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Thursday, September 17, 2009

I think I'm in love

Okay, that's a bit... strange. It's with my therapist. I really enjoy her even though I've only been to her a few times.  I went again last night, and she's really helping me wiht insight about myself.

First and foremost, she gave me some homework to do in a previous session.  It consisted of a lot of questions I needed to answer which are all food related (though some don't pertain to me as they are more binge-purge topics), some of them being open ended:  "I love food because...," "Food is the enemy because...," "After I eat I feel..."  There were also exercises where I was to draw (or post a photo, much easier) of what I think I look like and what I want to look like.  Anyway, I know it's to give her some idea of where I'm coming from.

So I'm there with her yesterday and we're going over some of the things I put down, and I told her how I had a mini binge this past Sunday.  I say "mini" because it is in NO way like what I used to do, but still... I was opening the fridge and pantry looking for something to snack on for no reason other than I had that "fluttery" feeling I get when I'm stressed.
And I'm stressed.

Hubby's job contract ends on the 25th of this month.  He hasn't been the epitome of a job-hunter, and I've been back-and-forth between riding his ass and just sitting here stewing over things:  His lack of drive, his refusal to keep up with his profession by getting periodic training, and the knowledge of what he tends to do when faced with job loss because I went through this with him once before.  I actually told him last week that if he does this to us again, I won't stay with him.

So yeah, stress.

She told me things that are as basic to us as breathing, but sometimes you just gotta hear it.  She asked me what I was feeling when I went for the chips.  I said stress (obviously).  She then asked me what I wanted to do at the moment I went for the chips, and I said scream in a pillow because I'm getting so mad and scared.

"Then do it."

"But he's there!"

"Okay, so?  DO IT.  Go upstairs, shut the door, turn on the radio, and scream in a pillow.  Beat it if you have to, but quit shoving your emotions down with food!"

"The control freak in me just can't handle not knowing what's going to happen."

"Okay, but what can you DO about it?"

"Nothing, that's the problem!  And I can't deal."


*sigh*  "I knew you were going to say things like this to me, and damn it, it doesn't help."

"Okay, but the reality is, there's really nothing you can DO about it.  The ONLY thing you can do is love YOU and take care of YOU.  The next time you feel this, I want you to think:  'What am I feeling?  What do I REALLY want?'  Slow yourself down and don't just be reactionary.  Go for a walk.  Sit out in the sun.  Take a bath.  Do something that feeds you without FEEDING yourself.  What I want is for you to break the habit of immediately turning to your 'drug' or 'cigarette' when you're stressed and talk yourself through it.  If you end up eating the chips anyway, then you do... but at least you did it consciously."

Omg, I love her.

I know all of this.  Who doesn't??  But still... she pushes me.  I hate hearing that I have no control over certain things in my life, but the one thing I DO have control over right now is what I put in my mouth.  THAT is the reality.

I NEED to exercise.  When I get down, I don't do it.  I know that if I did, it would release endorphines that would likely make me feel more like I can handle all of this.  And it would quell the voice in my head that is calling me a loser and an idiot for NOT doing that for myself.

All I hope is that he finds a job SOON so we don't lose our insurance.  When we do, I lose her.


  1. Wow - this is a great post. I am an emotional eater as well and wonder how/what I will do when I get the band (hopefully in January). Thanks for sharing.

  2. I don't know if you can swing it, but I HIGHLY recommend an eating disorder therapist. I should have started with one back when I first got banded, but I felt more empowered then. It's not until a bit later, when old habits can rear their ugly heads, that you realize the issues that MADE you eat are still triggers for you and that the band only affects the stomach -- it doesn't work on the head.

  3. I had a therapist for another issue back in the day and he saved me from myself! Some people are afraid of what people will think if they find out they are going to a therapist, they may be the ones that need to go the most! I was an emotional eater too. I could still be very easily but I do lots of crafts, and walk to help me through all that.... seems to be a help and when I do "binge" it isn't much because I can't get much down! LOL I love my band!

  4. LOL, I feel I've been to a therapist more than half my life. I don't announce it to everybody, but I'm not ashamed either. This is just the first time I've gone to one specifically for eating disorders. So far I'm pretty happy with her.

  5. Beth, thanks for sharing this! I think I'm having a little crush on your therapist myself. I'm going to put her suggestion into practice or at least try to. She's right - you can't control your hubby. What's gonna be is what's gonna be. All you can do is work on your reactions to his actions (or lack thereof as the case may be). Stay strong!