Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Grief and coping
My best furfriend is dying, and I'm an emotional wreck. I will likely have to put her down sometime this week, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. I have had her for most of her 13 beautiful years, and she is the first pet I've owned throughout her life -- so I've never been faced with this before.
She started doing badly right after we returned from Italy. She had been showing her age before then, but she wasn't ailing that we could see. We ran a gamut of tests last month, only to realize after $600 that we knew what it wasn't. However, just since early August, she has lost a lot of weight (even though she was eating pretty well) and she just isn't herself. She's looking sickly, so much so that her ears now look huge on her head because even her head and face are gaunt. Her butt has no fat on it whatsoever, and her rib cage is looking big because her waist is getting so small. These days she's acting like she wants to eat, even following us into the kitchen, but eats very little of the different things we've tried to give her.
Overall I've done pretty well on my diet, even having dipped to my lowest banded weight to date of 214.2. This is primarily because I'm not horribly hungry because I'm so despondent over her failing health and the fact that I will be forced to make a decision. Though I don't blame Him, I can't understand why God can't just take her for me so I'm not forced to have my baby killed. I've cried more in the last six weeks -- and moreso in the last few days -- than I have in a long time. I find myself just watching her and studying her face. My mom, who happens to be visiting this week and who I hope will not be forced to be involved in my baby's passing, asked me yesterday what I was thinking as I was watching my beloved Amber. I said I was just taking it all in while I still can, because I know these moments are numbered.
I am, however, determined not to let it derail me from my goals. I'm noticing something through all of this -- when I was doing school and stressed, I ate. When I'm despondent like now, I have lost the desire to eat very much. Though I'm not NOT eating, it brings no joy, no comfort, no companionship, nothing. I'm now realizing that my TRUE companion is dying, and my heart is breaking.
Posted by Beth at 1:16 AM