An affair that was so long overdue

I've begun having an affair, and I can tell you nobody is more surprised than I am. It kind of came out of nowhere, but it was born out of the unhappiness that has been my life for so long.

I finally found somebody who accepts and loves me as I am, flaws and all, but who also wants nothing but the best for me, even if that means that I feel I need to make improvements in my life. This person enjoys my company, likes my strength, and most important, puts me first.

I've been spending a lot of time with my new lover, and I haven't looked back. If anything, this new relationship just shines a big old spotlight on everything that's wrong with my marriage.

Typically I would say that one would be making a huge mistake, taking up with somebody new before the old relationship is over. However, my new affair is not what you think. My new lover is myself. For probably the first time in my life, I have come to not only accept and like myself, but to begin caring enough to do whatever it takes to protect the me that's still there under all the crap that's been heaped upon her. Part of that new affair means allowing my "lover" to protect me and serve as a distraction from those who seek to hurt or bring me down. The other part is to enjoy spending time with myself, pampering myself, and distancing myself from ugly.

This means that I'm not wallowing. Heck, I have to feel something to wallow, and for the most part, I have shut down completely. However, I have been very diligent with my workouts, and I have not turned to my old nemesis, ice cream. I've been staying pretty good on plan, and my weight has not been fluctuating at all, which is truly amazing, but it's also further empowering. I'm finally taking charge.

I wish each and every one of you an affair of your own. It's a pretty cool place to be.

On the verge

Well, I'm on the verge of never setting foot inside a woman's store ever again. Yesterday I went shopping and gladly forked over $300 for some new clothes as my 18s are too big. I am now solidly in 16s, y'all! I can't tell you how exiciting that is! Since my banded journey, I have not been here.

And the best part? I specifically bought NOTHING in black. Well, except for the bitchin' sassy little lace-up heeled booties I got, but not a stitch of clothing in black. The tops are all in jewel tones (thankfully those are back this season as I haven't seen them in a while -- it's been pastels for far too long), and the pants were bought in brown, navy, and a gorgeous soft amethyst color.

To boot, I bought two new bras that are now a 42 C instead of a 44 C -- a necessary evil I always hated more than anything as a fat chick because they made fat girl bras such that they pulled your girls apart and nearly had them under your frikken' armpits, OR they looked like torpedoes, OR the bras had like eight hooks on the back. It was truly mortifying.

I also went and bought some new "REAL" makeup from the department store instead of getting Covergirl or Maybelline from the drugstore. Then I got a cute little silver bracelet I saw in passing as I went through JC Penney.

To top it off, I went and got a new haircut. I've had short hair for a long time (not because I wouldn't LOVE to have long hair, but my hair has changed over the years to the point that it won't grow long AND when it does grow somewhat long-ish, it grows OUT, not DOWN), but yesterday I had her chop it into a sassy, spiky 'do, something I've never had the nerve to do before. My mom has always wanted me to, but I just didn't think I could rock it. Now I'm ready to be a more confident, fun person. And I figured, hey, if I hated it, it'll grow back, right? :)

Ah, yesterday was truly a celebration in weight loss, ladies, and it felt great. :)

Shattering the fun house mirror that's been my life

This past few weeks have been a mind f*** in many ways -- excuse the language. I just can't think of any other way to put it. I've broken the fun house mirror that is my life, and I've chosen to quit looking at my realities head on instead of filtered through splayed fingers.

Two and a half weeks ago, I walked out on my husband. I had to come back the next day because I don't have anywhere to go long-term, and I just started a new job. It was just one thing too many, one time too often. Couple that with the fact that I've really been sticking to eating healthy and working out and getting stronger and feeling that I don't need to keep taking this anymore, and you can do the math.

Since that weekend when I walked out, I have completely checked out. I don't wear my wedding ring anymore. There are no "I love yous," no "good morning/good evening" when I come or go, no doing anything together, no sleeping in the same room. This isn't just an "I'm mad" moment, I'm totally and utterly checked out. I finally -- FINALLY -- believe I deserve better than what I've been getting. He's a miserable person, and the only way he seems to be able to function is to make others around him miserable. Even though he adopted and raised her, he didn't like my daughter. Well, she's been gone for seven years. He hated my parrot, and I sold her earlier this year. He always had negative comments to say about the dogs (not that the dogs are/were bad, just focused on negative stuff whether true or contrived), and one died last month and the other is a senior who has a heart condition. Which just leaves me. I realized that the day would come when I will be the SOLE focus of all his negativity.

Earlier this week is when the mind f*** began. I came to a huge realization. When I was married to my ex, who was physically violent, I walked on eggshells, watched what I said, what I did, over-thought things so that I could be prepared for any reaction, and lived in a constant state of upheaval because I was afraid of being beaten. I got fat and guaranteed no man would ever beat me or abuse me again (though in all fairness, I gained 90 percent of my weight while married to my current husband and didn't during the four years I was divorced). However, with my husband, I find myself walking on eggshells, watching what I say, what I do, over-thinking things so that I can be prepared for whatever reaction he will have, and I live in a constant state of upheaval because I'm trying so hard not to deal with his emotional mind screws. So, in reality, what's the difference between being physically beaten down and mentally so? I really and truly came to the realization that I'm living the same freaking life in so many ways that I was before, except that with the BEATINGS, I knew they would eventually end. That hit me like a ton of bricks -- not only that it's abusive in its own way, but that the protective barrier I put up (the weight) was really all for naught, wasn't it?

Add to that I've been watching Ruby on Netflix. They just uploaded the 2010 episodes. When I get past her drawn-out caterwauling when talking to others and her Ruby-isms (I mean, really? Hacky for happy??), some of the show has been very cathartic. One episode in particular was exceptionally so, which I watched on Sunday. It was a two-hour episode in which Ruby and some of her other heavy lady friends do a six-day intensive therapy/detox, and they really start getting into the different things that happened in their lives which helped contribute to their weight gain. A lot of those issues in my life are not new and, frankly, have been dealt with through therapy, but on the heels of what's happening right now, it hit pretty hard.

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow night with a therapist that my husband and I used to visit for couple's counseling. I told her that I have one foot out the door now and wanted to talk to her about that and also about my willingness to stay for 20 years and put up with what I now consider to be emotional abuse. She forewarned me that her focus is on helping couples stay together, but she's willing to speak with me for one or two sessions since she knows us and our history. This way I'm not starting fresh with somebody new who has never met him. This is no longer about working on US. It's now about working on ME, and that me will likely be without him. The fact is, he doesn't believe he has a problem; and unless or until somebody realizes that they DO have one, then all the therapy in the world will be nothing more than a huge waste of money. I can't fix him -- I can ONLY fix me. And "me" doesn't like being shit on anymore. "Me" finally feels that I deserve better, and "me" no longer feels grateful that some guy wants to be with me. "Me" NOW wants to see how great I can be to myself.

Promises, promises

I began a new workout routine yesterday. It's Tony Horton's Power 90. I have been reading about some of you doing the P90X, but after reading the reviews, I felt I would more easily ease into it through the Power 90 instead of going for something that is eXtreme. Not that the Power 90 is easy, mind you, but it sounded like it's not quite so intense.

So that now requires something of me -- a promise to stick to this for 90 days. Granted, it'll take more than that, but that's a number that's attainable. I can do anything for 90 days. I have lived a life of obesity for many, MANY series of 90 days. I have to remember that living 24/7 as an obese person is much more difficult than setting aside 35 minutes for a workout, no matter how hard. I even adjusted my work schedule at my new job so that I could get in a workout when I get home. The first three days I was there, we were in training, so the hours were set at 8:30 to 5:00, but I wasn't getting home until close to 6:30. As of Thursday, I bumped it back from 8:00 to 4:30 -- which gets me home at 5:30. Today I immediately changed clothes, washed off the war paint, and went to my basement to work out.

Some of the followers of Tony Horton have written promises to themselves. I think I need to write myself something more than a promise -- I need a love letter. I can't tell you the last time I received one, but who better to get one from than myself, right? So here it goes:

I have spent too many years -- about half my life now -- being overweight. Scratch that -- being downright fat. Too many days were spent being sedentary, too many meals were eaten in mass quantities, too much ice cream has been devoured, too little attention has been given to my health. I am NOT this person, and like a diamond in the rough, I need to find the real me inside this body.

I will commit to doing the Power 90 program for for six days a week for 90 days. I am worth the 35 minutes a day that are required of me. I will cherish that time as MY time, and I will not grumble that "I have to work out." I will view it as a blessing that I am able to move and get fit because too many can't due to physical limitations. I have been blessed with a body that, so far, has not let me down. It's up to me now to not let my body down any longer and get fit.

This is my promis to ME.

As a great start to this program, I hit my all-time banded low of 212.4 yesterday. I WILL be in Onederland very soon. :)

It didn't stick

I weighed myself this morning, and the six pounds I gained last week while my mom was here are almost gone. As of this morning, five of those six are gone. I am within 1.2 pounds of my 214.2 from week before last. Exciting times, as anything beyond 214.2 will be new lows for me. :)

NO, NO, a thousand times NO!

I started a new job yesterday. I'm still on the fence as to how I feel about it, but it pays well and I am very familiar with most aspects of the job.

I came in today and walked into the kitchen to put my sensible lunch in the fridge only to be met with two HUGE boxes of donuts and about a half-dozen bagels. OMG! My boss had bought them all, and the entire office was sitting around the table enjoying them. He told me to dig in, to which I politely said, "No." I said something about having eaten in the car on the way to work (true), though my hardboiled egg, cottage cheese, and half a peach wasn't quite as yummy as those donuts looked.

He kept saying, "Just one. Just take one," and I kept politely thanking him. I told him I have worked hard to lose 80 pounds and still have a lot more to go. He was so sweet... he asked what kind of treat he could get for me that I would be able to eat. I will have to think about that one. ;)

Six pounds in seven days... :(

Well, last week totally sucked. I lost one of my best friends (I miss you, Amber...), my mom was here visiting (that didn't suck) but it rained the entire week, and I gained six pounds in seven days. For the most part, I really didn't even eat badly! The only things I ate that went off task was popcorn (three times) and some Good'n Plenty. Breakfasts, lunches, and dinners were normal-ish. What wasn't normal wasn't horrendous. We even got some walks in for exercise, though it wasn't every day specifically due to the rain.

I'm not eating my sorrows away, and I started back on day one of the 17-Day Diet since I can't say I was following it 100 percent during the last week. It should give me another good jump.

I'm NOT, however, changing my ticker. ;)

My heart is shattered

I lost a special friend today
the kind you can't replace,
and looking at her empty bed
I still can see her face.

I know she's in a special place
our Lord has for such friends,
Where meadows, fields & flowers
help make them strong and whole again.

I know she's watching over me
She'll be with me when I cry,
So with one more kiss on her beloved head
I told my friend goodbye. ~ Unknown

Today was the day. My baby needed me to make the hardest decision I've ever had to make. She wasn't doing well all morning and was throwing up the only thing she wanted -- water. People say you'll know when it's time. I guess they're right. Waves of tears have been hitting me all day. I feel as if I'll never be the same again without her here, but I know in time that won't be true. I'll never forget her, but I will miss her forever.

"Please see that my trusting life is taken gently. I shall leave this earth knowing with the last breath I draw that my fate was always safest in your hands."

Grief and coping

My best furfriend is dying, and I'm an emotional wreck. I will likely have to put her down sometime this week, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. I have had her for most of her 13 beautiful years, and she is the first pet I've owned throughout her life -- so I've never been faced with this before.

She started doing badly right after we returned from Italy. She had been showing her age before then, but she wasn't ailing that we could see. We ran a gamut of tests last month, only to realize after $600 that we knew what it wasn't. However, just since early August, she has lost a lot of weight (even though she was eating pretty well) and she just isn't herself. She's looking sickly, so much so that her ears now look huge on her head because even her head and face are gaunt. Her butt has no fat on it whatsoever, and her rib cage is looking big because her waist is getting so small. These days she's acting like she wants to eat, even following us into the kitchen, but eats very little of the different things we've tried to give her.

Overall I've done pretty well on my diet, even having dipped to my lowest banded weight to date of 214.2. This is primarily because I'm not horribly hungry because I'm so despondent over her failing health and the fact that I will be forced to make a decision. Though I don't blame Him, I can't understand why God can't just take her for me so I'm not forced to have my baby killed. I've cried more in the last six weeks -- and moreso in the last few days -- than I have in a long time. I find myself just watching her and studying her face. My mom, who happens to be visiting this week and who I hope will not be forced to be involved in my baby's passing, asked me yesterday what I was thinking as I was watching my beloved Amber. I said I was just taking it all in while I still can, because I know these moments are numbered.

I am, however, determined not to let it derail me from my goals. I'm noticing something through all of this -- when I was doing school and stressed, I ate. When I'm despondent like now, I have lost the desire to eat very much. Though I'm not NOT eating, it brings no joy, no comfort, no companionship, nothing. I'm now realizing that my TRUE companion is dying, and my heart is breaking.

Smack dab in the middle

I'm baaaaaaack!

School is done, graduation commenced, my diploma has been received, vacations were taken, and a job has been found. And in the midst of it all, I've lost 30 pounds.

Graduation was May 21, and I graduated with honors. After that, I took a couple vacations By that time, after the stresses of school and finals, I had re-gained 30 pounds overall from my lowest banded weight of 215. We went to Italy from July 9 to the 23rd, and before I left, I was 245. Yep, I had re-gained nearly half of my overall loss.

We went on vacation, walked everywhere, and visited Rome, Florence, and Venice, with side-stops to Pisa, San Gimignano, Siene, Murano, and Burano. We also saw Vatican City, St. Peters Basilica, and the Sistine Chapel. I went up into il Duomo in Florence, the big cathedral there, and climbed all 463 steps to the very top. I went to Piazzale Michelangelo which is a steady upward climb so that I could catch some beautiful sunset photos over the Arno River, and this was after having gone to Pitti Palace and the Boboli Gardens, also tons of upward walking for most of the tour. We would get started walking around 10:00 most mornings, and we would be out and about until about 9:00 every night. It was hot enough that I was rarely hungry during the day, so meals consisted of breakfasts at our hotels and then a shared dinner. Granted, nearly every meal was pasta, and I even ate some bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, but when I got home, I had lost seven pounds. More interesting is that I lost another seven pounds in the two days after I got home. I attribute that to losing the after-travel bloat and no longer eating pasta. So yes, on 14 days of vacation, I lost 14 pounds. Tell me that won't jump-start your diet!

Since getting home, I began the 17-day diet and have lost another 15 pounds in about 32 days. I am back to within one pound of my all-time banded lowest weight. I did it on vacation, having fun, and walking like I've rarely walked before.

Now I'm back in full force and ready to push past that 215 milestone. When I updated my ticker, I noticed I'm smack dab in the middle of my weight-loss goal -- I've lost 76 pounds and I have another 76 to go. My next goal will be getting to Onederland, and then after that will be losing another eight pounds to make 100 pounds lost.

Yes, I am back indeed.

(The photo at the top is from Piazzale Michelangelo looking down the Arno towards the Ponte Vecchio.)

I haven't forgotten y'all

I'm in my last five weeks of college before graduation; and for anybody who has gone through college, you KNOW what that means. Besides that, my senior thesis is garnering some attention and is now being showcased in the College of Humanities and Social Sciences yearly symposium (coming up next week), and my professor seems to think it's very possible I might be able to have this published in a scholarly journal when it's all said and done. So needless to say, I've been VERY busy writing and editing and taking 10 credit hours to boot. I WILL be back, better than ever. But because of my stress, I'll no doubt have a few extra pounds to start losing. o_O

Those in glass houses...

I've sat on this for a few days because I'm just speechless, and NOW I'm getting angry. It's doubly hard when it's a family member that says or does something that is mean-spirited, uncalled-for, and ugly.

I mentioned a couple weeks ago what my sister said to me on Facebook (which is STILL there, I might add) about her new boyfriend mentioning that "at least he got the thin sister." Now she's going after my sister-in-law who is not only as cute as a button, but a genuinely nice person.

My brother wrote a funny e-mail to my mom (which then got shared with the rest of us) about my SIL:

So, for the last several nights, I've come home to [A] wearing her "comfy clothes"... Same pair of jeans and same t-shirt. Yesterday I said, "So, ah... I see you're wearing the same thing AGAIN...." She said, "What's the problem? I don't go out in these clothes; I'm just sitting on the couch." I said, "How about a little variety for when your hubby comes home?"

Today, I get home and she's wearing her wedding dress.....

This was followed by a picture he took with his cell phone. It was ADORABLE and truly funny.

My sister's reply?

I quite clearly saw her holding the back of her dress together, I assumed it was because she couldn't get it zipped up! LOLOL

JUST KIDDING [A] - LUV YA BABE!!

Um... yeah.

Oh, and you can put all the LOLOLOL's you want behind ugly comments, but they're still UGLY. And NOT funny. Except, it seems, to my sister.

Okay, my SIL is maybe 120 pounds soaking wet (and I'd guess she's about 5'7" or so, like me), and she could pass for one of the teenagers she teaches, even though she is in her early 40s. Maybe she was 105 or 110 when she got married about 17 years ago (I'm not a good guesser, but she's always been thin). I'd give ANYTHING to look that good.

I don't know what's gotten into my sister, but I find that really REALLY ugly. I don't even know if it bothered my SIL, but it bothered me. THIS time I didn't keep my mouth shut; I simply wrote back as a "reply all" that she was getting really good at these weight-focused quips and that she must be practicing. Wink. o_0

Again, if my sister was the epitome of perfect living, MAYBE I could give her some slack. Okay, not really, but you get the point. She has a few MAJOR vices of her own that, I guess because they don't show like our weight does, she feels better than people with a weight problem. Granted, when she DOES work out, she work out a LOT -- probably TOO much, as it's almost manic when she does it -- but the primary reason she does it is because she drinks like nobody I've ever seen. Her functioning alcoholism is the elephant in the room that nobody ever addresses or talks about... to HER. All of us have discussed it, but never with her.

But I guess somehow being a food addict is somehow more distasteful than being an alcohol addict to some. And for what it's worth, she's been an alcoholic longer than I've been fat. But wait -- SHE is also a food addict. She's a recovering bulemic and anorexic. I told her one day years ago that the only difference between she and I is that I had never stuck my finger down my throat. However, as I think about this, that's not truly the ONLY difference because, though I have made horrible choices in food which have led to my weight gain, I have never binged.

People in glass houses...

I'm such a loser

In a month's time, I'm down 12.5 pounds! YAY!

I have been doing very well on my eating program, eating good foods and drinking my water. I have also been exercising as I should (five days a week, but my two "off" days are days I have to trek across campus, so I at least get walking in). My body's been feeling the exercise, but I'd rather that than the alternative, which is to feel the exhaustion from the weight I'm carrying around.

It feels good to finally feel in control of what I'm doing.

Back on the bandwagon!

Well, since my mom's nice "pep talk" a few weeks ago, I am now officially down 10 pounds! It's a great start, and I'm very happy with it! Now it's time to head to the basement to get today's exercise in.

Balance and lack of core

Well, I incorporated a NEW exercise into my regimen today -- a balance disc! Wow, will THAT show you how bad your core is! There's a part of me that thinks it could be harder, but parts of it just are not do-able right now with my weight and lack of muscle tone (think planks and planks with leg raises).

However, I've reinstated my love affair with Richard. He's so sweet -- like the most hairy little girlfriend you have. lol

I have also noticed the difference between the videos I have -- on one side is Jillian screaming that you can do it, and on the other I have Richard and a few others lovingly telling you how great you're doing. I guess I pick what I'm going to do based on whether I need the harsh language or loving support.

What is the difference between those who succeed and those who struggle?

I've been thinking about this a lot today. I go to some of your blogs and see HUGE success stories -- the weight has been lost in a year, maybe 18 months, and you're at goal or even below it. I can't tell you how inspirational your stories are! It proves that maybe we can also grasp that golden ring one day and "be there." Maybe WE can wear clothes that are single digits and don't begin with 1s or 2s or have an X in them. You inspire and awe me. And... honestly? I feel a bit envious of you. Not jealous like, "Arrrgh, I wish she was where I am so I could feel better about myself," but more like, "I wish I could feel that good about myself."

I am not one of those success stories. I won't beat myself up and be a downer because I AM 50 pounds down from where I began. I consider that a success in its own right (and for the sake of clarification in this entry, I will refer to those who are at or near goal as success stories, and those of us whose weight may still be bouncing around as the strugglers). But I wonder what is different in me and so many other friends I have that are banded who are struggling with their weight. A couple are struggling with their bands, but that's another story, something that can't be avoided.

I'm talking about those of us who still struggle with the food. I guess I sit here and wonder, since all of us obviously had issues with food which made us fat, how did the success story people overcome that? Was it that, unlike people like me, they considered the band "IT," the end of the line, the final stop on the diet yo-yo crazy ride, and they took it more seriously? It makes me wonder what is lacking in me that SURGERY still was not somehow enough to knock some sense into me. Again, I'm not beating myself up about what I HAVE accomplished, but I need to address these issues so I can keep myself on track and/or apply somebody's wisdom to my shortfalls.

I've been doing well on the 17-Day Diet, which tells me that I do better when I'm structured and not left to my own devices. I don't know if that will always be the case, but I have to be prepared that just eating small portions of junk will not do me any good. We all know the junk food is typically also a slider food, so where some may be able to eat a handful of chips, I can probably still eat half the bag. o_O

So I guess all this is to say that I see a lot more of us struggling -- so what are the success stories doing differently? I think I know the answer (eat well, exercise), but I can't help but wonder if there is more to it. If it's an internal flaw within myself, I don't know how to fix that.

It isn't January 1 by chance, is it?

I promised myself at the end of the year that come January 1 I was going to start exercising again. I went from working out five to six days a week to zero. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Nyet. Nein. Okay, you get the idea.

Well, I dragged myself kicking and screaming to go work out. Yep, all the way into the basement. I had thought about it for hours, and as it was, I didn't make it down there until 6:45. That's PM. As in evening. Nighttime. Late. Again, you get the idea.

But I did it. I did my old standby, my Goddess kettlebell kick-ass-and-take-names video. Okay, not really -- Jillian could take these wenches. But it was still a good workout. Not quite so wimpy a re-entry into exercise that I feel like I cheated, not quite so hard (*cough*Jillian*cough) that I said, "Well, I'll never do THAT again, thankyouverymuch!"

Now I need to stick with it and make my eating-and-exercise program legit. I mean, without the exercise you just have -- well, eating. It's like Laurel without Hardy, George without Gracie, Penn without Teller, Will without Grace, peas without carr-- oops, that's back to eating again. o_O

NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!

NOOO, I do NOT want to go out to dinner with you tonight!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!

I told foodie wife last night that I couldn't keep doing the going out thing anymore. SHE seems to have heard, "Sorry, I can't do dinner with you tonight, but why don't you call me tomorrow night about dinner out please, please, pretty please." O,O

Holy crap, are we speakin' the same language??

Foodie friends are starting again...

They know I'm "dieting" (as in trying to get myself completely under control -- and I've been succeeding). Well, DH is out of town this week for work, and they called tonight to see if I wanted to go out to eat. After we got eight inches of snow yesterday. Uh, not no, but HELL NO. I used the snow as the reason I didn't want to see them, but I told the wife I've been eating well and doing it at home and that I need to continue doing so. It's time AGAIN for that talk. I canNOT believe I have to do this again.

If this doesn't quit, and I mean QUIT, it might be time for a friend-ectomy. They are beyond getting on my last nerve these days. What is it about some people who are either too thick or too self-centered to "get it." If all I'm good for is being an eating buddy, then I'd rather forgo the friendship. This is really making me angry now.

Two more pounds gone!

That makes five pounds just since Friday! I keep saying to myself that NO FOOD tastes as good as this empowerment feels! :)

I've been sticking really stringently to my eating plan, but I feel like I've been eating a lot. Granted, it's modified for my band (for instance, "liberal amounts" of protein and veggies is no more than 2 or 2 1/2 ounces of meat and 1/2 cup of veggies), but I also realize that one of the things that probably affects me as far as plateaus is not getting ENOUGH food.

There are some who feel if you simply eat X number of calories and expend X+ calories (eat less than you expend), that you will just lose. Period. However, I think all those diet books out there that claim if you eat less than 1,000 calories, it shuts down your metabolism, are right -- at least for me.

I knew a LBTer who swore that she ate 800 calories all the time and lost consistently. Even IF that was true, I don't think it is true for all people.

I'm certainly not counting calories, so I have no idea what I'm getting. But I AM drinking my water and green tea, and I am eating three meals plus one snack (typically Kefir, so it's not really a meal).

I guess we'll see where this goes. :)

Oh, and take that, Mom. Nyeah.

Is it possible to divorce family? :(

Between my mom's comments last week and today, I think it might just be time. {sigh}

My sister is going through a divorce. He asked her for one just before Thanksgiving. She immediately started dating a guy she's known in her circle for a while who has "loved her from afar." They seem rather inseparable since they began, and they are on vacation as I write this.

She posted a really nice photo of the two of them on her Facebook page. One of her FB friends mentioned that she and her husband look really nice together. This created a flurry of comments that it's not the hubby, and my sister this morning wrote that he was her boy toy. I simply wrote:

"I thought boy toys were younger. MUCH younger. o_O"

Which is true. It wasn't a dig at him; it's just that boy toys are usually in their early 20s or so -- hence the "toy" part. He is NOT 20.

She wrote back:

"[He] said he's glad he got the 'thin' sister!!!! LOLOL"

Holy hell, wtf IS this??

Now mind you, she has her own rather major issues; so to point at my fatness is really rather low since I have not said anything remotely close to her about her vices, much less on a public message board such as Facebook.

Sometimes I just want to run away -- and I don't even live close to anybody. I felt that was a really low blow. And she must not feel too bad about what she wrote as it's still there.

Shelving tools

I was thinking about this when I went to bed last night (it's weird how and where I think up stuff), and I look back at all the different tools I've had over the years to try to help get my weight under control. Books, diet pills, exercise equipment, and now the band. More often than not, those tools have been shelved after having been utilized for a while. I have books that have been unread (or read and not followed after a while); I have thrown away HUNDREDS of dollars' worth of supplements over the years; my workout equipment probably has an inch of dust all over it; and my band has been bypassed with sliders and unhealthy choices and my pouch, at times, stretched to where it can take in a normal-sized meal.

Why do I do this? Why do WE do this? I'm sure I'm not the only one. When I got the band over two years ago, I said, "This is IT. THIS time I'm serious." And how did THAT work?

I guess all this is to say that we can have all the tools in the world; but if we shelve them, those tools are as useless as WE ALLOW them to be. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being carried along unwillingly towards failure when the reality is that I willingly create it by the choices I make.

This week I have begun dusting off my tools, oiling them up, honing their edges, and preparing them for work.

Another loss!!

Yesterday was the first day I had done the 17-Day Diet (modified quantity-wise for my band, of course), and I'm down 1 1/2 pounds this morning! With the 1 1/2 I lost the day before and the pound I lost when visiting my parents, that's four in about a week, three of those in two days. I realize right now we're talking mostly water weight as I'm flooding my system with the proper amounts, bit frankly, any loss realized is a real boost!

New year, new attitude

I guess that's why I'm doing this "diet" thing -- the fact is, I can't control what happens to others, and I can't even control what happens to me in many cases.  The one thing I CAN control is making myself healthier by making good choices.  I know how I feel when I'm eating well and exercising, and NO food in the world even comes close -- yet I have chosen time and again to eat junk and NOW I've gained 32 pounds from my lowest band weight.  I'm done with this shit.  Nobody can do this FOR me, and little by little I'm breaking away from the people in my life that are bad influences.

Foodie wife wanted to hook up last night and I said no.  I like them, but they annoy me.  I need to back up a bit because a lot has happened since I was posting regularly. {insert way-back tinkling sound here}

'Memba foodie husband who burned the crap out of the bottoms of his feet when we went on vacation over two years ago?  Well, the one foot was not healing -- it would get so far, and then he'd start acting stupid and it would stop healing or start getting bigger.  The doctor would tell him to stay OFF his feet, and the first thing he would do is go to some bike show or something where he was walking all over the place for hours.  I swear, sometimes I don't know how the man puts his pants on every day without a pit crew to help him.  o_O  I truly have a hard time dealing with intentionally stupid people.

Well, he has been in and out of a "boot" to keep him off the affected spot, and he even missed out on his dream vacation in September to Alaska (2 weeks, cruise and land) because his foot started flaring up literally days before they were to leave.  You would have thought that would have changed his ways.  Oh, he was MAD, but since that time he has probably put on about 60 pounds.  I kid you not, he's HUGE!  He still takes his insulin, but I guess he thinks that means that he can eat whatever he wants (he eats a bowl of ice cream before bed EVERY night -- "to maintain his blood sugar through the night"), and when he eats for his insulin, he EATS.  We're not talking a small, healthy snack here, we're talking a fast-food take-out full meal.

So here recently he broke his big toe and didn't even realize it.  Yep, snapped it like a twig.  It had probably been a couple days until somehow he noticed the throbbing.  This is another sign of diabetes; but come to find out, he ALSO has neuropathy.  That coupled with the diabetes can be very VERY dangerous if he's not careful.  Which he's not.  So you see, food has completely taken over his life because NOW he seems to be able to justify eating so often -- even though the choices are horrible.  He WILL kill himself, after he loses his feet and/or legs.

Foodie husband has me really more upset than I should be because he's not even related to me; but the fact that he's given himself diabetes to the point where he now needs insulin and he still eats like a freaking pig and does shit he shouldn't just angers me.  Why is that?  THAT really confuses me.  Maybe it's because I know, by looking at him, that EVERYTHING related to him will revolve around food, going out, etc.  Hubby went to a gun show with him while I was at the folks', and immediately afterward it was, "Wanna go get something to eat?"  And I'm tired of being the turd in the punch bowl every time the four of us get together and they want to go eat and I say no.  They don't seem to get it, and I end up pissed off to hell and back.  I need FRIENDS, not eating buddies. But they don't even give a shit about themselves -- I can never expect them to give a shit about me.

I've come to the conclusion that the SECOND this starts up again, I WILL tell them that they have two choices -- they can have me as a friend who will NOT participate in eating out, or they can move along.  These people are truly toxic to me, and I'm tired of this fight.

My first loss in a while

Granted, I got really bad about weighing myself because I couldn't face the reality that I was gaining, but this morning the scale budged for the first time since I reacquainted myself with it nearly three weeks ago.  I hadn't even started the 17-Day Diet yet, but I lost 1 1/2 pounds!  I am certain the biggest reason for this is resuming water consumption, but I'll take it!

I began the program this morning.  Breakfast was two scrambled eggs (no oil or butter), half an orange, and green tea.  Lunch will be salmon, probably a salad, and the other orange half.  Typically the fruit is listed under breakfast and snack, but since I'm such a late riser (due to late nights, which MUST change so I'm not eating breakfast at 11:00am!), I'll have the orange with lunch today.

Anyway, let's see what happens during this 2 1/2 weeks!

Yeah, I went there

Okay, don't judge me.  :)  I broke down and bought this book to help me through some of my eating issues.  As some of us know, the band only does so much -- we STILL need to eat well-balanced, good meals.  I'm not always good about doing that.  Okay, scratch that -- I SUCK at it.  Beyond that, last year I went through a plateau from hell where I plateaued for six months while I ate everything right and worked out five to six days a week.  I figured this could help get my attention on eating well.  This is what the first part of the plan looks like:

The first cycle is "Accelerate," which allows for

lean proteins like salmon, sole, founder, catfish, tilapia, canned light tuna in water; poultry like chicken and turkey breasts, ground lean turkey, eggs, and egg whites;

"cleansing vegetables" like artichokes, asparagus, bell peppers (all colors), broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, cucumbers, eggplant, garlic, green beans, green leafy veggies, kale, leeks, lettuce of all varieties, mushrooms, okra, onions, parsley, scallions, spinach, tomatoes, and watercress;

low-sugar fruit (2 servings daily) like apples, berries (all types) grapefruit, oranges, peaches, pears, plums, prickly pear cactus, prunes, and red grapes; [these servings must be eaten before 2:00 each day so that the body can burn them properly and not turn them into forced fat]

probiotic foods (2 servings daily) like yogurt (any type, including Greek-stle, sugar-free fruit flavored, plain and low-fat), kefir (a drinking "yogurt"), low-fat acidophilus milk, yakult (I have no idea what this is), Breakstone LiveActive cottage cheese, reduced salt miso dissolved in low-fat and low-sodium broth, tempeh, sauerkraut, and kimchi;

and friendly fats (1 to 2 tablespoons daily) such as olive oil or flaxseed oil.

Additionally there are condiments (in moderation) like herbs and spices, Truvia, lite soy, marinara, sugar-free jams and jellies, cooking spray, fat-free cheeses, fat-free salad dressing, salt, pepper, vinegar, mustard, low-carb ketchup, fat-free sour cream, low-fat -sodium broth

A day would look like this:

Breakfast: 2 eggs or 4 egg whites, prepared without oil; or 1 serving probiotic food such as yogurt; 1 fruit serving; 1 cup green tea (he has green tea at every meal, which I will have to figure out where/when to do it)

Lunch: Liberal amounts of protein in the form of fish, poultry, or eggs plus unlimited amounts of cleansing vegetables; or 1 probiotic serving plus unlimited amounts of cleansing vegetables; 1 cup green tea

Dinner: Liberal amounts of protein in the form of fish or chicken; unlimited amounts of cleansing vegetables; 1 cup green tea

Snack/s: 2nd fruit serving; 2nd probiotic serving

Additional: 1 serving (1 to 2 tablespoons) of friendly fat to use on salads, vegetables, or for cooking.

Also, every morning is begun with a hot cup of water with lemon.  He says that it gets the body ready to begin processing our food.  And of course, eight 8-ounce glasses of water every day (WATER, not just any liquid -- you can have other low- or no-cal stuff like diet sodas, coffee, or tea, but it won't count toward your daily intake).

Sorry, I know this is a lot now that I see it -- but as you see, it's pretty normal eating. There's another process after the first 17 days that I haven't even looked at yet, but I know you can add in other stuff like lean read meats and shellfish, among other things.

As I go through this and learn more, I'll post more.

{insert wicked cackle here}

So mom called tonight. The first thing out of her mouth was that she gained two pounds in the week I was there. [snicker] Oh, REALLY? And here I lost a pound. She said she couldn't believe it since we ate the same. "Uh, no we didn't," I corrected her. "YOU ate that entire carton of chocolate chip cookies, minus the ONE I ate." Yeah, she forgot that. Plus, I told her the few times I did snack on things like Triscuits, I couldn't eat more than five or six at a time, whereas HER hand kept going in and out of the box. Additionally, the few nights I did ice cream (it was a low-fat vanilla my dad bought [90 calories and 1.5g of fat for 1/2 cup], topped with fat-free chocolate syrup and some walnuts), SHE did a big bowl, while I did a small pyrex bowl that probably only holds about 1/2 cup.

I also said that I found it rather disgusting that she would berate me for gaining weight and then send me on my merry way with cookies. She kind of chuckled at that and said, "Yeah, that's true." I told her I gave all but one of them away.

So yeah, I'm experiencing a bit of wicked glee from the news.

Revenge is sweet

Well, I left the folks' on Sunday and came home via train (if you've never traveled by train, I HIGHLY recommend it, by the way).  Her friend had made some batches of cookies and had given us some while I was there.  TWO batches, no less.  The first batch, I ate a couple (there were quite a few, sent in a tupperware).  The second batch was sent in a baggie.

Before I left on Sunday, my mom told me to take the baggie of cookies with me.  WHAT??  Okay, I'm making bad choices, but send me off with cookies so THEY don't eat them?  Now mind you, not only did they eat  most of the first batch, but she sent my dad to the store to get a container of bakery chocolate chip cookies from the grocery.  Out of about 16 to 18 cookies, I had ONE.  She ate almost all the rest.

Okay, so she sends me off with these cookies.  I didn't really snap to it until earlier today, but when I did, I had a true WTF moment.  The GOOD news is that out of the four cookies, I gave two to two little girls on the train, and another one to the lady sitting next to me for the whole trip.  That left ME with one, which I did eat.

I got on the scale today, and during my trip I had lost a pound.  I wasn't eating great, but I wasn't eating horribly either.  I wrote her and asked how SHE did (being snarky and rubbing it in) and told her I had lost a pound.  She didn't answer me.  I know damn well by the way she was eating that she gained.  Revenge is sweet.  ;)

When food- and weight-Nazis strike

Ugh, today was not a good day.  I'm visiting my folks right now as I'm between semesters, and today I got "the talking to" from my mom about my weight.  Do those closest to us REALLY need to point out that we're still fat or struggling or making bad choices?  I don't know about any of YOU, but I know when I've put on weight.  I'm the one that has to try to fit into my underpants in the morning.

I'm sure it was MEANT to sound like concern, but what she said was I am fortunate, highly intelligent, can go on vacation if I want, have a nice home, own my vehicles, etc., and from the outside I look to others like I'm strong and accomplished -- so why can't I get it together? And beyond all that, I have a band now to help me lose the weight.  So what's the problem?  She said I'm using excuses like the stress from last semester to excuse what I'm doing -- "It's 'stress' that made me make bad decisions and not exercise, etc."

My mom, who was thin until she hit her late 50s and could always eat whatever she wanted, has a good 50 or so pounds she could stand to lose.  I said, "Okay, then let's turn the tide -- other than the band, you have everything I have AND you don't have a job and you have two gyms you can use here for free whenever you want, so what is your excuse?"  She then said that it wasn't about her because she doesn't care about her weight anymore .  WTH is with that?  I KNEW once I got a band and told her about it, it would be one hugee failure she could point out if I didn't rock it like some have.

I don't know if any of you have gone through that; but if you have, you know how disheartening that feels.  I don't need to have my teeth kicked in because there are none left from where I have been kicking them in.  I've often wondered what I would have been like if I had had some positive influence in my life.  :/

I'm coming out of hiding - Erica and Caroline, this is for you :)

I've missed you all so much.  I know we don't know each other, but I have gleaned so much from so many of you, and I hope I have been able to do the same.

Erica hit the nail on the head.  I saw that she and Caroline had both posted something to me in December and I just couldn't bring myself to come here or to deal with my issues.  Well, it's a new year, and I have promised myself that I will get back on this horse and ride again.

Initially I was away because last semester was SO stressful and time-consuming.  I didn't exercise at ALL and probably haven't done much beyond walk across campus for over six months now.  However, as time went on, it got much more than just school stress.  My weight, which at its lowest was about 220 (three months before Jamaica, and which I was going to attempt to get into the hundreds BY Jamaica) is now at 247.  I don't think I have to tell any of you how devastating that is -- to get surgery and go so drastic and I am now going backwards. [OMG, how freaking depressing -- I went to modify my weight ticker to reflect honestly where I am, and in April of last year I was 215.6, not 220.  Just shoot me now...  :( ]

I am chatting with others who are banded as well, and only one or two of us are doing any good.  The rest are either struggling with weight or their bands have had issues and needed to be removed or swapped out or NEED to be removed.

I had promised myself that no matter what, this blog would be my "diary" of the good AND the bad, and I did just as Erica said and went into hiding.  I'm very good at that when things are going badly.

This is my first toe dip into the pool of my life again, and I will do whatever I can to continue exploring the good and the bad on my weight journey (I typed "loss" then erased it, considering that I've gained).

I hope you will all link arms with me and we can get through this together, good and bad.  Thank you for hanging around.