Monday, March 23, 2009
Ever feel like running away?
I could SO just leave -- leave the job (I hate it now), leave the husband (not too inspired to stay), and leave my body (though I'm stuck with it as it is for now).
I have been in a funk for a while now, and I don't see it lifting any time soon.
"Romeo" was in bed when I got home from school before 10pm. I'm just SO sick of begging for attention after nearly 17 years of doing it. Either he makes me feel like I can't do anything right, or he makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort it takes to stoke a relationship. Or both.
I think I'm done trying. Right now I can't see divorce since it's not financially feasible, but I don't know that I see us together forever anymore. It took a long time to get to this point because I used to feel lucky for having him. Now I feel kinda like I settled. I wasn't fat when I met him, and I was crazy crazy about him when we met. I really wanted to get married way back then. But over the years, I saw too many sides of him that were just... ugh. Not attentive, not good with people, not a good father to my daughter, always critical, rarely tender...
I don't know. I'm not sure how much of what I'm feeling now is being colored by other things in my life, but I know I have felt this way many MANY times before. Then they get better for a little while, and then it happens again.
It reminds me of the cycle I went through with my ex-husband, where things would be great, then the tension would build, and then he would beat the shit out of me. Then came the honeymoon again, followed by the tension, followed by another beating. I feel as if I'm in the same cycle only without the beatings. It's almost like emotional beatings, though. And I'm tired. For once I am trying to focus on ME, and my "partner" is just... here. Physically.
I hate how this feels. I hate realizing that, as I get even better and healthier, I could see myself leaving him. I hate this.
Posted by Beth at 10:31 PM