Weight Loss Tracker

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I get to meet the most wonderful person today

DD and grandbaby are coming here today. I haven't seen DD since right before I moved here in 2005, and I have never met grandbaby yet (6 months old).

I can hardly wait to hold that little bundle! And wow, is she gorgeous!

The last of 2008 and a new year, new me

How many New Year's resolutions have I gone into with high hopes, promises to myself, and good intent to get this weight off? More than I can count. And then I am reminded about how many times, by March, I was so over that. I'm not sure why, but New Year's resolutions rarely stick.

Well, this year is so different, and by December 31 of 2009, I will be looking back with pride and excitement because of my band. Granted, I will have to do the work too, but I know with my band I will not fail this time. Fifteen years of broken resolutions and feeling horrible about myself, hating how weak I was, not being able to look at myself in the mirror, clothes that were only for covering the body rather than for the enjoyment of the outfit, shortness of breath over the smallest movements, inability to do something as simple as tying my shoes, being self-conscious during sex, feeling invisible... it goes on and on.

This year, 2009, is my year. It's my year of taking my life back from the fat, from the lack of control, from this prison. I am so excited I can't even express how I feel. I see how so many other banders have done and I know I will join those ranks this year -- and I want to cry from the sheer enjoyment of that knowledge.

I'll look FINE in 2009. :)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My hot and cold affair with Richard

Okay, why is this?? I know me, and I know how this will all play out.

I'll start by saying that my exercise has been minimal at best since I got my surgery. Okay, let's be real: I've walked my neighborhood maybe three times, and two of those times was within days after surgery to keep from getting blood clots.

Okay, so I go looking for all my exercise tapes. Last weekend I spent four hours in the basement doing some more unpacking and straightening and looking for stuff. We've lived here three years and I have not yet come across my box of videotapes, many of which consisted of ALL my workout tapes. Gone. Nada. They obviously didn't make it here because I have now officially gone through every. single. box.

Okay, so I started out by buying my Richard Simmons videos in dvd. They've been coming since after Christmas. And of course I've been sick since the day before Christmas. I'm looking at these and wanting to get to work. When I'm sick or otherwise laid up, I really REALLY want to get to work. Know when I get over it? About five minutes after I CAN do it. Then it's like, "Eh, maybe tomorrow." And the next thing you know it is five years and 50 pounds later. Ugh.

New Years resolutions are totally overrated, but for me, this is really an opportunity for a new chance. It just works out that by the time I get over the cruds, I will be six weeks post-op, at least 25 pounds down, and really no reason NOT to start becoming partners with my band rather than making her do all the work for me. And the nice thing is, if I need some ass whoopin', all I need to do is tell my fellow Lap-Bander's that I'm slacking and they will shame me and pummel me into submission. We are Borg. Resistance is futile. :D

I made a mini-goal today by being 25 pounds down. Now it's time to look at loftier goals for the future and reach for the stars. My goal is to be in next winter's Victoria's Secret panty fest on television. I want really big wings.

Made a mini goal today!

Okay, I haven't really set any goals or minis yet, but I will make them as they happen and at my heart's desire. Just because I can. :)

I am down two more pounds since yesterday for a total of 25 since I started my pre-op on 11/14. Six weeks and 25 pounds. WOW! I'll take it -- even though some newbie lap-banders have lost like 150 in the same amount of time. Go figger. lol

If I thought I could survive or not kill somebody, I would stay on liquids forever. Hehehe!

Monday, December 29, 2008


Paul Marino is my beloved fill doctor. I hardly know him, but he is already beloved. Anybody who loves his job and cares for his patients the way he does becomes beloved way quick.

So I figured as I get to know him and hear some of his -isms, I'd put them on here to remember and share.


"If you have a problem with your band, I want you to call me no matter when it is. I would rather have 10 phone calls where I didn't need to do anything than miss one phone call where it was important. However, if you drop a hammer on your toe, do not call me -- unless, of course, you think your band had something to do with it. Then I will help you with your band, but I will not fix your toe."

*after putting on my gown and hair net thingy, he looks at me all serious-like and deadpan* "Before we get started, we have something that is of utmost importance that we need to get clear. You must remove that funny hat before you go out in public."

*I lay on bed and he inserts needle into port (during fluro)*
"C'mon, get up. What do you think, you're on vacation?"

*as we walk towards imaging maching, looking like a slapstick comedy show*
"Now this isn't something you see everyday -- somebody walking around with a needle sticking out of their stomach."

Okay, those are a few. I'll ad as he makes me giggle.

First fill

Dear diary, it's me again... wow. :)

Went and got my first fill. I already love my fill doc. You just want to bundle him up and bring him home. GREAT sense of humor, very warm (hug when I got there), and makes you feel at ease. Everything seems to have gone well. Got a .6 fill, but he says those numbers mean "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING." Emphasis his, of course. Yeah, yeah, I'm just curious anyway. Nyeah. :)

Have another visit scheduled for a month from now but was told if I feel I need a fill.... I said, "You mean if the dog starts looking good and not in that 'awww, isn't Fluffy cute' sort of way?" Yeah, that's pretty much a dead giveaway that it'll be time for a fill.

So I guess stats will be good: Beginning weight - 289; surgery day after 1 week liquid diet - 279; first fill - 266. Paul says any weight lost until now was a bonus, but NOW let the weight loss begin! He demands all the credit for that (which I will gladly give) but won't take any for weight gain (which I will gladly -- er, I will take). Excitement.com!

How to use the word "shit" 832 times in one paragraph

Okay, this is a post just to bitch because now I'm crabby and cranky due to getting NO sleep last night at all:

I'm tired of feeling like shit. Because my sinuses are all screwed up, my face, teeth, and yes, even tongue hurt like shit. I haven't slept worth shit for three days. And I'm tired of this shit (drainage) choking me when I DO try to lay down and sleep. All during this time, all I have been doing is blowing shit out my nose -- when shit is not running out of my eyes, that is, due to my nose being overly blocked. I went out to dinner tonight looking like shit -- nose, mouth, and half my cheeks red and raw and peeling from all the blowing (why is it tissue feels SO soft until you have to blow your nose like three times, and then it turns to evil sandpaper??), and even what I was wearing looked like shit because everything casual I had to wear that is even remotely winter-ish is in the wash (ask CC, she saw me, poor thing!). So I got caught wearing -- get this -- grey spandex body-hugging pants (if you can call them that). In public. To a restaurant no less. Where poor, unsuspecting souls were trying to eat. While 266 pounds (me, not them). With lard-ass. No, not hubby, MY lard ass. I think jusme saw me and wrote in her blog about it (lol). The only things missing were the stirrup thingies to make them look like ridiculous shit. From the 80's. I may as well have worn a nasty belly shirt with the invisible spaghetti straps and a humongous mooseknuckle to really finish off this visible feast (see below for explanation, but I warn ya, swallow now). No doubt I would have had to gouge my own eyeballs out with a spork and be done with it. The world would thank me. My first standing O.

Okay, I don't feel better, but I said "shit" a lot. I'd apologize, but I feel too shitty to care.

Yes, just because I'm just that crabby about now. Admit it, you laughed.


My husband has another woman

I'm at a total loss. DH has an old childhood friend here from back home. They chatter incessantly about the past, about what they did, what trouble they got into, what trouble they kept out of, what so-and-so is doing these days, and... FOOD.

I have watched and listened as my husband describes, for example, Sweetwater Tavern's bread pudding in seductive, delicious detail: the crisp on all sides of the mini bundt-style breading; the cream and butter that most certainly is used to keep the moist bread together; the perfect way it's heated through so that every bite gives you just a bit of crunch AND sweet stickiness; the bourbon sauce that is so delicately poured over and around this delight; and how the buttery ice cream on top perfectly blends with all the other flavors and textures of this treasure and gives him a sensory overload like (I feel) I have never done for him.

My husband has another woman, and that woman is food. I have seen him describe food dishes the way other men describe the curve of a woman's breast, the swell of her hips, the pulse at her throat, the flash of desire in her eyes. As I draw away from food as a living, breathing organism that is there for the pure enjoyment of it and not as a life-sustaining entity, he is still dancing the dance of love with the bread puddings in life.

What about me? As I listened to him describe this dish to his friend today, I almost blurted out that I doubt he gets as big a rush from making love to me as he does by his oral fixation from food. I swear, I almost did, and I swear, I truly believe this to be the case. It hit me like a ton of bricks right then and there, and I felt jealousy! And had it not been for the fact that it would have been more embarassing to ME than to him to admit that he appears to be more seduced and aroused by food than he ever has been of me, I probably would have said something.

So here I am at 4:00 am, trying to sleep on the couch because Mr. Romantic is snoring his ass off in bed so badly that even my ear plugs won't blot him out, and in the quiet of my living room this all just hit me. So... how does one approach their husband about the other woman and tell him how she feels about this affair when the other woman is food?

I am beginning to feel as if I am not the love of my husband's life. :(

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Awesome news!!

My new bandster friend who happens to be my neighbor (Colorado Chick) has a daughter whose situation was up in the air. First she was to be banded yesterday (the 26th), then she got a call five days into her liquid diet that all her bloodwork results hadn't come in and they wouldn't have them until the 5th of January. Then she heard her insurance may not cover this procedure starting in 2009. Needless to say she was a wreck.

She is just THE sweetest thing ever, and my heart broke for her. Well, good news is her mom wrote yesterday that somehow it all got rectified and she DID have her surgery yesterday after all! Welcome to bandster land!! I'm so happy for her!

Losing through the holidays

Originally I had gained a pound last week with all the festivities and parties and stuff. Do-able. Didn't make me freak. Since last week -- well, actually within the last couple days -- I've lost three pounds. And considering that I've been a veritable snot machine since Wednesday, I am now beginning to believe I have blown three pounds of snot. I'll take it. Three pounds is three pounds, right? ;)

Friday, December 26, 2008

I don't know why, but I have to share this

It's not weight related at all, but I wanted to share. I believe I was touched by an angel the other day.

I went to my local hair salon to get my much-needed haircut on the 24th. I have a specific lady I use, so I was waiting for her to free up to do my hair. As I was waiting, a lady (who I feel I've seen before, strangely enough) entered with a young boy and an older young man (maybe 18-20 years old). I figured the younger one was her son, but wasn't so sure about the older young man because she either wasn't old enough to be his mom, or she looked dang good.

Anyway, after a few minutes I could tell the older boy had some sort of impairment -- not super noticeable, but he sounded younger than his age. The younger boy also seemed to be impaired as well because he didn't really interact with people... but he had THE most gorgeous wide-set, HUGE light brown eyes brimmed by these dark, lush lashes! I was mesmerized. A couple times he would seem to look at me, but I could tell he wasn't really taking me in. I waved and said hi. His mom said he can't talk, and I immediately thought maybe it was autism.

Anyway, she was waiting in line to leave his name for a haircut, and in the meantime he (I found out his name was Conner) came over to the chair next to mine and knelt into it to look out the window we were in front of. I talked to him a bit, saying I like to people-watch too, it's really interesting, isn't it? Stuff like that. His mom said it's the wheels of the vehicles going by that gets his attention. After a minute or so, he's just gazing out the window and takes the back of his knuckles and gently rubs my cheek. I just leaned into his stroke and enjoyed him enjoying me. Then he looked right at me and gently grabbed my chin and looked deep into my eyes. It was so sweet, I can't even explain to you.

His mom didn't see this but asked if he was bothering me. I said absolutely not, and then proceeded to tell her how he had stroked my face. she seemed genuinely surprised and said, "Wow, he doesn't do that to just anybody! You must be an angel!" Wow!

Later, after his hair was done and I was in the seat getting mine cut, I asked if Conner could come over to show me is new cut. I told him how handsome he was and wished him a Merry Christmas. I also asked if he had autism or Asberger's (sadly I don't know the difference but know they can be very similarly related), and she said Conner has autism, while the older boy has Asberger's. I truly wanted to understand, and I told her that God gives special children to special people.

The mother was just overwhelmed, and I didn't understand. She said, "You just don't know how people can be. Most people don't accept him." I was floored. How could anybody treat somebody like him like anything less than an angel? But sadly I guess it does happen. She hugged me and said thank you, your kind words mean so much. Not as much as her son's stroke on my face. I was touched by an angel.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Day

Another Christmas is here and gone, but I am having mine while being sick. What I thought was only a cold I now believe may be a bit more due to all the achiness. And HOW does the human body make SO MUCH snot? Omg... And when I sleep and it can't find its way out of my consistently blocked right nostril, my sinuses are overrunning via my right eye. I napped from 3:30 until 7:00 this evening.

However, because my Thanksgiving dinner consisted of chicken brother and other liquids, I was determined to have our Christmas dinner: a little ham, sweet potato, and green beans with garlic. I even bought a quarter of a cheesecake (cut into three slices) and haven't had any yet, even though had I paid one dollar more, I could have had an entire cheesecake. Grrr... what price gouging. But I didn't WANT a whole cheesecake in the house, so I guess it's worth it.

So here I sit, aching and blowing, and blowing and aching, with a cough and sneeze thrown in periodically for good measure. Bah, humbug. But I DID get the motorcycle helmet I've been wanting! Yay!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Feeling like crap

Well, obviously the sickness that has been going around the office found me. Today. The day before Christmas. And I feel like crap. Was okay enough earlier to eat a bit (was out doing last-minute Christmas stuff and got meat lasagna), but now I feel achey and, well, like crap.

I have a feeling that dinner is going to consist of a few hot toddies. :)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Anybody else deal with "eating buddies"?

Omg, I'ma gonna hurt somebody soon, I swear. And likely it'll be DH.

I consider him an "eating buddy" -- somebody whose relationship with me was based very much in food. He's one of the fortunate ones who can eat and not get fat like I did, though he was fat as a child until he went to college.

We also know a couple who are "eating buddies" as well. We went to Hawaii with them back in October, and until last week (the very FIRST day I could eat real food after my surgery) we hadn't seen them since my last day of eating before surgery. So that means for an entire month, we hadn't seen them at all and heard from them only a couple times.

Okay, granted, things are busy right now with the holidays. I get that. But get this: Last Tuesday, my first day of regular eating after mushies, the wife calls me after work and the first words out of her mouth were, "Can you eat?? Can you eat??" They wanted to hook up and go out to eat. I said, "Wow, what did you do, put it in your calendar or something??" I also said, "So, what, we can't hook up and spend time together unless I can eat? Is that what you're telling me??"

Of course she said no, but except for riding motorcycles (which is how I met her husband, via a motorcycle site we both belong to as we both own the same cycle), the only other real connection we have all had is food. They are about the only people hubby and I hang with, so that means that I have THREE individuals who are foodies and "eating buddies" that I have to contend with. *sigh*

The other day hubby said something about having a CiCi's Pizza coupon for $5. For those who don't have a CiCi's near them, it's an all-you-can-eat pizza joint. I told him that my all-you-can-eat days are over. He proceeded to argue with me: "Yeah, but it's only $5. You don't have to eat tons, just eat what you want for $5." It's like he really doesn't get it... Don't get me wrong, he IS supportive, but there comes a time... a time where I guess he starts feeling denied and then wants to eat out here on this day and then that place on another day, and before you know it, we're eating out three to four times a week again. Every diet has gone this way. I'm able to stave off the suggestions for a while, but then...

Omg, I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. My mom suggested that I have just GOT to surround myself with more people like me: Bandsters, or even OA people... get support from people like me. I often think that I could do this so much easier without him around to help me screw it all up, but it's not a good reason to divorce.

Is it? :)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Still eating too fast

I need to get this in check soon since I will be filled by the end of the month. I never was one of those who was the first one finished, but I still eat too fast, especially for the band.

Our bosses took us out to a fantastic luncheon for Christmas today. We went to the same place last year, and I got the trout parmesan like I did last year as it was tasty. It was a large fillet, fresh green beans, and roasted red potatoes. Ate all the fish (protein first, good...), about 1/4 of the beans (veggies second, good), and about three small wedges of potato (starches last, good...). But because we were all making merry and chatting, a few times I caught myself not really chewing and eating it way too fast. :( Oh, and I ate a few slices of sourdough bread. Unfortunately I was really hungry when we got there.

It was also a bit more than I usually have eaten in the last month or so, but I also forgot to drink my shake this morning (boo) so no breakfast. That hasn't happened to me until today, so I'm not too worried in the overall picture. But the eating too fast... not good. I have got to get a handle on that. CONSCIOUS eating is the new way.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

REAL food!

Second post-op visit today, and as of now, I can have real food! And here I sit, not knowing what the hell I want to have. lol

Doing well, have lost three more pounds since I saw them two weeks ago, and I will have my first fill on 12/29. WOOT!

I've been eating crab cakes for two weeks now that I about have them coming out of my ears. However, friends just called and want to go out to eat, so it will be a small Chinese dinner for me tonight.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

This is utterly amazing to me

Partied both Thursday and Friday, including drinks (the first I've had since surgery), though not nearly as many as I would typically do. I've been known to drink like a fish when I drink (which isn't often), but I always figured it was the body mass thing and the ability to absorb so much. But like eating to excess, when I would go out and party, which is rare, I would also drink to excess.

So even though I enjoyed myself and had drinks and some snacks and even felt a tad bit out of control on Friday after the bad (good?) news, I am down two more pounds as of this morning. Gawd, that feels good. Even though I enjoyed myself, I was still conscious, which hasn't happened in a very long time. Woot woot for me! :)

I also feel a bit sad, though. We have a couple we went to Hawaii with in October, people who have been our friends for a couple years. I always told my mom that I was surrounded by foodies -- hubby, and this couple. Everything for them concerns food. This couple were only told that I had a hiatal hernia done and that I was on different phases of food for the following month.

Sadly, we haven't seen them during this whole time. I think the last time we were together was the 13th of November, the very last food day I had before starting liquids. Since then, exactly one month ago now, I am officially down 21 pounds. Wonder how this will all go.

Luckily in the summertime we spend more time together (when I'm not schooling) because we ride motorcycles. His wife doesn't, but hubby and I each ride, so there's something else to do besides food... even though it usually ends up somewhere WITH food... *sigh*

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Feeling blaaah

Well, I didn't get the job. Yeah, it sucks. However, it is also a blessing in disguise. I know God doesn't always give us what we want, but He does give us what we need. The bosses can be such you-know-whats, it was best that I didn't get the position. I just hate that favoritism and brown-nosing are the way it all works these days. If I felt it was ALL due to this other person being the best choice, I'd be a bit more okay with it -- rather than knowing it's 90 percent about the fact that the one boss looks on her as some long-lost child of hers. Blaaah.

Anyway, I wasn't happy yesterday. I finally mustered up enough oomph to congratulate her and lick my wounds. However, there was a State Bar party that we forgot about and were only reminded about 20 minutes before we got off work. Even though I felt blaaah, I didn't mind the thought of drinking and making quasi-merry.

Went to the party and had a few screwdrivers (hey, may as well have some vitamin C with my alcohol, right?) and some appetisers -- bacon-wrapped scallops, small crab cakes, and a spinach dip with crisp breads. Even though I knew I should not really indulge, I did. I've been eating crab cakes for nearly two weeks anyway since I went to mushies, and I had two of the scallops and a small dollop of the spinach. That ended up being dinner, so that wasn't so bad. It was enough to satiate.

However, I DID realize that I was doing a bit of emotional eating after I was told that my co-worker got the job. I had four chocolate "turtles," a medium plate of the torte my friend made (explained in my previous entry), and one small, wafer-thin cookie. I have to say, even though I know what I was doing, and realized it even as I scooped the torte onto my plate, I didn't care. However, compared to the damage I would usually do, I was still proud of myself. Before the band, I would have gorged myself -- and I could have. No real restriction, and tons of leftovers from the party on Thursday. So all in all, if this is the worst I've done, I'm pretty damn proud regardless. This too shall pass. And I wait for the day that the bosses realize they made a HUGE mistake. *evil snicker*

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My first real test

Had my boss's retirement party today. LOTS of goodies, LOTS of sweets, and LOTS of food (everybody brought something, and we hosted for others in the building). Desserts, sandwiches, cake, cookies, and sodas.

I had had lunch (a cup of soup) and figured I'd have a little something from the goodie table. Considering how I usually do, I can't believe how well I did!! I brought some creme puffs from Costco (each about the size of a ping-pong ball) and had four of those, and the only other thing I had was a "torte" that a coworker made which is light and fantastic -- crumbled chocolate cake (no icing) mixed with Cool Whip, chocolate pudding, and topped with crushed Skor bars. I had two small helpings of that.

That's IT... oh, and a bottle of water. And I felt kinda full! I absolutely couldn't believe it! I don't know if my stomach has shrunk or if this is still mostly willpower, but before today I would have had plate after plate of stuff. I chose the two things I would have wanted the most and had some. And I didn't feel guilty. That was the best part of it! I had just a little, and I felt good -- rather than having none and feeling bad or having way too much and feeling worse.

I consider today a real victory.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I can't believe how different it is already

I went to lunch with a coworker today to kind of clear my head over the impending interview later this afternoon, and we went to my very favorite place across the street from work. It's this neat little restaurant with fabulous food, a tad bit pricier than say Chinese or sandwiches (lunch would usually run me about $20 with tip). The one thing I really love of theirs is their soup, but before, I would order a cup of soup, then order a lunch entree -- and usually eat it all to the point of being anywhere between full and stuffed.

Today I ordered a bowl of their crab bisque (which, for this particular bisque, the "bowl" is really just slightly bigger than a cup) and, because I'm still on mushies, a side of mashed potatoes. The soup came with a biscotti-sized slice of toasted sourdough-type bread (which I ate, even though it's not a mushy, but it just looked too good NOT to eat), and get this: I was FULL when I was done!! Not uncomfortable-full, but enough that I realized I was full. So far I've only really been eating until satiated, so I recognized the feeling as slightly full.

What a huge difference! I don't even have restriction yet, but I can't believe that that's all it took!! If it's this great already, wait until I get restriction!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

On a better note

I almost forgot about this, but I didn't really want to add it to the Grrr. :)

I finally told my mom yesterday about my band. I hadn't told any family beyond DH (of course), and though I wanted to tell her, I just didn't. DH thought maybe I shouldn't, that it might cause some issues, but she has been asking me how I've been doing and I've been talking about the foods I've been eating and the weight I've been losing... and then last night she just sounded so worried and asked if there was something wrong with me that I was keeping from her.

I finally felt that maybe I should tell her -- with the express command that she not tell my siblings or her neighbors or family friends (one of her neighbors is an overweight nurse -- the WORST kind of person to tell!). I don't really care if she tells my dad, but I just didn't want everybody else to know. Maybe I'll tell people one day, but right now I just don't feel good about letting people in on that.

Anyway, she was so happy she actually choked up and almost cried. She said she had been so worried for my health and was very happy that I did this for myself. I never thought she would be against it as she had mentioned it a time or two -- and by "it" I mean simply surgery. But until a couple months ago, I really didn't know about LapBand. All I knew about was gastric bypass which was a HUGE no-no for me, so I just pushed aside any talk of surgery.

Anyway, that's one less person. It's getting hard answering some of the questions about why, with a hiatal hernia operation, I have to eat the way I have. My boss at work has been especially nosey, asking questions (of course now SHE thinks she has a hernia) and accusing me of having had something else done. *rolls eyes*


Okay, wow, it's been a whole week since my last post?? How time flies when you're enjoying mushies. I've eaten so many crab cakes I'm afraid I'm going to turn into one, but yum, dinners have been really good.

I realize more and more that I'm really having to be conscious because I could eat more than I am -- I'm just choosing not to. It took nearly two weeks of the scale not moving an OUNCE, but the other day it finally dropped two pounds. Okay, I know I'm in the "healing stage" and shouldn't be concerned about it, but dang it, I've been eating meals off of a saucer -- with actual plate showing -- and nothing? It was getting dang depressing.

So... on to my grrrrr. This isn't weight related, but I think I need to write it out because I'm stressed and upset and upset that I'm upset, and at the same time wondering why I'm upset. Long story short, I'm applying for my boss's position tomorrow (she's retiring by the end of the month). I've been going to school and getting myself prepared for this for over a year-and-a-half, but, you guessed it, there is a golden child in the office that the bigger boss has been prepping and preening and fawning over forever. And if you guessed she wants golden child to get the job, you'd be more than right.

I got a certificate course completed last year in this field -- paid for it myself, even though the state would reimburse me. That's how serious I was about this. I get the certificate, big boss finds out, and was upset with me -- so obvious was it that I went to her and confronted her about her behavior. I took the initiative, did what the golden child could have done (and for free, no doubt, as I essentially paid her way), but she didn't. And I'm treated like a leper.

So that's why I'm upset... I really want the job, but then I wonder WHY I want to work for this woman!! She's a bitch to everybody but the golden child anyway. She can be very disrespectful, catty, and ugly, usually more behind people's backs than to their faces. So I guess that makes her two-faced too. So here is this job I would really love, but it would be working for a woman I don't respect at all. And I know she would make me as miserable as she has tried to make the woman who is on her way out.

This really has me totally confused. The green-eyed monster in me rears up in my head from time to time and says the golden child will get it because of who she knows, not that she'd be the best pick for the job. I'm not saying that I would be fantastic and she wouldn't, but even the hiring panel is totally skewed to virtually assure that she will get it. I know life is not fair, but it's really unfair. I just have to realize that God is probably saving me from certain suicide by spork and that something better will come along. Besides, it gives me time to finish getting my degree so that I will be very ready for the next opportunity.

So long as I remember all this when I'm crying in my crab cakes.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Omg, went to my first post-op appointment today, and they let me do mushies early! Wasn't supposed to start until Friday, but the nurse said I could start today because I was healing so well.

I thought I died and went to heaven. I was already heading to Costco anyway, but now I was going with a true mission. Potato flakes? Check. Tziki? Check. Chili without beans? Check. Hummus? Check. CRAB CAKES?? CHECK! YUM!!

So for dinner tonight I had (okay, I know it sounds weird, but you do what you can on mushies) one crab cake, tziki (which I added with the crab cake, which was fantastic), and hummus. What is so funny is I started to plan for two cakes because, in the past, I would have at LEAST had two. As I was reaching for the second one, my brain said, "Wait, I won't be able to eat all that." WOW, lightbulb moment! It felt really good to not think about how much I could eat as in volume, but for once thinking about how much I could eat as in what was the max.

But boy, that was the best damn crab cake... I told friends it could have been a mud pie, and I would have said the same thing. Just the fact that I could somewhat eat something was FANTASTIC!

Monday, December 1, 2008

I went to my first group today

My doctor has a once-monthly group for bandsters, and I went to the first one tonight. It was a pretty full house, with over a dozen people there. It was nice to meet fellow bandsters and hear how everybody has done with their bands so far.

I don't know if it was a normal meeting, as it started out with a couple questions (with doctors present) and then kinda turned into small clusters of people talking amongst themselves. It wasn't a bad experience for a first meeting, but hubby (who went with me) wondered if it's always like that, and how can you really find anything out that way.

I dunno, I thought it was nice. The more I go, the more I'll figure out how everything goes. And the more questions I'll have to ask. The fact that I'm just now in the liquid phase (until Friday, THANK GOD), I don't even know what I don't know to ask. lol

Anyway, that was my big venture for the day. I still say I would probably benefit from an OA-type group as well, so I will be looking for one.