Give somebody the shirt off your back -- and take somebody else's

There are some good ways to handle the "transitional clothing" issue. We all know the thought of buying new clothes to wear for a few months is enough to make you wanna gag, but there are good (and cheaper) ways to do this.

1) Craigslist: Sometimes you can find people selling bulk clothing in your area. Granted, it takes more running around (unless they can provide great pictures and good descriptions), but you may be able to shop for many items at one time and save shipping.

2) eBay: A personal favorite of mine. You can shop from the convenience of your home, late at night, early in the morning, during lunch -- and have the stuff shipped to you. You can even save oftentimes on shipping if you can find numerous items from the same seller as they will typically combine shipping. Many items are new with tags (NWT) or excellent used condition (EUC).

3) Clothing swap: I went on LBT and did a search under the word "clothing" and came up with a list of threads that dealt with this very issue. Though some are pretty old threads, some are much newer and may offer ways to get clothes from others while you dump stuff of your own. Here's the link to my search: http://www.lapbandtalk.com/search.php?searchid=2042206&pp=25

4) Resale shops: Depending on what's in your area, you can possibly find some nice stuff in resale shops. I haven't found one in my area yet (though I haven't really looked very hard), but where I lived before, we had a fantastic one that I loved and which carried some really nice stuff for reasonable prices.

>edit<

5) www.Freecycle.org: Mindy just told me (reminded me, actually) about this site where everything is free and you can swap stuff. Just put in your city/state and it will show you if there are any locations in your area.

Never forget that your work clothing, if in good shape, can also be re-SOLD as well, creating a kind of "slush fund" for getting what you need.

I got an entire wardrobe of 18's and 16's (and a couple 20's as that was my size at the time) for less than $200 a couple months ago. On a side note, I then lost my job, and now the 20's don't fit; and it's possible by the time I get back to work the 18's won't fit. *sigh* ;)

Okay, day-by-day

So far so good today. I need to get moving, but I made some much better choices so far for food.

Breakfast was only coffee because I thought I was going to a "power lunch" with a couple ladies to discuss job prospects, but that got cancelled. So instead I just fixed a Costco (don't know the brand) salmon patty (TOTAL yum) with lemon juice and capers, a spinach salad with pine nuts and dried cranberries, a little bit of corn (kernels), and a fat-free blueberry yogurt.

Feeling not as stressed today. I believe it was all the pep-talks, prayers, and good wishes from my groupies. THANKS, GROUPIES!!

It's so funny that we can give THE best advice to others, but when we find ourselves in a hole, we can't listen to our own selves, but instead need to hear it from others. Hey, whatever works, eh?

Throwing the past away

I've gotten a couple calls recently from an organization that takes donations of clothes or books or other things which are then sold and the money benefits children.

Of course my first reaction when they called was to say, "No, thanks," but when I heard clothes, I thought, hmmm, now THERE'S a plan!

I still plan on selling my nicer stuff on eBay, but I had "play" clothes (printed tee-shirts [which my mother HATES and is SO glad are now gone], casual pants/shorts, etc.) that I needed to get rid of and which I would never sell on eBay because they're just for schlepping around.

I was finally able to secure a date that would work for me, and it was yesterday morning. I almost forget about it before I went to bed (which was 1:30 Monday morning) and then went, CRAP. I get to work cleaning out drawers of my old stuff -- 3X, 2X, even some 1X depending -- and I was able to completely empty out a dresser in a spare bedroom which housed a lot of big stuff. Some of it still had tags on it.

The only slightly disappointing thing was that I found two pairs of size 20 jeans -- my favorite-fitting ones so far (Levis 550 boot-cut) -- with the tags still on them. I forgot I bought them a few years back when I had lost a lot of weight before. The GOOD thing was I also had a pair of 18s that I can use now. YAY! The jeans I will sell, however. Jeans seem to move well.

So... three garbage bags later, I felt purged. It's amazing how little I have now. I guess I need to go shopping. ;)

Great advice from others

Okay, I'm trying to take deep breaths and get a grip. Some of the messages I've been given are things I certainly know, but sometimes I (we?) still need to hear them. Lord knows we're usually good about being able to give it out to others, but that same information doesn't seem to work the same way for ourselves. I guess that's one of the reasons we need one another.

1. This is NOT a diet. This isn't something I will fail. I may have temporary setbacks, but most aspects of the band work in my favor and will, over the long run, give me results.

2. This is NOT going to last forever. Whatever the issue is, it will eventually end, so I just have to realize that I will eventually get back into a routine and have things to keep me busy rather than sitting around and realizing that I'm... sitting around. :)

3. I CAN ask for help, even if it's just words of encouragement from others. In the past I would suffer in silence and eat in the shadows, and I promised myself that I will NOT do that this time. The good, the bad, and the ugly will be reported here. Not only does it make me accountable to myself, it may also speak to others, which is a nice plus.

4. Eating will not make it go away, whatever "it" is. Duh...

5. I need to go outside instead of reaching for the _____________ that is speaking to me. Take a break, get away from the homework and job searching and couch potato ass and GO FOR A WALK. Take the dogs. They will thank me muchly.

6. I need to unlearn reaching for food to make me feel better (especially since it NEVER EVER EVER does) and instead teach myself to do something physical to get my anxiety out, especially since the latter works SO much better. Fire off endorphines, don't take in calories. Simple, no?

Okay, enough. Tomorrow is another day -- and the ice cream is almost gone. *embarassed smile*

Why do emotions manifest in eating instead of cleaning house?

It's been a bad week. Just plain bad. Really. Bad.

I'm sure it's a combination of looking for work/being out of work, having been denied unemployment, boredom, lack of initiative, and a severe brain disorder.

The GOOD news is I'm *only* up about two pounds. The bad news is I feel like I've been eating everything that's not nailed down. Less of it when it happens, but still. And ice cream. Eating around the band. With ice cream. When I feel like crap. Did I mention the ice cream?

I feel like a teenage boy has inhabited my body and is eating through house and home. Why can't I take on the other trait that teenage boys have and just have sex incessantly (well, or at least try to have sex incessantly... nobody says teenage boys actually succeed in this.)?

This has got to stop. Part of it is I feel hungry, but I think the line is blurred a bit as to how much of it is real hunger and how much is head hunger? However, when I eat I can eat a bit more than I should. I can say it's because I've "gotten smaller inside" (and maybe I have), but eating a Yugo is not necessarily better than eating a Buick. Both are large autos. And no good for you.

I've been so bummed I haven't even wanted to post here, but I told myself going into this that THIS is my journal, my gauge of how things are going with me. Besides maybe helping others, it is supposed to primarily help ME. I can't just post all the greatness of bandland because it's inherently dishonest. It's not always great. Not the band, necessarily, but us. We still struggle with the issues that made us eat to begin with. Putting a band around our stomachs never touches our issues; it just makes it harder to react by overeating. Now if only we could get a band for our heads. And if only instead of eating, I would actually clean this house. *sigh*

Arrrrrgggggghhhhhh, somebody snap me out of it!!!!!!!!

Omg, I need a fill...

...or a brain transplant. 'Nuff said. :(

Went to a WW meeting today

I used to do Weight Watchers in the past (which ones of us haven't, right?), and I saw that there was a meeting close by my house -- and there is no registration fee right now.

I know I can't really follow the meal plan as I don't intend to try to keep up with their points system, but I thought it would be good to go for the support and meetings. They always had pretty good meetings, from what I remembered, and hey, it's cheaper than therapy, right? :)

So I went today, and it was a pretty good turn-out for a holiday weekend. Afterward I met with the leader and told her about my surgery and my intention for the meetings. I said there was a part of me that didn't want to be deceitful and having them think I was losing JUST from using WW. Kinda like, "Results not typical." She was surprisingly accepting and curious about the procedure, as she had learned about it not that long ago herself. She asked what I couldn't eat, etc., and even thought of a woman who works at the facility that houses their meetings who is about 500 pounds, young, and desperate for something to help her. I gave her my doc's name and the LBT website info since some doctor she spoke to told her she wasn't a good candidate for the surgery. I said she needed a second opinion and to call Dr. Pinnar.

Anyway, I signed up for their monthly pass and will go for the support and good overall info. My leader even offered to recognize me at next week's meeting for the 62 pounds I've already lost, if I feel so inclined to do that. I'll think about it... I mean, I DID lose it, but I didn't lose it on WW, so...

I forgot one of THE most important things...

Next to childbirth and marriage, what other important day in history should we celebrate? Our BANDIVERSARIES, of course! The 21st (yes, this is my belated recognition) was my 6-month bandiversary, and I didn't remember it until I was having a conversation with my new Weight Watchers leader (different story) this morning. I remembered on the 19th and thought, "Okay, in a couple days I'll be blogging about it." Guess I got too caught up with my new "jeans ass" and my ass feeling as if it was spanked by some overzealous truck driver. Lots of focus on the ass this week. :)

Imagine my surprise

I bought some jeans recently on eBay. That has become my "mall of choice" lately because I am going through sizes quicker than Bill goes through interns.

I just got some size 18 Levis in the mail yesterday and, though I thought they may not fit yet, I opened them today. Hubby and I were taking the motorcycles out to run errands and sign the gazillion papers necessary when refinancing your own home (go figger), and I always wear jeans when I ride. I looked at my size 20s on the floor (cuz I'm SUCH a good housekeeper), remembering hubby tease me the other day that I had "baggy butt," but I looked at the 18s and thought, "Nah, probably not yet. They look too small." But that little voice which usually tells me to do dire and dastardly things (like spend money we don't have or call my now ex-boss an "effin' hypocrite" -- wonder why I'm not working there... hmmm...) spoke up and instead gave me some good advice: "Try them on!"

I thought, "Meeh, what the heck. What's the worst that can happen? I get them up but can't button them yet... so I just wait a week or so and then I'll be able to."

So I step into them, one leg at a time, and pull them up. Part of me expected them to come to a screeching halt about mid-thigh, but no, they went up and over the hips. Ah, but surely they won't button, and even if they DO button, there's no way I can zip them up without my apron becoming permanently wedged between the teeth of those metal teeth. But... omg, they DID button, and they DID zip -- AND I could still breathe!!! Imagine getting into jeans that look too small, getting them buttoned and zipped, AND you can breathe!! I would have just been happy with NOT being able to breathe, if only I could get them secured! But I could do BOTH?? My gosh, it was like a multiple orgasm. No, really.

I had to look at my shrinking ass in the mirror before I left, so I went into the bathroom and checked it out. Meeh, I wouldn't wish for an ass like that if I saw it on another chick, but I was damn pleased with what I saw.

I have a pair of 16s coming next, but I won't try those yet. I still like breathing. :)

My ass hurts -- and not in that fun, freshly spanked way

Omg, I'm reliving my childhood or something. I broke out the bicycle, the first I've had it out in years. I remember riding it once since I've been here, but that was probably three years ago. And it was ONLY the one time.

About 2:00 today I rode about seven miles and came home. Then I went out again at 5:00 and rode another nine miles. Yes, 16 miles!! The nice thing is that the path I ride has half-mile markers, so I know for sure how far I went.

Even though I have one of those bigger seats with the gel pad, it felt like I was riding on a brick. I guess what I need is one of those large, cushy Barcalounger seats. ;)

The last mile of my second ride, I swear I didn't think I was going to make it. My ass hurt like I had been a bad little minx and needed a spanking baaaad, and I was pedaling so slowly that I swear some little blue hair with a walker passed me by and gave me the finger.

I had my cell on me, but just couldn't imagine THAT phone call: "Um, yeah, honey? Can you come get me? Where am I? Uh... at the front of the subdivision. Hello??"

"I almost didn't recognize you!"

Omg, I love when friends who maybe only see you once a month say that! And what's better, it came from the husband that's one-half of the foodie friends. :)

I want one of these!

*sigh* I doubt I can talk DH into it, but this looks SO COOL! I've been looking at kettlebells at Wal-Mart and Target, but I didn't buy any. Simply put, I felt I would need more than one size, and at $20-somthing a piece, up to over $30, it was a bit hard to figure out what to do.

THEN I saw the commercial for this thing, the Weider Powerbell, and it seemed my prayers were answered! It's adjustable, so it handles the issue of increasing or lowering the weight amount for the workout you are trying to do, and frankly, if you bought seven kettlebells, you'd be HUNDREDS of dollars in the hole.

I can make three payments of $40, which makes it a tad more palatable. But since I got myself my GoWear Fit for my birthday (early, of course, since it isn't until late July), I don't know that I can try for this too. I dunno, I'll see what I can do. Maybe some mowing next door to help pay for it.

I need my basement back

I miss my exercise down there. Of course there's things I can do outside, but still... I'm not doing them consistently enough to be worthwhile right now.

Hubby and I are in the middle of trying to lay some flooring that we removed upstairs when we put down wood flooring. It's that pergo-type snap together stuff. Everything right now is shoved over to one side of the room while we try to figger out what the hell we're doing.

The last ocuple days has been chilly, so that tends to keep you from wanting to go outside. Yesterday I just vegged. Today I tried to wrap up a couple projects I have going which didn't equate to a lot of exercise at all. Tomorrow is another (and predicted to be a warmer) day, so I will promise myself to at least get the dogs out for a walk/run. I've gotta get back into the groove just because I can tend to taper off if I don't cattle-prod my ass. :)

Buh-bye 230's!!

This morning I loved my scale. It said 229. I'm floating! :)

Whose thighs are these??

I work on a laptop all the time and obviously always have it... well, in my lap.

The other day I was looking down and wondered, "Hm, whose thighs are these?" They look so much smaller (not small, mind you, because I'm still over 200 pounds), but compared to before, instead of looking like tree trunks, they look like 5-year-old saplings. ;)

It feels good.

We don't give kids enough credit

I feel like I'm reliving my childhood. I bought a hula hoop last week, and today I broke out my jump rope for the first time (yes, it's been in the package for a few years now!). I went outside with the best of intentions, believing I'd be jumping for an hour or two (lol), but wow, 20 jumps at a time and I was really winded. I'd rest for a few minutes and jump again and, whew, gasp, ugh!

Kids make this shit look so easy. Damn ankle biters!

As of today...

...I weigh less than I did when hubby and I got married. I haven't lost beyond my all-time weight loss amount yet (70 pounds), but I'm sneaking up on it! As of this morning I hit 230.5, which is down exactly 60 pounds. WOW!

My all-time low when I lost weight before was 189. I started out at about 239 at that time, though, so it was "only" 50 pounds lost. A few years ago I belonged to a weight-loss group called Healthy Inspirations (now defunct, I've noticed recently) and started at 290 and went down to 220. Considering that I started before surgery at the same 290, I'm neck-and-neck with the Healthy Inspirations weight loss.

Wow, 10 more pounds to equaling my all-time biggest weight loss, and only 7.5 pounds away from only being "obese" on the BMI scale (down from morbidly obese)!!

No food tastes as good as this feels. I can definitely feel yesterday's fill, too. Even though I am only on liquids, I certainly feel the fluid circling the drain, lol! :)

Omg, wth??

Okay, remember that I redirected the foodie friend to send DH the online coupons for Papa John's? Well, apparently she did this the other day, and she and DH wrote back and forth about what he was going to order (apparently they were having a great sale based on a hockey game that was won). So I get an e-mail from DH with the Papa John's coupon header in the subject line, and I'm thinking, "What??"

So I open it and it's the exchange between him and the friend, and the final part of this e-mail is his list of what he was going to order last night. Sent to me and her. WHY ME?? Omg, and I'm on liquids right now and can't eat real food until SATURDAY.

I was going to respond to it and ask him, "WTH are you doing?" but I realized that he was already on his way home, so I just deleted it.

Wanna know why he sent it to me?? So he could remember what he wanted on the pizza and had a copy of it sent to me so I could tell him. What a doofus. *eye roll*

I am such a loser -- and it's GREAT!

Got my sixth fill today and am up at 4.6cc. I've never asked before, but I have this little card that I've carried in my wallet since before surgery, and I should have had each of my weigh-ins logged in there (including BMI if I so wish). I asked Paul to fill that in for me based on my charts, and I also asked if I could have a copy of my measurements before surgery. The only thing I wish they had was more areas listed, but I'll take what they have.

I lost the 4.5 pounds from my weekend whatever-you-wanna-call-it as of this morning, so I was at my low again of 233. On their scale I was 234.2, which isn't bad at all considering that I have not yet gotten up the nerve to weigh in the nude, lol!

Paul is very happy with my progress, and I told him that I would *like* to get as close to 200 by my 44th birthday on July 22 as possible. That means 33 pounds. It's not NOT do-able, but it's a big bill to fill in 71 days. That's about 14 pounds a month.

I lost 13 pounds this month, and that was even with some not-so-good days, so is it do-able? Yeah, it is. It'll be a solid time of sticking with the program and getting my exercise in, but it's a goal to reach for. So I'm just gonna do it. What would be even better is Onederland (199 or better), but I would be very proud of myself to be 200.

The thing that really excited me today was my measurement stats. They only measured six areas, and one of them (my neck) wasn't included in my prior measurements, so I just listed the before number and what it is today. Here are the results since right before surgery:



I have lost just shy of 4.5 FEET of me!! Omg, I knew I'd be happy if I knew somewhat where I started out (and for the life of me I don't know WHY I didn't do it myself, but...), and it's impressive.

I'm down from 290.6 to 233, totalling 57.6 pounds, and down 53.25 inches! My BMI went from 45.5 (morbidly obese) to 36.5 (severely obese). I am only 10 pounds away from being "just" obese.

I am very happy with how well I've done. *insert happy face here*

I had a three-way, and now the regret sets in

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had a three-way on Saturday. I know it may be every girl's dream (okay, many girls' dreams) to have two men at once, but while it was enjoyable at the time, the regret soon set in. I don't know what I'm more ashamed of -- how much I enjoyed it as it was happening, or how much I regret it now.

These are two guys I've known for some time but lost touch with. They're both sweet and desirable, but there is also an evil side to them. They leave you wanting more while hoping you can resist their pull. You too may have fallen under their spell.

You see, these guys are Ben and Jerry, and for me, their weapon is New York Super Fudge Chunk. A whole pint. At one sitting. I don't even remember breathing during the episode. All I knew is I wanted (needed?) ice cream, and I went and got some. Of course I tell myself that I did better in only getting a pint rather than another brand in a half-gallon (or whatever they try to pass off as a half-gallon these days), but the truth is I didn't need it that badly. I certainly wasn't gonna die without it.

And what's worse is that wasn't the worst part of my weekend. It's like I was eating my last supper (I get another fill tomorrow), and I know that soon enough I won't be able to eat a lot of this stuff. So I got thin-crust pepperoni pizza, and last night was Chinese. *sigh*

So today I'm drinking TONS of water and doing liquids because my scale was up 4.5 pounds!! Which is gonna suck because starting tomorrow I'm on liquids for two additional days. But I must punish myself for my failings, lol, and climb back on that wagon.

The only good thing about all of this is that I can't eat much (other than the ice cream). Chinese last night consisted of General Tso's chicken (three large-ish pieces) and four ribs. Oh, and an egg roll. *gulp*

I can definitely tell I'm due for a fill. Gettin' too much down the gullet these days. :(

I need to get the potato off the couch

I haven't worked out AT ALL for well over a week now. Some of my reasoning (nee excuses) include the fact that my basement is a wreck since I started trying to lay flooring; it's been raining now since LAST Wednesday; and I'm in a funk. Okay, maybe a full-blown depression, but I'm trying to call it a funk so the guys in lab coats don't come and get me. Again. :D

I went out and bought some stuff to help get me motivated, things I don't need to do outside or need my basement for. I got a kit with all different resistance bands and tubes, which include a dvd; a tennis racket and a can of balls (ColoradoChick and I are planning on beating balls to death while dying on the court here in our neighborhood); and a yoga core thingy (a blow-up rubberized disc that is NOT a Bosu ball because, frankly, paying $99 for HALF a ball is just, well, insane) that includes some workout stuff.

Then I came home and ordered a couple books and dvd's from Jillian Michaels. Hey, she keeps making winners on TBL, so maybe she can kick my ass too.

So... let's see if this stuff ever makes it out of their boxes and makes me work out. :D

My scale has an evil sense of humor, and I am not amused

Stepped on this morning and the first number that popped up was 225.5! WTH?? Yesterday I was 233. Maybe I shouldn't have gotton on the dang thing the second or third times, which read, yep, 233. Piece of crap machine. Grrrr...

Where's my mojo??

Okay, I was watching this corny commercial on TV here the other day and it got me thinking. It lists a bunch of stuff you can do for fun that costs $3 or less and shows climbing a tree, buying a goldfish, whistling, dancing, etc. The commercial is for $3 lottery tickets. But one of the things it showed was using a hula hoop. I thought, "Hey, a HULA HOOP! That could be fun exercise!" So I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and got the last freakin' hula hoop they had.

So... I get home, and s-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. It drops to the ground. Um, okay. Let's try this again. S-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. It drops to the ground again. Hm. Once more: S-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. What the...? Ok, then, one more time: S-p-i-i-n, FLUMP. Oh my freakin' God, 'sup?? I can barely get it to go around one dadgum time! I used to be able to do it as a kid, so what gives? Is my waist too big? Hips not swiveling enough? Simply have the body movements of an epileptic chicken on crack? I dunno. But now it's a vendetta. I WILL get that thing moving. No, really. I am. Seriously.

Some people just have to be told, I suppose...

Foodie friend just sent me another Papa John's internet coupon in my e-mail. For those who don't have these, it's a pizza joint.

Okay, I know I had pizza this weekend, but it's the first one I've had since before my surgery in November. It certainly isn't a habit. Now, this friend KNOWS I've been losing weight (though I still haven't told her or her husband about my surgery), so WHY would she send pizza coupons??? GRRR!

So today I finally did what I should have from the onset and sent her a reply:

I will pass this on to [DH], but obviously I'm not eating like this anymore, so I can't do anything with these. :( If you want to pass them on, maybe send them to him at [e-mail address].

Let's see if this does it. I mean, wow... And what's sad is that her husband has diabetes, is suffering from an injury to the bottom of his foot that he got when we were all in Hawaii in OCTOBER, and a big part of the reason it's not healing is he does not take care of himself nutritionally! He could stand to lose about 50 pounds, and I don't think he eats that great, though he SAYS he's been doing better lately and actually seeing a diabetes nutritionist. She, however, is about 5'2" and weighs less than 100 pounds.

But still, you would think I wouldn't have to send this e-mail...

Pizza and emotional eating, but...

...I didn't do as badly as I normally would have.

I found out yesterday that I didn't get the job. I was a bit bummed, and even moreso today for a while. I found myself hungrier than I've been in a while, but then I also spent two days this week doing just liquids, so it's possible that was a good part of that.

I had my protein drink for breakfast, a tiny serving of tuna for a late AM snack, some of my leftover spaghetti for lunch, and then I left the house around 2:30 to get some movies for this rainy weekend.

While there I saw and wanted some Hot Tamales. I had the box this afternoon (more than I anticipated, but yep, I did it) and for dinner pizza sounded good. I was talking to my friend who also has the band and who is a year in who said if I'm gonna do pizza, do it now while I can still eat bread. I ordered two mediums instead of what we used to get (two larges), and all I really wanted was some pepperoni. I got DH the works and me a pepperoni. He had one piece left from the works, and I ate three of the pepperoni. As I sit here, more than 2 1/2 hours after eating, I could have done with 2 or 2 1/2 pieces. It's sitting kinda heavy. But I haven't had pizza in over 5 months, and overall I've been pretty dang good in what I eat.

I talked to my mom and told her that it was a controlled eating spree (as opposed to just grazing from the fridge or cupboard). I knew I wanted these things, had to bring them into the house, and said that today is it. Whatever is left over is DH's for lunch or dinner over the weekend.

I will not beat myself up over this. She said I should look into this part of myself, the part that makes me want to deal with issues with food, but I don't feel bad. I won't feel guilty. It was ONE day, ONE meal (okay, and a snack), and that was it. I can feel my "head" telling me I still want more, but I can feel fullness in my pouch. The head hunger is recognized, ignored, and pushed aside. And I also know the day will come that, except for sliders, I will be limited in what I can eat even if I go through this again.

As it is, I've lost 13 1/2 pounds since my last fill on April 9, and I'm not due for another fill until the 12th. I think that's pretty dang good. I can no longer try working so hard at being perfect because that's just not going to happen. It's not possible. I can't be black or white, good or bad, perfect or imperfect. I realize that there will be days I will slip, but that does not make me imperfect. It just makes me human.

No matter what, this time is different. It's not a diet, so I can't fall off the wagon the same way I have in the past. And what's better? It wasn't that great. I'm not missing much.

And I will find the perfect job for me. :)

It worked! YAY!

As of this morning, I was down 3.5 pounds. I know a lot of this is water weight, but it puts me at a new low of 233.

Word to the wise, though, and I wish I would have known this: If you take a diuretic (which I did for monthly puffiness and the fact that I drank a number of beers over the weekend which, unfortunately, were still with me), the stuff has caffeine! Omg, I didn't sleep a WINK last night. I took a dose before going to bed and I was laying there in bed all night long feeling wide awake. I finally turned the TV on in the bedroom after DH left and watched the news, then picked up my book and started reading. About 8:30am I began feeling tired and slept until 11:45. Real productive day. *eye roll*

Anyway, I'm continuing the liquids for most of today, but I will have the spaghetti I'm making for dinner tonight. YUM!

Decided to do liquids today

I had a busy weekend of eating out and... beers and margaritas. Nothing horrible, but empty calories nonetheless. The beer certainly makes me retain fluid, so I'm drinking a lot of water today to try to flush that and the two-pound gain I got as a result of all my "fun."

Yesterday I just really didn't eat. I went out with my old boss and had a salad with goat cheese, carmelized red peppers, and 3-4 ounces of grilled salmon, and that was all I ate. I just wasn't hungry due to the issue the other day with DH. When I went to school I took a protein drink and that was all I had all day.

So today I decided to get my mind back into weight loss mode and do liquids. So... let's see how it does for me.

It also doesn't help that I'm sitting on pins and needles, waiting to hear about a job I interviewed for last Thursday. They said I'd hear something this week, but of course the later it gets into the week the more I worry that I'm waiting for a letter instead of a call, ya know? :(

Is it too much...

...to want passion? Especially when I'm starting to look and feel good? What if my DH is not willing or able to do this? Should I suffer beyond the 16 years I already have, not having a good "passion/sex life"? When is enough enough? What do you do when you're not a cheater but know that you could potentially have that proclivity if you're not getting it at home but somebody else starts showing attention? It scares me shitless, and in the past I have re-gained my weight due to the fear and/or getting attention from others.

He's a good man, don't get me wrong. But there is something... really... lacking in this area, and it always has. I just don't know how long I can go on with this issue, especially as I start to lose weight and look good(ish). I'm not a cheater, but I know myself well enough to know that if I don't get it at home, I will be attracted to attention given to me outside the home. Is that bad? I feel very conflicted over this. It's not my way, I don't believe in cheating, but what does one do when their partner is not there for them in that way?

It's probably time to find my eating disorder therapist, because I know that this has been my stumbling block in the past which has had me regain the weight. And even though this is not a diet, there are still ways to cheat myself and the band, and I just don't need that on top of everything else.

I'm just so fed up with this... I wish I had an answer as to why he is this way with me. If it was something I could fix, then I would at least feel some hope. However, he doesn't do anything about it, doesn't seek help (medical or otherwise), and here I languish. I'm getting so resentful now I can't even explain. :(

Needed a boost, so...

...I decided to take some new measurements. I haven't taken any since 3/27; and even though it's not a full month since the last time, I wanted to see what's happening. I'm down another 8 inches! WOOT! Now I just wish I had started these numbers back in November when I began this journey because it would show a much greater inch loss.



On top of that, I lost 1.5 of the 2 pounds I gained from that evil Chinese experience. It's amazing how it takes less than an hour to eat and three days to lose the weight as a result of the salt/water gain. Ugh. I think they're trying to take us down, one by one, through their food.

I'm feeling hyped because I have an interview tomorrow at a place I've been trying to get into for some time. They probably have internal applicants as well so I'm trying not to get TOO excited, but still, I'm feeling pretty good and hopeful.

Watch those killer salads!

I started back to making my salads after being gone for a week and then coming back and immediately getting a fill and all the stuff that goes along with getting back to eating real food.

I sat down last night and input all the info for my salad into my food log for my GoWear Fit and wow, I was a bit surprised!

I found that fixing the salad the way I've been doing -- mixed spring greens, a small amount of crumbled bacon and goat cheese, dried cranberries, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, and a dressing called Girard's champagne vinaigrette -- it came to about 390 calories! I don't overdo the dressing or the other fatty stuff, and it may be a bit inflated because I think inputting the amounts slightly higher than what I actually put in (which says I need to actually WEIGH it to be sure), but DANG! It's amazing what you find out when you put all this stuff down. It also explains why maybe I wasn't doing so well last month when I was bobbling the same two pounds, up and down, because I was eating these salads for lunch AND dinner every day! Whoa...

Okay, so now I've got an idea of what's going on, and I will need to plan accordingly. It sucks because those are some damn good salads! :(

Chinese food is EVIL

We had a birthday dinner with the foodie friends on Saturday. It was the wife's birthday, and they love this place near us called Jasmine's.

I had wonton soup and some nibbles of different appetizers, and my meal was the egg foo yung. The sauce is way salty (but ohhh so good), and I knew I would probably suffer from it. And I did, because salt sticks to me like white on rice. I've been up two pounds since then (though in all fairness, I had leftovers on Sunday too). It's amazing how an hour-long meal will stay with you for days. :(

Reality sucks

My friend took me to her gym last Thursday to reward us for a 5 mile walk we forced our dogs to take with us. She thought how great it would be to soak in their hot tub and saunas, and I agreed.

After signing in and going through the mandatory sales pitch (which ended abruptly, amazingly enough, when I said I was without a job), we headed to the locker room to change into our suits. Well, I planned ahead and had mine on under my clothes, so all I had to do was disrobe.

What fun. Among all these perky bodies (mostly), here I am. But hey, I'm feeling good cuz I'm down 55 pounds, right? I'm feelin' hot...ish. I mean, clothes have been looking good on me so hey, why not wear a suit (a one piece, of course. It's the law when you're over 200 pounds). And then... I turn and look at about a football-field length of mirrors which are reflecting me in all their glory. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?? Omg, talk about taking the wind right out of your sails! I can only imagine it feels like it does when some frisky guy is about is to get lucky for the first time with a girl and she points and laughs at his teeny erect member. Total deflation.

To add insult to injury, when we went into the sauna, we disrobed down to towels. I was SO HAPPY that my towel wrapped around me and covered all my doo-dads, since I could never do that. Then I remembered -- I didn't just have a towel, I had brought one of those big bath sheets, a towel that could cover a king-sized bed. Second erection killer.

But it's all good. Still, I'm down 55 pounds. That's about the weight of a Smart Car, right?

Was that applause I heard?

I took the dogs for a walk/run this afternoon. Yesterday I went with my friend and her two dogs for a long 5-mile walk, but today I was alone and wanted to push it just a tad.

I've often said I couldn't run from here to my mailbox if Godzilla himself was after me, but I'd like to change that -- just in case Godzilla ever shows up, of course. ;)

So... I start out walking, and then get to a point where I think, "Okay, time to jog." I start running (okay, probably loping, but hey, when you're 235 pounds, it's running, k?), and the next thing I hear is clapping. Is somebody around? Are they seeing this behemoth schlepping down the path trying to look as if she isn't dying and is showing his encouragement? Is it the wildlife, awestruck by this creature invading their sanctuary and giving thanks for the honor? Is it simply in my mind as I daydream about running a 5k and making it over the threshold?

No. It's my fleshy apron slapping my lap, thankyouverymuch. Ugh.

Omg, I just noticed!

I was just looking at my ticker on LBT and I officially have less than 100 pounds to lose! WOOT!! Hey, I'm looking at any victory I can find. :)

Today was the day!

Omg, it's official -- 50 pounds lost!! Okay, 51, but who's counting? *big-ass grin*

Okay, this is good

The shrimp debacle last night was another case of OE (operator error). I had some for lunch today and cut them up teeny tiny and chewed until there was nothing there anymore. It went down fine. I'm glad to know this since it is starting to feel like my food choices are waning due to getting stuck. :)

For the love of God, please stop...

Foodie friend sent me another coupon for Papa John's Pizza. Now, she and her hubby KNOW I am "dieting" (I haven't told them about the band yet, though I am debating), and they have both commented how great I've been looking. So sure, send me COUPONS FOR PIZZA. *sigh*

And this is when they aren't calling constantly to go out eating. At least with no job I can put them off for a while.

Oh good Lord, slow DOWN already!

Tried to eat fast to make it to school. Big mistake. I barely got 2 oz. of shrimp in me before I noticed some discomfort, but I thought it was going to be okay. After about five minutes I noticed that wasn't likely.

I went upstairs to change and tried to PB to dislodge it. All I kept doing was creating slime and foam. WTF is it with the FOAM? A couple times I burp-threw up wads of foam instead of the food. I hung around as long as I could but had to get to school. I drove 25 minutes burping and hurting the whole way. And more foam. I had to keep a stash of napkins handy to dispose of it. It's as if when you try to swallow it (if you so dare), it adds to the air issues that are going on inside your stomach.

I figured that when I got there I would try to throw up out in the parking lot (nice, eh?) instead of going in feeling like this. That didn't work either, though a few times I thought it would. I sure made enough spit to make me THINK something was happening.

I went inside (already 10 minutes late) and headed straight for the bathroom. Nothing productive, just more pain, foam, and spit. So I decided to get to class, feeling as if some of the pressure was lessened. I wasn't in my seat two minutes before I had to bolt out the door to the bathroom again. At least THIS time it finally dislodged and came up.

Good GRIEF, when will I learn? Besides being horrible (this episode lasted an hour and fifteen minutes), I worry that I could damage my band. Note to self: Do NOT give yourself any less than 45 minutes to eat, no matter that they want you to do it in 30.

Couch sag

Hubby and I finally moved our couches around (we each sit on one). I was getting sick and tired of the sag my butt had created on my couch and feeling like my knees were under my chin every time I sat down. It's almost as if I have a new couch under my butt.

Now I just hope that the couches will spring back if not sat on for a while. Doubt it, tho... ;)

This last fill must be working!

I scrambled two eggs for breakfast a little over an hour ago and I actually feel full. Not stuffed or uncomfortable full, but... full. Wow. Whoda thunk?

I hit a new low

Yeah, 241, baby!!!! WOOT!! Only two more pounds till I hit the big 5-0. *does funky happy dance*

Had my fourth fill yesterday

So I guess let's see how it goes. Even with my last one, I found that I did really well for the first two weeks, pretty good the third week, and was hungry between meals (about 3 1/2 to 4 hours after eating). I mean, if I could eat an entire hamburger, bun and all...

The sad thing is, my husband's insurance apparently does not cover anything Lap-Band. I went in for the fill, told them I had new insurance but didn't have a card yet, and when asked what insurance I now had I was told that they don't do anything with this procedure. WHAT?? Of course all I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears because quite a few people on LBT who are self-pay have said their fills were in the neighborhood of $700!!

Luckily this doctor only charges $125, but still... that's a huge hit every month, especially when I came in feeling good at the fact that I got on insurance within a couple days of quitting my job.

So... I must have looked beyond shocked, and I remember I didn't breathe for a few seconds, and I just went and sat down to fill out my paperwork for my fill evaluation. I heard the nurse and receptionist talking but couldn't make out what was being said, being in shock and all. The next thing I know, the nurse called out to me and said not to worry about it -- they would cover the cost for me on this visit and to not fret, that Paul would work with me. I started crying right there in the office. Of course they told me not to cry, everything would be okay, but I just kept saying what a bad month it's been, and I thanked them very much for helping me out.

I *heart* my doctor's office. I loved them before this, but this means SO much to me, especially when so many doctors seem so focused on the money.

Are you KIDDING ME?

I just downloaded my GoWear Fit, which is the first I've done this in the last few days. Originally I was doing it daily, but since I came home from South Carolina on Wednesday and was away from the computer all day, I didn't do it. Then again yesterday, I didn't do it.

Today I worked in the basement laying laminate flooring, so I got some good results on my calorie burn, but I decided to look at the last few days' results as well. I am flabbergasted by what I saw.

I exerted the most calories to date on Wednesday -- the day I was driving for nine hours and then went to school for three hours! My target calorie burn for each day is set at 3250, with the result being if I can do that every day for a week while only taking in 2250 (with a deficit of 1000 calories), I should lose two pounds each week.

Okay, so what gives?? I literally exerted more calories DRIVING than I do when I work out for an hour? REALLY??

Oh, AND it showed 81 minutes of "physical activity!" Is this thing broken? This makes absolutely no sense to me.

Here is the chart:


Is it possible that we exert more calories than we think when doing something like driving? If it wasn't for the fact that this thing is supposed to be pretty dang accurate, I'd be thinking it was broken or something. Maybe I need to find out more about stuff like this, things we may do that we exert more energy doing than we ever think.

The scale finally moved

But not like you think.

After bobbling between 242 and 244 the entire freakin' month, with it staying 244 for probably the last 9 or 10 days, I had about had it. But after what I ate Monday and Tuesday (see below) the scale moved. UP. TWO. POUNDS. Plateau broken, eh? *sigh*

C is not just a vitamin

I've been complaining about my bras here lately, feeling like they just seem too big in the cup. So today, after my fill, I went by Avenue (where I got the ones I FINALLY found that I like that gives support and doesn't shove them under my armpits) and tried the same one in a C cup. Omg, that puppy FIT!

'Course it sucked that they had a 2 for $40 sale and, in order to get the benefit, you had to buy two... and I could only find ONE. But thank God for online ordering because I not only ordered two online, but I did a Google search for a coupon and found a 25 percent off my order! I ended up getting them cheaper, even with shipping, than I had I bought them at the store.

Hey, I'll take my NSVs wherever I can! :D

Why did I do it??

Omg, bad food day all the way around.

I went to the movies with my mom today and we were planning on some chicken piccata at a little Italian place there where the movie house is at, but they were not open (a lot of things there are either closed down permanently or closed on Mondays). So... the only other choice we had was Cheeburger Cheeburger. Okay, not the best, but not the worst either.

However... I must be in REAL need of a fill because I was starving (okay, it was 1:30 and I hadn't eaten yet) and I got and ate a cheeseburger with onion, pickle, lettuce, and chopped garlic. To boot, my mom and I split a small onion ring.

Here I've been bitching about the scale not moving (though I swear I've been doing everything right) and these were my choices. Worse yet, I was hungry enough that I ate it, bun and all!

Okay, fast forward to tonight. I had leftover Chinese from last night -- egg foo young. It's all I had, but I ate the two that were remaining after last night. Now I'm stuffed, the first time I've been FULL since surgery, and I feel that familiar uncomfortable feeling I used to feel back pre-surgery when I'd eat way past satiation.

Two bad choices in one day, and waaay too much for dinner. Some of it may have been the fact that I had such a big lunch and it was still with me (lunch came about 2:00 and we ate dinner at 8:00), but still... I feel bad about how it went.

The GOOD news is I have been exercising since I've been here visiting my folks, almost every day. Today we went to the gym. I'm sure it wasn't enough to combat what I did, but at least I don't feel it was a total loss. :(

Well... I guess I don't have to worry about the scale reading 244 anymore, huh? *growl*

244... 244... 244... 244.... ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!

Omg, somebody help me. I am sick to DEATH of seeing 244 on the scale!!

Okay, I know it's more than the number, I get it. Sure. BUT... when you've been exercising and eating right and well and doing everything right, and the scale either does as it did for nearly two weeks, bobbing up and down the same two pounds, and now it just stays fit at 244... I want to scream!!

Okay, rant over. :(