I swear I'm gonna lose it, and it won't be pretty

Foodie friend just sent me (and DH -- she includes him now rather than simply sending this stuff TO him) an e-mail of a place we can ride to.

The place? A chocolate factory. OMFG!!!

I just e-mailed her back and said, "[Name], PLEASE stop sending me stuff like this... it makes my dieting that much harder, and I've really been struggling here lately. :( "

WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON SAYING THIS?????????? WHY??????

Omg, I've been in a kinda bad place because I'm bored and don't get out much to see people while I'm job-hunting, and I haven't done well with all my food choices. As of Saturday morning I was up SEVEN POUNDS from my lowest weight about six weeks ago. It got to the point where I did liquids yesterday and today and, thankfully, as of this morning I've lost five of those pounds.

So yes, the old habits are still there while I work sloooowly towards my sweet spot, but OMG, I just feel like I have fucking landmines everywhere I go!! This is REALLY beginning to piss me off royally.

Oh, and she wrote me earlier asking if I wanted to go to dinner tomorrow night before I leave for my long-weekend vacation. Um, NO!! Though we're not going out anywhere near where we used to, it's been a bit more than I feel comfortable with lately. And unfortunately, because I'm "feeding my emotions" more lately, it's that much harder to say no because I WANT to go out.

I need to just run away. Ditch the friends, ditch the hubby... at least I have a friend in the neighborhood who is also banded and can help keep me grounded. If it wasn't for her, I swear I think I'd totally lose it about now. :(

This is how I spend my Saturdays

>sigh<

http://www.gourmet.com/diaryofafoodie/

Hubby is actually watching a show called Diary of a Foodie. And yes, it's all about food.

Now mind you, we don't even have cable, but the only channels we watch on the weekends are PBS stations which for the most part run nothing but food shows. It gets so old.

After gaining a pound and a half since last night's dinner, I'm not really in the mood. And after telling him that is the first and last time I do a buffet and him arguing with me that for the cost, even for me the value yada yada YADA... I think I just may kill him. Seriously.

I don't care how much he begs...

...never again will I go to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Tonight DH wanted to go to Golden Corral, a smorgasbord of mediocre quasi-food in mass quantities. At one time I really used to like this place, but I guess because my food consumption is limited, I'm a bit more of a food snob now.

But... he begged and said he really wanted to go. I tried to talk him into sushi, and he said, okay, but I'd really like Golden Corral. >sigh< So I gave in. I wasn't really happy about it, and I made my feelings known, but I drove in that direction anyway.

What is worse is it is THIRTY. FRIKKEN. MILES. AWAY. Yes, thirty miles to eat mass quantities of sub-par quasi-food. Color me stoopid.

Oh, and did I mention we ate with the foodie friends? >deep sigh< I never had a chance.

So we went, the food was... okay... and though I didn't eat anywhere the amount I used to, it was still a bit too much. It's easy to do in a setting like that, and it's precisely the reason I have not gone to a buffet since being banded. All I did tonight was prove to myself that it is never to be done again. Ever. No, seriously. What pisses me off the most was that it wasn't even that good. And I overdid it on food that I didn't really enjoy. Nice.

On the plus side, the foodies paid for dinner. :)

What are you hungry for?

I'm watching a late-night episode of Oprah, a show I almost never watch; but it's late, and I'm still up.

Tonight's episode is about overweight teens. The question was asked, "What are you hungry for?"

I think it is the one common denominator which connects all of us who have struggled with our weight. Maybe we're hungry for love; for attention; for acceptance. Maybe we're struggling with past issues and the only way we've learned how to deal is to self-medicate with food. Maybe for some it just became habitual. For others, it's something we do at night in the dark, away from the judgmental stares of others.

For some, maybe we feel invisible, but I can say from experience now that there is nothing more glaring which, at the same time, makes us more invisible than to be fat. I worked with a cutie pie who is just as adorable as she can be, inside and out. Whenever we would go out, people who knew both of us (men or women) would address her and almost stare right through me as if I wasn't there. I often teased her that to go out with her was to be invisible. Though I wasn't really teasing. After a while it just downright hurt.

However, there is nothing more obvious than the very obese. It's amazing how one can be so obvious and so invisible at the same time. I never thought it could be done until I had experienced it myself.

We are all hungry for different things, for different reasons, and it has nothing to do with food. The trick is finding out what that thing is and feeding it something new, whether it be self-assurance, love, attention, acceptance -- whatever it may be. And replacing those bad habits with new ones. When we feel stress, don't grab for the junk food -- go for a walk, read a book, dance, sing, work on a craft, something that feeds your SOUL instead of your belly. Because it's our soul that is really suffering here, not our belly. It's our psyche that needs transformation as much as our bodies, but our bodies can only truly transform after we get our minds straight. Even though the band can help force this transformation, we still have to tackle the impulses which made us reach for food to the point of harming ourselves rather than taking care of our health.

If somebody did to our kids what we do to ourselves, we'd want to kill 'em. If they talked to them the way we often self-speak, we'd let 'em have it -- yet we think noting of doing it to ourselves. WHY? Do we even know? Have we even tried to find out?

The band does not help us unlearn the habit of reaching for food in times of stress, sadness, anger, loneliness, angst, or boredom. It only limits how much of most things we can take in. I still find myself from time to time in this struggle, and I get angry with myself for this. However, I have to realize that the band did not change my habits, it can only change the amount of my food intake. Period.

I've often found myself struggling at the 6-month mark, and this time seems no different. Even though it's NOT A DIET, I think we all go into the journey with rose-colored glasses and a renewed sense of hope that this time it is different. And it IS... yet it isn't. It's certainly no magic bullet. It doesn't make you make good choices. It doesn't make you walk, jog, dance, or get off the couch. It can only do its part with your help, and you have to remember that it relies on you.

I know this time it's different, but at the same time I don't know it. I still have the diet mentality, the thing inside me that is all or nothing -- I'm either doing it all right or I'm doing it all wrong, even though it's a fatalistic way to look at things. I have promised myself I will read Jillian's words of wisdom that I posted yesterday -- that today is a new day and not to beat myself up over a bad meal choice or the fact that I didn't walk the dogs like I promised myself that I would. But at the same time, I have to be sure not to let one bad day turn into two, then three, then a week, then two weeks, then a month. That IS old behavior, and I will do all I can to get myself out of that rut. Because this time it's different. Right?

Rescue me

When life throws you curveballs, you can dodge them or let them hit you right between the eyes. Sometimes, though, you don't get a choice. For the moments when you can't avoid them, create a "Rescue Me" list. What kinds of healthy activities make you feel better? How about enjoying a bubble bath, taking a walk, or getting a massage? The next time you're staring down a crisis, reach for the "Rescue Me" list, not a bag of chips.

Jillian's tip of the day: www.jillianmichaels.com

Suffered a setback? Here's how to get back on the wagon

I get a daily e-mail from Jillian Michaels' site, and today's message hit home. I've been not doing my part the way I could be (exercise, food), and I've been feeling the guilt. Even though we all know this is NOT A DIET, there are still things we can and must do to help the process along. This really spoke to me, and maybe it can help somebody else out there:

It happens — you miss a few workouts and you feel like you've fallen off the weight-loss wagon. It's tempting to mentally slap yourself around, right? (Or head for the fridge.) Before you start, I want to remind you of something: Being hard on yourself is the Old You.

The New You knows how to deal with setbacks and get back on the wagon. And after all, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences. Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost.

And if you miss a workout, it's not the end of the world! Get to the gym the next day and continue to focus on your short-term goals. Just because you made bad choices today doesn't mean you can't start over tomorrow. New day? New beginning. And don't you forget it!

www.jillianmichaels.com

Walking the campus really adds up

I went to the university I'm going back to in the fall term this afternoon. I wanted to meet with my advisor to see what track I'm on and what I should consider doing once I transfer back there from the community college I'm attending now while I finish up my basics.

What was originally was only a meeting with him turned into four different things I needed or wanted to tackle. The university feels like it is a mile wide from end to end, and needless to say, I needed to walk it... from end to end.

I have my GoWear Fit set for a minimum of 5,000 steps, and today I hit over 5,500, most of those on the campus. I took the stairs instead of the elevators, and instead of moving my motorcycle from one parking area to another, I just walked it. Which is saying a lot since today was pretty hot and I was decked out in jeans and boots. :)

Unfortunately I was there much longer than I expected to be, and I didn't get to use my new rollerblades as I had hoped. But tomorrow is another day. :)

The one good thing that came of it was I was so busy that I had to REMEMBER to eat!! Omg, who woulda thunk it?? And because I had class tonight, and everything ran so long and I barely had 30 minutes to head back out again, dinner consisted of a protein drink and a small bag of beef jerkey I picked up on the way out to school. Ahhh, dinner of champions. :)

Do you ever wonder...

...where you'd be in life if those closest to you were a more positive, uplifting force? It's something I think about quite often.

I have spent pretty much all of my life feeling inadequate, that I just didn't measure up, I wasn't good enough, or I would never amount to anything. This is true not only from those that mean the most to you, but maybe even those bully kids who made you feel less than, just because they could. The kids who were all too willing to bring you down so they could feel uplifted.

I'm tired of feeling like when I accomplish something or I'm working hard towards an accomplishment, that people have to point out the mistakes and bad choices that were made in my younger life rather than looking at how I'm excelling now. I'm busting my ass in so many ways, but somehow that gets overshadowed by the used-to-be's.

It's those things that seep into your psyche and make you feel like you can't do anything right, you'll never amount to anything, or in the past, like how dare I think I can actually diet and lose this weight! It's the constant feeding of negativity that just chips away at your self-perception, and your desire to even try. Why? You're just going to fail anyway, right? If all you ever feel is that you can't do it, you will always succeed at that, and you will always prove the critic right.

I can't begin to list how much hard work of mine has been abandoned because of those who have only seen fit to feed into the negativity and never show true faith in me. How different might I have been if those closest to me weren't so critical? :(

Skating on the edge

Well, I decided to be brave today and try inline skating. I got myself the pads today, finally, and was seriously thinking about finding a huge roll of bubble wrap to wrap myself in for added protection. :)

It was a true sight to see! The good news is I didn't break any bones. Heck, I didn't even fall. It was, however, hilarious to see, I'm sure. We had a small audience of people who were sitting on their decks, watching us.

Oh, "us" was my friend ColoradoChick and her husband. They took a lesson about two weekends ago from a sporting facility when they bought their skates. So... they were that much more advanced than I was.

I have, however, done regular skating before when I was younger. I was actually pretty good, too -- could do the backwards skating, some small twirls and stuff. And when I was a young kid I had even done some ice skating. So, considering that inline skating is pretty much a mix of the two, I wasn't exactly coming into it blind.

The only bad thing was the skates don't fit. I don't know if they ever DID fit as I bought them years ago and wore them for about two minutes in my driveway before we moved here. I was also much heavier then, so like I said, I don't know if I bought a size thinking they would fit and they never did (or they were really a men's size), or my feet have shrunk and now swim in them. I couldn't skate as long as I would have liked because, since my feet were pretty much swimming around in them, my bunion bone (not that I have bunions, just the bone) was hitting the hard side and I was feeling a blister forming between my big toe and the ball of my foot.

So now I have to find inline skates that fit. Gah. I keep looking online, but I don't think I want to go that route because they all fit differently. I'd rather try them on in the store and see how they do.

It WAS fun, however! I just have no idea how it is that my GoWear Fit didn't register any of my activity as being vigerous since it sure FELT vigerous! :)

Now let's see if I can move at all tomorrow.

My foodie friend is pulling out the big guns now

Well, she has moved on from sending me pizza coupons via e-mail to sending me this:

Morton’s downtown and Morton's in R******* just launched a three-course $25 lunch menu.

Start out with lobster bisque, baked five onion soup, or one of the restaurant's salads. Entrée choices include grilled prime ribeye with garlic butter and mashed potatoes, grilled colossal shrimp and sea scallops with grilled vegetables and buerre blanc over sauteed spinach, or grilled Northwest king salmon with sauteed garlic green beans. Polish things off with a mini cheesecake or double chocolate mousse.

The lunch deal is available Monday through Friday.

>SIGH...<

I threw my lovers to the curb

Remember the threesome I mentioned some weeks back? The one with Ben and Jerry? Well... they came to visit again.

I know, I know, I need to show some maturity, some restraint, some strength, but they made it through the door anyway. It's cuz they're just so sweet. And rich. And I love their huge nuts. :P

BUT... they only stayed for a bit. I nibbled a little, and threw most of the container in the garbage. And I don't mean the garbage can in the kitchen where I might go rooting around in a few minutes after I finish writing this, full of regret for what I've done -- I mean outside at the curb in the garbage... in the rain... melting.

And it felt good. Bastards.

One fatso please, hold the mayo

Omg, nearly seven months out and when we go out to eat, I automatically want to order like I once did: appetizer, soup, salad, entree... It's as if I want to have it all (still) and have to remind myself that I can't eat like that anymore.

How long does it take the head to catch up? How long before I realize that everything is different now?

We went out for dinner to Ruby Tuesdays with friends last night and I chose what I wanted for dinner (hubby had a buy one-get one coupon), which came with the salad bar automatically, but I found myself also looking at the soup and appetizers. WTF?

I caught myself as I sat there and said, "Whoa, what're you doing?" So I only got the entree. And, as I knew would be the case, ate less than half of it.

I'll be glad (I hope) when I reach the day that my friend has where you eat three bites and you're "stuffed." We call her meals "half a cracker and a shmear." :D

Aaaahhhhhhhh.....

Went in for my un-fill, and I think we were all surprised by the results.

I had gone in on Monday at a 4.6, and Paul asked Sue (the nurse) what she had in my chart as my new fill amount as of the other day, and she said she showed 5.2cc. HOWEVER, he pulled OUT 5.8cc! So THAT explains a LOT... my fill, instead of being .6cc, ended up being 1.2cc!

Other than being aware of some slight irritation, I already feel better!! WHEW!!

Getting a slight unfill today

Omg, this acid thing is getting REAL old.

Yesterday it just went on and on, until late evening when I decided to have some low-fat vanilla ice cream. It seemed to soothe my stomach and tame the acid quite a bit, though it almost felt stuck when I swallowed. I fixed that by drinking some hot broth. I know, not a mix I would necessarily promote, but it DID melt the ice cream. :)

I was able to get some sleep last night, but not restful. I woke up a couple times with a small bit of acid reflux, but once at 3:30 I woke up from a wave of it that nearly drowned me. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!! It burns your throat and goes into your back sinus cavities... ACK!

So today about noon I go in for a slight unfill. I hope and pray that works. I'm not as bad with it this morning as I was yesterday, but it's still rolling around in there. And for me, Mylanta isn't cutting it.

What a miserable night

And no, it doesn't have anything to do with DH. :D

I've been awake all night with reflux. I had my fill yesterday, so of course my first thought is that I'm too tight. I called my doctor's office at about 6:45 this morning to talk to my nurse, and as of now she thinks the combination of being swollen from my PBing the other day and my fill, and then the fact that I had cheese soup not long before I went to bed was enough to cause my problem. I just wanted to be sure it wasn't simply a case that I am too tight, as this is the first time I've had any reflux.

I just assumed that because the soup was liquid, it went right through. Obviously not. To make things worse, I had tomato soup yesterday afternoon too. So add all these acid-based foods to the fact that I am probably double swollen from the PBing and fill, and it was not a good combination.

I just took one of DH's acid controller pills at the request of the nurse, and I almost PBed on it as well. I can tell that within the last few minutes it appears to have passed.

I'm so tired and miserable about now... I'll try to let things settle down and then attempt a nap later on.

The month pretty much wasted

With all my emotional eating this month, today's fill didn't go great. Well, not in the traditional sense.

It's just shy of a month since my last fill, and I am down .2 pounds. That's right, POINT 2. However, with how I was behaving, I SHOULD have gained 10 pounds. So, considering the 10 I would likely have lost had I been a good girl, I kinda gained 10 but it isn't showing up in the normal sense of the word. :)

I want a job. Or maybe I "need" a job. Not because I like working, but because it gives me a stability and a sense of "belonging" that sitting at home doesn't do for me.

Frankly I'm surprised the scale moved even that much, and in the right direction. I was afraid I would be one of the few bandsters who would go in for a fill and actually have gained.

Typically in the mornings I am tight, but by dinnertime I feel that I could get a Yugo down me. Paul said not after today. He says that every time, yet I keep proving him wrong. ;)

So my challenge for myself is over (down to 200 by my birthday next month), but that's okay. I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get going again. Period.

~sigh~

No, dumbass, the reason for my mood ISN'T my job situation. It's YOU and your pussified, whiny self. Gawd, you're thick.

I'm tired of feeling that you're not a man, not a real man -- for so many different reasons. I don't like feeling like I've outgrown you like a bad mullet (is there any other kind of mullet??). I don't like feeling like if you weren't holding me back in that way that you do, I could flourish so much more. I don't like feeling that you were a big part of the reason I became this person -- gained the weight, got angry, acquired an edge that I'd like to shake, feel unsure of myself...

I am so fuckin' fed up with it all -- how it never changes, and how I realize that it never ever ever will. How you'll never grow a set. How you'll stay a mama's boy at the expense of me and my feelings. How you'll never stand up for me and treat me with the type of respect I deserve. How you'll never see how valuable I am to you, until it's too late -- and then you'll try to keep me tied down with you when I become ready to fly.

My "mood" is me giving you the cold shoulder. Maybe "I'm tired" too. But unlike you, I'm tired in a different way, a way that has the word "sick" attached to it. If you want to see me stay that way, keep it up. If you want to see the back of my head as I take my shit with me, keep it up some more.

Know why I'm not getting rid of my bird that hates you and who you hate? Because I'll be damned if YOU will determine if or when that will happen because I just may take my fucking bird with me (along with my dogs, one of whom has been a huge bone of contention between us as well) and get my own place where I can live my own life in peace -- AND with my pets. Right about now, they give me more pleasure than you do. Maybe you know this and they are a threat to you. I don't know and I don't care.

Heaven help you the day I make up my mind. I may be slow to decide, but once I have, it's over. Idiot.

A cryptic message

You know, the day may come when your excuses are not enough -- and I feel good enough about myself that I will act for my own betterment.

"I'm tired" doesn't cut it anymore. Nights sitting on separate couches doesn't cut it anymore. Bullshit excuses, neglect, and nothingness doesn't cut it anymore. I am outgrowing you, and you don't seem to see it. Are you just that dumb, or don't you care? You ACT like you care -- well, you SAY you care -- but then... You will be one of those dumbasses who actually stands there gape-mouthed the day I walk out, not sure what happened. Because you're just that oblivious... or that dumb... or whatever.

When your woman throws herself at you, "I'm tired" doesn't make her want you. Because I promise you, I can find somebody who's not so tired in a freakin' heartbeat. Want me to prove it? Shit, it's not like you exert that much energy for that long. Got my drift, buck-o?

I suggest you get yourself together, become a MAN, and quit giving me these pussified bullshit excuses. Because my thought is: If I'm going to feel lonely, I may as well be alone. You are not irreplaceable.

End rant.

Finally got off my butt today

I've been kinda moping, though the eating has gotten better as of late.

But I sat here today -- realized I missed my Weight Watcher's meeting (last week I plum ditched because I knew I was up a couple pounds) -- and thought I should take the dogs out for a walk.

So I went out for just over an hour and thought I would try some intermittant jogging too. I was pleasantly surprised how long and how far I could jog before stopping -- and even when I DID stop, it wasn't because I felt like I was gonna die. Especially considering how long it's been since I've really done any exercise (I think it's been since my bike riding waaaay back when), I was very happy with today's results.

The dogs, however, are not speaking to me. :(

Am I getting choked by the skinny cow??

Well, I had one crab cluster left over from dinner the other night. Yes, the one I PBed on. Ugh.

Well, because hubby and I had eaten at Red Lobster a week ago and I had handled crap just fine, I assumed I had eaten too quickly or something -- so I figured if I ate slowly and deliberately, I'd be fine with crab today.

Erm, no. However, I don't know if the problem was the crab or the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich I followed it up with right afterwards. Stupid me, I should have waited a bit to see if I was going to tolerate the crab before trying the ice cream. I would think that the "cookie" portion of the ice cream is what gums up the works. I hadn't really thought of it, but when I've eaten it by itself, I've felt a slight tinge of tightness but nothing that didn't pass.

Anyway, now I'm a but gun shy of crab -- which sucks cuz I totally LOVE the stuff. :(

Oh... and as for that pineapple juice thing, I'm not sure if it's meant to dissolve it to get it down, or upset it to bring it up. I was taking tiny sips, but it would come up with the cow. Uck.

How I got rid of crabs

And man, those suckers are MEAN! I know, I know, they SOUND all warm and cuddly and stuff, but don't let 'em fool ya. They lure you in with their ethereal cuteness, and then BLAMMO, they stick it to you.

About now I'd take the ones you have to treat with medicine you buy in unmarked packaging over the ones I PBed for the last hour. Ugh.

So I just got back from the grocery store where I bought pineapple juice. Let's see if that little trick really works.

Okay, since I'm taking it day-by-day right now...

...I'm just posting to say I did well today too.

I had a great salad at Panera Bread (Asian chicken sesame something-or-other) with a side of fruit and some water. For dinner I had two small pieces of pizza before I headed to school. No stress, no stress eating, nothing.

It might be because I feel like I'm at least attempting to take control of some issues which have felt out of control for a while now. :)

Obviously I did well yesterday

I'm down two pounds (of the three I was up) as of this morning. YAY!!

Give somebody the shirt off your back -- and take somebody else's

There are some good ways to handle the "transitional clothing" issue. We all know the thought of buying new clothes to wear for a few months is enough to make you wanna gag, but there are good (and cheaper) ways to do this.

1) Craigslist: Sometimes you can find people selling bulk clothing in your area. Granted, it takes more running around (unless they can provide great pictures and good descriptions), but you may be able to shop for many items at one time and save shipping.

2) eBay: A personal favorite of mine. You can shop from the convenience of your home, late at night, early in the morning, during lunch -- and have the stuff shipped to you. You can even save oftentimes on shipping if you can find numerous items from the same seller as they will typically combine shipping. Many items are new with tags (NWT) or excellent used condition (EUC).

3) Clothing swap: I went on LBT and did a search under the word "clothing" and came up with a list of threads that dealt with this very issue. Though some are pretty old threads, some are much newer and may offer ways to get clothes from others while you dump stuff of your own. Here's the link to my search: http://www.lapbandtalk.com/search.php?searchid=2042206&pp=25

4) Resale shops: Depending on what's in your area, you can possibly find some nice stuff in resale shops. I haven't found one in my area yet (though I haven't really looked very hard), but where I lived before, we had a fantastic one that I loved and which carried some really nice stuff for reasonable prices.

>edit<

5) www.Freecycle.org: Mindy just told me (reminded me, actually) about this site where everything is free and you can swap stuff. Just put in your city/state and it will show you if there are any locations in your area.

Never forget that your work clothing, if in good shape, can also be re-SOLD as well, creating a kind of "slush fund" for getting what you need.

I got an entire wardrobe of 18's and 16's (and a couple 20's as that was my size at the time) for less than $200 a couple months ago. On a side note, I then lost my job, and now the 20's don't fit; and it's possible by the time I get back to work the 18's won't fit. *sigh* ;)

Okay, day-by-day

So far so good today. I need to get moving, but I made some much better choices so far for food.

Breakfast was only coffee because I thought I was going to a "power lunch" with a couple ladies to discuss job prospects, but that got cancelled. So instead I just fixed a Costco (don't know the brand) salmon patty (TOTAL yum) with lemon juice and capers, a spinach salad with pine nuts and dried cranberries, a little bit of corn (kernels), and a fat-free blueberry yogurt.

Feeling not as stressed today. I believe it was all the pep-talks, prayers, and good wishes from my groupies. THANKS, GROUPIES!!

It's so funny that we can give THE best advice to others, but when we find ourselves in a hole, we can't listen to our own selves, but instead need to hear it from others. Hey, whatever works, eh?

Throwing the past away

I've gotten a couple calls recently from an organization that takes donations of clothes or books or other things which are then sold and the money benefits children.

Of course my first reaction when they called was to say, "No, thanks," but when I heard clothes, I thought, hmmm, now THERE'S a plan!

I still plan on selling my nicer stuff on eBay, but I had "play" clothes (printed tee-shirts [which my mother HATES and is SO glad are now gone], casual pants/shorts, etc.) that I needed to get rid of and which I would never sell on eBay because they're just for schlepping around.

I was finally able to secure a date that would work for me, and it was yesterday morning. I almost forget about it before I went to bed (which was 1:30 Monday morning) and then went, CRAP. I get to work cleaning out drawers of my old stuff -- 3X, 2X, even some 1X depending -- and I was able to completely empty out a dresser in a spare bedroom which housed a lot of big stuff. Some of it still had tags on it.

The only slightly disappointing thing was that I found two pairs of size 20 jeans -- my favorite-fitting ones so far (Levis 550 boot-cut) -- with the tags still on them. I forgot I bought them a few years back when I had lost a lot of weight before. The GOOD thing was I also had a pair of 18s that I can use now. YAY! The jeans I will sell, however. Jeans seem to move well.

So... three garbage bags later, I felt purged. It's amazing how little I have now. I guess I need to go shopping. ;)

Great advice from others

Okay, I'm trying to take deep breaths and get a grip. Some of the messages I've been given are things I certainly know, but sometimes I (we?) still need to hear them. Lord knows we're usually good about being able to give it out to others, but that same information doesn't seem to work the same way for ourselves. I guess that's one of the reasons we need one another.

1. This is NOT a diet. This isn't something I will fail. I may have temporary setbacks, but most aspects of the band work in my favor and will, over the long run, give me results.

2. This is NOT going to last forever. Whatever the issue is, it will eventually end, so I just have to realize that I will eventually get back into a routine and have things to keep me busy rather than sitting around and realizing that I'm... sitting around. :)

3. I CAN ask for help, even if it's just words of encouragement from others. In the past I would suffer in silence and eat in the shadows, and I promised myself that I will NOT do that this time. The good, the bad, and the ugly will be reported here. Not only does it make me accountable to myself, it may also speak to others, which is a nice plus.

4. Eating will not make it go away, whatever "it" is. Duh...

5. I need to go outside instead of reaching for the _____________ that is speaking to me. Take a break, get away from the homework and job searching and couch potato ass and GO FOR A WALK. Take the dogs. They will thank me muchly.

6. I need to unlearn reaching for food to make me feel better (especially since it NEVER EVER EVER does) and instead teach myself to do something physical to get my anxiety out, especially since the latter works SO much better. Fire off endorphines, don't take in calories. Simple, no?

Okay, enough. Tomorrow is another day -- and the ice cream is almost gone. *embarassed smile*

Why do emotions manifest in eating instead of cleaning house?

It's been a bad week. Just plain bad. Really. Bad.

I'm sure it's a combination of looking for work/being out of work, having been denied unemployment, boredom, lack of initiative, and a severe brain disorder.

The GOOD news is I'm *only* up about two pounds. The bad news is I feel like I've been eating everything that's not nailed down. Less of it when it happens, but still. And ice cream. Eating around the band. With ice cream. When I feel like crap. Did I mention the ice cream?

I feel like a teenage boy has inhabited my body and is eating through house and home. Why can't I take on the other trait that teenage boys have and just have sex incessantly (well, or at least try to have sex incessantly... nobody says teenage boys actually succeed in this.)?

This has got to stop. Part of it is I feel hungry, but I think the line is blurred a bit as to how much of it is real hunger and how much is head hunger? However, when I eat I can eat a bit more than I should. I can say it's because I've "gotten smaller inside" (and maybe I have), but eating a Yugo is not necessarily better than eating a Buick. Both are large autos. And no good for you.

I've been so bummed I haven't even wanted to post here, but I told myself going into this that THIS is my journal, my gauge of how things are going with me. Besides maybe helping others, it is supposed to primarily help ME. I can't just post all the greatness of bandland because it's inherently dishonest. It's not always great. Not the band, necessarily, but us. We still struggle with the issues that made us eat to begin with. Putting a band around our stomachs never touches our issues; it just makes it harder to react by overeating. Now if only we could get a band for our heads. And if only instead of eating, I would actually clean this house. *sigh*

Arrrrrgggggghhhhhh, somebody snap me out of it!!!!!!!!

Omg, I need a fill...

...or a brain transplant. 'Nuff said. :(

Went to a WW meeting today

I used to do Weight Watchers in the past (which ones of us haven't, right?), and I saw that there was a meeting close by my house -- and there is no registration fee right now.

I know I can't really follow the meal plan as I don't intend to try to keep up with their points system, but I thought it would be good to go for the support and meetings. They always had pretty good meetings, from what I remembered, and hey, it's cheaper than therapy, right? :)

So I went today, and it was a pretty good turn-out for a holiday weekend. Afterward I met with the leader and told her about my surgery and my intention for the meetings. I said there was a part of me that didn't want to be deceitful and having them think I was losing JUST from using WW. Kinda like, "Results not typical." She was surprisingly accepting and curious about the procedure, as she had learned about it not that long ago herself. She asked what I couldn't eat, etc., and even thought of a woman who works at the facility that houses their meetings who is about 500 pounds, young, and desperate for something to help her. I gave her my doc's name and the LBT website info since some doctor she spoke to told her she wasn't a good candidate for the surgery. I said she needed a second opinion and to call Dr. Pinnar.

Anyway, I signed up for their monthly pass and will go for the support and good overall info. My leader even offered to recognize me at next week's meeting for the 62 pounds I've already lost, if I feel so inclined to do that. I'll think about it... I mean, I DID lose it, but I didn't lose it on WW, so...

I forgot one of THE most important things...

Next to childbirth and marriage, what other important day in history should we celebrate? Our BANDIVERSARIES, of course! The 21st (yes, this is my belated recognition) was my 6-month bandiversary, and I didn't remember it until I was having a conversation with my new Weight Watchers leader (different story) this morning. I remembered on the 19th and thought, "Okay, in a couple days I'll be blogging about it." Guess I got too caught up with my new "jeans ass" and my ass feeling as if it was spanked by some overzealous truck driver. Lots of focus on the ass this week. :)

Imagine my surprise

I bought some jeans recently on eBay. That has become my "mall of choice" lately because I am going through sizes quicker than Bill goes through interns.

I just got some size 18 Levis in the mail yesterday and, though I thought they may not fit yet, I opened them today. Hubby and I were taking the motorcycles out to run errands and sign the gazillion papers necessary when refinancing your own home (go figger), and I always wear jeans when I ride. I looked at my size 20s on the floor (cuz I'm SUCH a good housekeeper), remembering hubby tease me the other day that I had "baggy butt," but I looked at the 18s and thought, "Nah, probably not yet. They look too small." But that little voice which usually tells me to do dire and dastardly things (like spend money we don't have or call my now ex-boss an "effin' hypocrite" -- wonder why I'm not working there... hmmm...) spoke up and instead gave me some good advice: "Try them on!"

I thought, "Meeh, what the heck. What's the worst that can happen? I get them up but can't button them yet... so I just wait a week or so and then I'll be able to."

So I step into them, one leg at a time, and pull them up. Part of me expected them to come to a screeching halt about mid-thigh, but no, they went up and over the hips. Ah, but surely they won't button, and even if they DO button, there's no way I can zip them up without my apron becoming permanently wedged between the teeth of those metal teeth. But... omg, they DID button, and they DID zip -- AND I could still breathe!!! Imagine getting into jeans that look too small, getting them buttoned and zipped, AND you can breathe!! I would have just been happy with NOT being able to breathe, if only I could get them secured! But I could do BOTH?? My gosh, it was like a multiple orgasm. No, really.

I had to look at my shrinking ass in the mirror before I left, so I went into the bathroom and checked it out. Meeh, I wouldn't wish for an ass like that if I saw it on another chick, but I was damn pleased with what I saw.

I have a pair of 16s coming next, but I won't try those yet. I still like breathing. :)

My ass hurts -- and not in that fun, freshly spanked way

Omg, I'm reliving my childhood or something. I broke out the bicycle, the first I've had it out in years. I remember riding it once since I've been here, but that was probably three years ago. And it was ONLY the one time.

About 2:00 today I rode about seven miles and came home. Then I went out again at 5:00 and rode another nine miles. Yes, 16 miles!! The nice thing is that the path I ride has half-mile markers, so I know for sure how far I went.

Even though I have one of those bigger seats with the gel pad, it felt like I was riding on a brick. I guess what I need is one of those large, cushy Barcalounger seats. ;)

The last mile of my second ride, I swear I didn't think I was going to make it. My ass hurt like I had been a bad little minx and needed a spanking baaaad, and I was pedaling so slowly that I swear some little blue hair with a walker passed me by and gave me the finger.

I had my cell on me, but just couldn't imagine THAT phone call: "Um, yeah, honey? Can you come get me? Where am I? Uh... at the front of the subdivision. Hello??"

"I almost didn't recognize you!"

Omg, I love when friends who maybe only see you once a month say that! And what's better, it came from the husband that's one-half of the foodie friends. :)

I want one of these!

*sigh* I doubt I can talk DH into it, but this looks SO COOL! I've been looking at kettlebells at Wal-Mart and Target, but I didn't buy any. Simply put, I felt I would need more than one size, and at $20-somthing a piece, up to over $30, it was a bit hard to figure out what to do.

THEN I saw the commercial for this thing, the Weider Powerbell, and it seemed my prayers were answered! It's adjustable, so it handles the issue of increasing or lowering the weight amount for the workout you are trying to do, and frankly, if you bought seven kettlebells, you'd be HUNDREDS of dollars in the hole.

I can make three payments of $40, which makes it a tad more palatable. But since I got myself my GoWear Fit for my birthday (early, of course, since it isn't until late July), I don't know that I can try for this too. I dunno, I'll see what I can do. Maybe some mowing next door to help pay for it.

I need my basement back

I miss my exercise down there. Of course there's things I can do outside, but still... I'm not doing them consistently enough to be worthwhile right now.

Hubby and I are in the middle of trying to lay some flooring that we removed upstairs when we put down wood flooring. It's that pergo-type snap together stuff. Everything right now is shoved over to one side of the room while we try to figger out what the hell we're doing.

The last ocuple days has been chilly, so that tends to keep you from wanting to go outside. Yesterday I just vegged. Today I tried to wrap up a couple projects I have going which didn't equate to a lot of exercise at all. Tomorrow is another (and predicted to be a warmer) day, so I will promise myself to at least get the dogs out for a walk/run. I've gotta get back into the groove just because I can tend to taper off if I don't cattle-prod my ass. :)

Buh-bye 230's!!

This morning I loved my scale. It said 229. I'm floating! :)

Whose thighs are these??

I work on a laptop all the time and obviously always have it... well, in my lap.

The other day I was looking down and wondered, "Hm, whose thighs are these?" They look so much smaller (not small, mind you, because I'm still over 200 pounds), but compared to before, instead of looking like tree trunks, they look like 5-year-old saplings. ;)

It feels good.

We don't give kids enough credit

I feel like I'm reliving my childhood. I bought a hula hoop last week, and today I broke out my jump rope for the first time (yes, it's been in the package for a few years now!). I went outside with the best of intentions, believing I'd be jumping for an hour or two (lol), but wow, 20 jumps at a time and I was really winded. I'd rest for a few minutes and jump again and, whew, gasp, ugh!

Kids make this shit look so easy. Damn ankle biters!

As of today...

...I weigh less than I did when hubby and I got married. I haven't lost beyond my all-time weight loss amount yet (70 pounds), but I'm sneaking up on it! As of this morning I hit 230.5, which is down exactly 60 pounds. WOW!

My all-time low when I lost weight before was 189. I started out at about 239 at that time, though, so it was "only" 50 pounds lost. A few years ago I belonged to a weight-loss group called Healthy Inspirations (now defunct, I've noticed recently) and started at 290 and went down to 220. Considering that I started before surgery at the same 290, I'm neck-and-neck with the Healthy Inspirations weight loss.

Wow, 10 more pounds to equaling my all-time biggest weight loss, and only 7.5 pounds away from only being "obese" on the BMI scale (down from morbidly obese)!!

No food tastes as good as this feels. I can definitely feel yesterday's fill, too. Even though I am only on liquids, I certainly feel the fluid circling the drain, lol! :)

Omg, wth??

Okay, remember that I redirected the foodie friend to send DH the online coupons for Papa John's? Well, apparently she did this the other day, and she and DH wrote back and forth about what he was going to order (apparently they were having a great sale based on a hockey game that was won). So I get an e-mail from DH with the Papa John's coupon header in the subject line, and I'm thinking, "What??"

So I open it and it's the exchange between him and the friend, and the final part of this e-mail is his list of what he was going to order last night. Sent to me and her. WHY ME?? Omg, and I'm on liquids right now and can't eat real food until SATURDAY.

I was going to respond to it and ask him, "WTH are you doing?" but I realized that he was already on his way home, so I just deleted it.

Wanna know why he sent it to me?? So he could remember what he wanted on the pizza and had a copy of it sent to me so I could tell him. What a doofus. *eye roll*

I am such a loser -- and it's GREAT!

Got my sixth fill today and am up at 4.6cc. I've never asked before, but I have this little card that I've carried in my wallet since before surgery, and I should have had each of my weigh-ins logged in there (including BMI if I so wish). I asked Paul to fill that in for me based on my charts, and I also asked if I could have a copy of my measurements before surgery. The only thing I wish they had was more areas listed, but I'll take what they have.

I lost the 4.5 pounds from my weekend whatever-you-wanna-call-it as of this morning, so I was at my low again of 233. On their scale I was 234.2, which isn't bad at all considering that I have not yet gotten up the nerve to weigh in the nude, lol!

Paul is very happy with my progress, and I told him that I would *like* to get as close to 200 by my 44th birthday on July 22 as possible. That means 33 pounds. It's not NOT do-able, but it's a big bill to fill in 71 days. That's about 14 pounds a month.

I lost 13 pounds this month, and that was even with some not-so-good days, so is it do-able? Yeah, it is. It'll be a solid time of sticking with the program and getting my exercise in, but it's a goal to reach for. So I'm just gonna do it. What would be even better is Onederland (199 or better), but I would be very proud of myself to be 200.

The thing that really excited me today was my measurement stats. They only measured six areas, and one of them (my neck) wasn't included in my prior measurements, so I just listed the before number and what it is today. Here are the results since right before surgery:



I have lost just shy of 4.5 FEET of me!! Omg, I knew I'd be happy if I knew somewhat where I started out (and for the life of me I don't know WHY I didn't do it myself, but...), and it's impressive.

I'm down from 290.6 to 233, totalling 57.6 pounds, and down 53.25 inches! My BMI went from 45.5 (morbidly obese) to 36.5 (severely obese). I am only 10 pounds away from being "just" obese.

I am very happy with how well I've done. *insert happy face here*

I had a three-way, and now the regret sets in

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had a three-way on Saturday. I know it may be every girl's dream (okay, many girls' dreams) to have two men at once, but while it was enjoyable at the time, the regret soon set in. I don't know what I'm more ashamed of -- how much I enjoyed it as it was happening, or how much I regret it now.

These are two guys I've known for some time but lost touch with. They're both sweet and desirable, but there is also an evil side to them. They leave you wanting more while hoping you can resist their pull. You too may have fallen under their spell.

You see, these guys are Ben and Jerry, and for me, their weapon is New York Super Fudge Chunk. A whole pint. At one sitting. I don't even remember breathing during the episode. All I knew is I wanted (needed?) ice cream, and I went and got some. Of course I tell myself that I did better in only getting a pint rather than another brand in a half-gallon (or whatever they try to pass off as a half-gallon these days), but the truth is I didn't need it that badly. I certainly wasn't gonna die without it.

And what's worse is that wasn't the worst part of my weekend. It's like I was eating my last supper (I get another fill tomorrow), and I know that soon enough I won't be able to eat a lot of this stuff. So I got thin-crust pepperoni pizza, and last night was Chinese. *sigh*

So today I'm drinking TONS of water and doing liquids because my scale was up 4.5 pounds!! Which is gonna suck because starting tomorrow I'm on liquids for two additional days. But I must punish myself for my failings, lol, and climb back on that wagon.

The only good thing about all of this is that I can't eat much (other than the ice cream). Chinese last night consisted of General Tso's chicken (three large-ish pieces) and four ribs. Oh, and an egg roll. *gulp*

I can definitely tell I'm due for a fill. Gettin' too much down the gullet these days. :(

I need to get the potato off the couch

I haven't worked out AT ALL for well over a week now. Some of my reasoning (nee excuses) include the fact that my basement is a wreck since I started trying to lay flooring; it's been raining now since LAST Wednesday; and I'm in a funk. Okay, maybe a full-blown depression, but I'm trying to call it a funk so the guys in lab coats don't come and get me. Again. :D

I went out and bought some stuff to help get me motivated, things I don't need to do outside or need my basement for. I got a kit with all different resistance bands and tubes, which include a dvd; a tennis racket and a can of balls (ColoradoChick and I are planning on beating balls to death while dying on the court here in our neighborhood); and a yoga core thingy (a blow-up rubberized disc that is NOT a Bosu ball because, frankly, paying $99 for HALF a ball is just, well, insane) that includes some workout stuff.

Then I came home and ordered a couple books and dvd's from Jillian Michaels. Hey, she keeps making winners on TBL, so maybe she can kick my ass too.

So... let's see if this stuff ever makes it out of their boxes and makes me work out. :D

My scale has an evil sense of humor, and I am not amused

Stepped on this morning and the first number that popped up was 225.5! WTH?? Yesterday I was 233. Maybe I shouldn't have gotton on the dang thing the second or third times, which read, yep, 233. Piece of crap machine. Grrrr...

Where's my mojo??

Okay, I was watching this corny commercial on TV here the other day and it got me thinking. It lists a bunch of stuff you can do for fun that costs $3 or less and shows climbing a tree, buying a goldfish, whistling, dancing, etc. The commercial is for $3 lottery tickets. But one of the things it showed was using a hula hoop. I thought, "Hey, a HULA HOOP! That could be fun exercise!" So I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and got the last freakin' hula hoop they had.

So... I get home, and s-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. It drops to the ground. Um, okay. Let's try this again. S-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. It drops to the ground again. Hm. Once more: S-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. What the...? Ok, then, one more time: S-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. Oh my freakin' God, 'sup?? I can barely get it to go around one dadgum time! I used to be able to do it as a kid, so what gives? Is my waist too big? Hips not swiveling enough? Simply have the body movements of an epileptic chicken on crack? I dunno. But now it's a vendetta. I WILL get that thing moving. No, really. I am. Seriously.

Some people just have to be told, I suppose...

Foodie friend just sent me another Papa John's internet coupon in my e-mail. For those who don't have these, it's a pizza joint.

Okay, I know I had pizza this weekend, but it's the first one I've had since before my surgery in November. It certainly isn't a habit. Now, this friend KNOWS I've been losing weight (though I still haven't told her or her husband about my surgery), so WHY would she send pizza coupons??? GRRR!

So today I finally did what I should have from the onset and sent her a reply:

I will pass this on to [DH], but obviously I'm not eating like this anymore, so I can't do anything with these. :( If you want to pass them on, maybe send them to him at [e-mail address].

Let's see if this does it. I mean, wow... And what's sad is that her husband has diabetes, is suffering from an injury to the bottom of his foot that he got when we were all in Hawaii in OCTOBER, and a big part of the reason it's not healing is he does not take care of himself nutritionally! He could stand to lose about 50 pounds, and I don't think he eats that great, though he SAYS he's been doing better lately and actually seeing a diabetes nutritionist. She, however, is about 5'2" and weighs less than 100 pounds.

But still, you would think I wouldn't have to send this e-mail...

Pizza and emotional eating, but...

...I didn't do as badly as I normally would have.

I found out yesterday that I didn't get the job. I was a bit bummed, and even moreso today for a while. I found myself hungrier than I've been in a while, but then I also spent two days this week doing just liquids, so it's possible that was a good part of that.

I had my protein drink for breakfast, a tiny serving of tuna for a late AM snack, some of my leftover spaghetti for lunch, and then I left the house around 2:30 to get some movies for this rainy weekend.

While there I saw and wanted some Hot Tamales. I had the box this afternoon (more than I anticipated, but yep, I did it) and for dinner pizza sounded good. I was talking to my friend who also has the band and who is a year in who said if I'm gonna do pizza, do it now while I can still eat bread. I ordered two mediums instead of what we used to get (two larges), and all I really wanted was some pepperoni. I got DH the works and me a pepperoni. He had one piece left from the works, and I ate three of the pepperoni. As I sit here, more than 2 1/2 hours after eating, I could have done with 2 or 2 1/2 pieces. It's sitting kinda heavy. But I haven't had pizza in over 5 months, and overall I've been pretty dang good in what I eat.

I talked to my mom and told her that it was a controlled eating spree (as opposed to just grazing from the fridge or cupboard). I knew I wanted these things, had to bring them into the house, and said that today is it. Whatever is left over is DH's for lunch or dinner over the weekend.

I will not beat myself up over this. She said I should look into this part of myself, the part that makes me want to deal with issues with food, but I don't feel bad. I won't feel guilty. It was ONE day, ONE meal (okay, and a snack), and that was it. I can feel my "head" telling me I still want more, but I can feel fullness in my pouch. The head hunger is recognized, ignored, and pushed aside. And I also know the day will come that, except for sliders, I will be limited in what I can eat even if I go through this again.

As it is, I've lost 13 1/2 pounds since my last fill on April 9, and I'm not due for another fill until the 12th. I think that's pretty dang good. I can no longer try working so hard at being perfect because that's just not going to happen. It's not possible. I can't be black or white, good or bad, perfect or imperfect. I realize that there will be days I will slip, but that does not make me imperfect. It just makes me human.

No matter what, this time is different. It's not a diet, so I can't fall off the wagon the same way I have in the past. And what's better? It wasn't that great. I'm not missing much.

And I will find the perfect job for me. :)