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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Relationship struggles while losing weight

The more I've been reading the information I wrote about yesterday, the more it makes me wonder...

I am trying not to over think all of this, but I have felt very neglected for a long time. Specifically sexually. I guess before I used to blame myself and put on weight to create a "reason" for the lack of attention, but my brain is overriding my heart and telling me it's not me. It's him. It's always been him. And here I sit thinking, "Now what? What will I do with this knowledge when I begin to feel that I deserve better than this?"

We have had so many ups and downs that I don't think I know what it is to be normal. There have been times when the only thing that kept me from leaving was my promise before God that I would stick it out through thick and thin.

The fact is, there is no passion. Hasn't been passion for a very long time. It isn't like I haven't tried, but he has this detached, almost clinical way of dealing with life -- when he's not being an ass, that is. Granted, we have taken the edge off his assiness by getting him on meds, but it's as if he has this feeling that just being here and breathing is all that is required to be committed and involved in a marriage. I have told him time after time that you still have to work to keep things from being stale and boring. I don't need swinging from the chandeliers daily or even weekly, but c'mon...

More often than not, I have been lonely in this marriage. And that's the loneliest type of lonely when somebody else is there. About this time last year I was actually looking for new places to move, to be on my own, and I had gotten to a point where I was not afraid to move along and was instead looking forward to it. Granted, at that time, he was being horrible to me -- insanely critical, neurotic, and ugly. It was after that that he finally -- FINALLY -- broke down after many years of me saying he needed meds and got on something.

I am a virile young woman who wants to feel loved. I want to be romanced sometimes. I want -- yes, SEX. I want to not have to wait two weeks (in a good stretch) or six weeks (in a bad one), and I want him to BE there with me emotionally. I could tell you every time it does happen exactly how it's going to go down, it's so uninventive. And some of the actions are nearly robotic.

I never say anything to him about the mechanics of it since I can't complain that it's actually happening, but he'll put more gusto into a good meal than he puts into me or us.

No wonder I always felt it was me, but I'm not willing to take that anymore. It's HIM, and I'm tired of it all. I am not a runaround kind of person, but I do think that I could be swayed. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth. I'm afraid I will feel so starved for attention that I could be convinced to become "that person." I have said this to him more times over the years than I can count, but it doesn't seem to stick. Maybe I don't matter to him, even though he says I do.

I just hate feeling like this... :(


  1. I totally hear you girl! The details may be jumbled and reversed in our relationship but the lonliness even though someone is around really resonates with me and that lonliness is the worst there is. (I also understand the moods and meds bit) At the moment we're in a good place so its hard to conjure up the specifics but I totally understand the attraction to "outside" forces in a marriage and when things are all shit it is so easy to imagine.... I have no answers for you only to be true to yourself and dont waste your pretty on him (they're words from the guy who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You") and dont waste the best years of your life cause you will live to regret it. I unfortunately have little kids stuck in the middle of all my shite and I sometimes count down the days until they could be considered old enough to deal with some of the shit of divorce and if only, only, only only, I could take my own advice. Keep in mind though - no one's perfect - everyone has their shit it just depends on what kind of shit you're willing to put up with cause there will ALWAYS be shit.

  2. I'm beginning to really resent him. This has been going on for most of the 17 years we've been together, and my well of forgiveness has about dried up.

    I got home from school and "Romeo" was in bed already. *rolls eyes*