff to work through. I wish you well and am thinking of you.
    Cara x

  6. Thanks, Cara. I'm about thisclose to saying screw it. I don't even feel the need to cry anymore. Here lately I was telling my friend that I'm not even mad, which is a very scary place to be. It means you've checked out. I am pretty much here in body, but that's about it.

    And you didn't overstep anything. You're right. For him, life is just too hard to bother participating in. The things you and I do that are real life is too scary and real for him. It was one of the FIRST things that made me really lose respect for him. It only went downhill from there.