Sunday, March 22, 2009
Relationship struggles while losing weight
The more I've been reading the information I wrote about yesterday, the more it makes me wonder...
I am trying not to over think all of this, but I have felt very neglected for a long time. Specifically sexually. I guess before I used to blame myself and put on weight to create a "reason" for the lack of attention, but my brain is overriding my heart and telling me it's not me. It's him. It's always been him. And here I sit thinking, "Now what? What will I do with this knowledge when I begin to feel that I deserve better than this?"
We have had so many ups and downs that I don't think I know what it is to be normal. There have been times when the only thing that kept me from leaving was my promise before God that I would stick it out through thick and thin.
The fact is, there is no passion. Hasn't been passion for a very long time. It isn't like I haven't tried, but he has this detached, almost clinical way of dealing with life -- when he's not being an ass, that is. Granted, we have taken the edge off his assiness by getting him on meds, but it's as if he has this feeling that just being here and breathing is all that is required to be committed and involved in a marriage. I have told him time after time that you still have to work to keep things from being stale and boring. I don't need swinging from the chandeliers daily or even weekly, but c'mon...
More often than not, I have been lonely in this marriage. And that's the loneliest type of lonely when somebody else is there. About this time last year I was actually looking for new places to move, to be on my own, and I had gotten to a point where I was not afraid to move along and was instead looking forward to it. Granted, at that time, he was being horrible to me -- insanely critical, neurotic, and ugly. It was after that that he finally -- FINALLY -- broke down after many years of me saying he needed meds and got on something.
I am a virile young woman who wants to feel loved. I want to be romanced sometimes. I want -- yes, SEX. I want to not have to wait two weeks (in a good stretch) or six weeks (in a bad one), and I want him to BE there with me emotionally. I could tell you every time it does happen exactly how it's going to go down, it's so uninventive. And some of the actions are nearly robotic.
I never say anything to him about the mechanics of it since I can't complain that it's actually happening, but he'll put more gusto into a good meal than he puts into me or us.
No wonder I always felt it was me, but I'm not willing to take that anymore. It's HIM, and I'm tired of it all. I am not a runaround kind of person, but I do think that I could be swayed. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth. I'm afraid I will feel so starved for attention that I could be convinced to become "that person." I have said this to him more times over the years than I can count, but it doesn't seem to stick. Maybe I don't matter to him, even though he says I do.
I just hate feeling like this... :(
Posted by Beth at 10:07 PM