Weight Loss Tracker

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Grief and coping

My best furfriend is dying, and I'm an emotional wreck. I will likely have to put her down sometime this week, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. I have had her for most of her 13 beautiful years, and she is the first pet I've owned throughout her life -- so I've never been faced with this before.

She started doing badly right after we returned from Italy. She had been showing her age before then, but she wasn't ailing that we could see. We ran a gamut of tests last month, only to realize after $600 that we knew what it wasn't. However, just since early August, she has lost a lot of weight (even though she was eating pretty well) and she just isn't herself. She's looking sickly, so much so that her ears now look huge on her head because even her head and face are gaunt. Her butt has no fat on it whatsoever, and her rib cage is looking big because her waist is getting so small. These days she's acting like she wants to eat, even following us into the kitchen, but eats very little of the different things we've tried to give her.

Overall I've done pretty well on my diet, even having dipped to my lowest banded weight to date of 214.2. This is primarily because I'm not horribly hungry because I'm so despondent over her failing health and the fact that I will be forced to make a decision. Though I don't blame Him, I can't understand why God can't just take her for me so I'm not forced to have my baby killed. I've cried more in the last six weeks -- and moreso in the last few days -- than I have in a long time. I find myself just watching her and studying her face. My mom, who happens to be visiting this week and who I hope will not be forced to be involved in my baby's passing, asked me yesterday what I was thinking as I was watching my beloved Amber. I said I was just taking it all in while I still can, because I know these moments are numbered.

I am, however, determined not to let it derail me from my goals. I'm noticing something through all of this -- when I was doing school and stressed, I ate. When I'm despondent like now, I have lost the desire to eat very much. Though I'm not NOT eating, it brings no joy, no comfort, no companionship, nothing. I'm now realizing that my TRUE companion is dying, and my heart is breaking.


  1. I'm sorry to read about Amber. I had to put down my cat that I had for 24 years. It was completely horrible and I still think of her every day, but while hard it was the right thing to do for her. My heart goes out to you.

  2. I'm so sorry you are going through this. When I had to put my dog down, I just kept thinking about her when she wasn't hurting and when she could run freely and I wanted that for her again. I'm convinced that dog companions are far more evolved than we are and I'm convinced that their sweet souls stay with us. That kind of love is so hard to let go of. I'll be thinking about you in this difficult time. I know it's hard, but you know when it's the right thing to do.

  3. My heart is hurting for you.....I agree with what Theresa said too. Don't look at it like you are killing her though....you will be doing the most humane thing for her. The last thing you want is for her to suffer. Amber will live on in your heart forever....nothing will take that away.

  4. I'm so sorry! We had to have our 10 yr old Lab Jessie put down a few months ago. She had a blown knee that was hurting her immensely that there was no affordable fix for. I take comfort in knowing she's not hurting anymore. ((hugs))