Been looking at YouTube videos...

...of Lap-Band success stories, and it's hard to believe that one day I could -- wait, I WILL -- be one of those stories. I've been fat for nearly half my life now, so it's hard to even get my mind around the fact that those days are melting away along with my body.

Some of them are truly amazing, to the point where they don't even look the same. So I decided to take some lame photos of myself with my phone (my small camera's battery is dead), and though I can't get much of me in there (head and breast area only), I definitely see a difference in my face from pics that were taken of me in October when we went to Hawaii! My face looked like a jack-o-lantern, it was so full, and now, though it's still not slender, it's lost a lot of the puff.

I know I need to somehow keep a video journal of my success because, as time goes on, it will be hard for me to see the progress by just looking in the mirror. I have avoided the camera for so long, it will take some effort to purposely take pictures of myself or have them taken for me. But I know this will also help boost my self-confidence and feelings of success on this journey. I know 32 pounds right now is a drop in the bucket when you have to lose about 150, but I don't want to minimize it. Eight pounds more and I have lost a large bag of dog food. ;)

I passed the test!!!

Went out with a couple to another couple's house tonight for game night. We were all the same couples who had met last weekend when there was too much wine consumed by me. One of the ladies and I went to the store to get stuff to take to the other couple's house, and I determined I was going to be GOOD and SAFE tonight.

I bought cucumbers, radishes, apples, and pears, and took my tzatziki and hummus as dips. For a drink I bought a gallon jug of diet Arizona Green tea. She bought a few different types of beer, some diet sodas, and salsa. Because salsa and chips have been a real draw for her lately, she chose to substitute the chips for diet/wheat flatbreads toasted in a toaster oven. Good move!

We got to the house and the hostess had brownies, pizza, chips, and a "pizza dip." I drank ZERO alcohol (even when the host poured us all shots of Maker's Mark) and had a couple glasses of tea, followed by a couple glasses of water. I ate mostly cucumbers with the tzatziki, some radishes, one very SMALL bite of brownie (maybe as long and wide as my thumb), and three or four of my friend's makeshift chips with the "pizza dip." THAT WAS IT!!!

Hubby (who didn't go because he had a migraine) said he was very pround and asked if it was hard. Honestly, it wasn't! I went in knowing what I was going to do and I stuck to it. A couple times I thought I would drink the shot or fix ONE drink, but I chose not to, reminding myself that it is essentially straight sugar and not worth it.

I can't believe how good it felt, to be in control and NOT feel like I was barely hanging on by my fingernails. I realized I was totally in control of what went in my mouth, and that is VERY empowering.

I didn't get the workout in today that I wanted to because my friend and I were out from noon until 4:30, and we had to be ready to go by 6:30 (I ate a sensible dinner before going, so I wasn't hungry -- ANOTHER plus), but I can make that up tomorrow, no problem.

From yesterday until today I had a 2 1/2 pound weight loss, so that had me really hyped. And yesterday I was down 1 1/2, finally losing the remainder of the weight I gained last weekend (plus 1/2 pound), so it feels really good. Now I will have to stay dedicated to ME so that I don't waste half a month regaining seven pounds that had already been lost. I would be nearly at 40 pounds lost had I not let stupid stuff get the better of me. This feels much better than wine ever will, especially since I don't really LOVE wine. :)

I hope my friend also feels she did well. I told her I would help be her keeper tonight -- not that I would be on her case, but that maybe she would not feel affected by me and the party atmosphere if I kept myself in check too. She had two beers and a couple sips of the shot, so I think she did well too. And she ate her salsa with her better "chips" and I think it satisfied that craving but was better for her overall.

Wine is NOT my friend

And not in the way you're thinking.

Normally I don't even drink the stuff, so it shouldn't be a regular issue, but within the month of January, I drank more than I probably did all of 2008. First I was at my folks' for about six days and drank most of a box of wine (yes, I said a box, lol). Granted, that wasn't the only reason for my 4 1/2 pound gain as we went to the movies three times and I had popcorn. And at their house there was gummi bears and peppermint patties. So it took me a week and a half to get back to where I started. I literally JUST got to my pre-visit weight the day before last weekend's dinner party... where three of us pretty much polished off five bottles of wine. And another 2 1/2 pounds found my ass again. It took until yesterday, a full week later, to lose that plus an extra 1/2 pound for good measure. :(

Now thankfully I don't have stuff like that around the house, but I DO find that when in a social setting, I can absolutely lose track of myself and go way overboard. I guess it's the addictive personality I have. No, not the addictive personality that draws people to me like an addiction (though I do suffer so with that one too, lol), but the one where I am addicted to things and tend to do them to excess.

So this month I have lost and gained and lost the same seven pounds, which really pisses me off at myself. Had I been a good girl, I would be almost 40 pounds down since surgery. We have another get-together tonight, so let's hope that I remember this when I get there. My plan is taking hot tea or some other beverage that is non-alcoholic. I may indulge in one glass of wine, but I think if I don't get wrapped up in the party atmosphere and keep my head about me, I will remember what I'm doing and why. I don't even like wine that terribly much, so where is the worth in sabotaging my own self with it?? Duh...

Here's what poo-poo head did to me

Now mind you, the large chunks were a good foot high. This, by the way, is looking from my garage out. So... I can't get traction going OVER the stuff cuz I have ice before it, and I can't get traction after going over the stuff cuz I have ice after it. It's just plain stupidity. No wonder the country is a wreck -- cuz men run it! :P

Tried a recipe from the cookbook I listed here

And I thought it was really tasty!

Chicken Saute with Mushrooms

Olive oil cooking spray
1 pound chicken breast cutlets
3 tbsp shallots, finely chopped
2 cups fresh mushrooms, sliced
1/2 cup white wine
3/4 cup fat-free, low-sodium chicken broth
1/2 cup plain, fat-free yogurt
1/2 packet artificial sweetener (Splenda or Sweet 'N Low)
1 tbsp fresh tarragon, finely chopped
Salt and pepper to taste

1. In a large nonstick skillet, heat cooking spray until hot but not smoking. Saute chicken for 3 minutes on each side until golden brown and no longer pink inside. Remove chicken from pan and keep warm.
2. Re-spray pan, add shallots and mushrooms, and cook, stirring, for about 2 minutes or until tender. Pour in wine, increase heat to high, and cook for 2 minutes.
3. Add broth and cook for 3-5 minutes, until reduced by half. Reduce heat to low and stir in yogurt and sweetener. Cook for about 2 minutes or until thick enough to coat spoon.
4. Stir in tarragon and season with salt and pepper to taste. Pour over chicken.

Makes 4 servings

Calories: 180.81; Protein: 29.40g; Fat: 1.61g; Carbohydrates: 6.44g; Cholesterol: 66.40mg; Fiber 0.51g; Sodium: 230.26mg


The only thing I did different is I didn't use artificial sweetener. One GRAIN of the stuff and hubby can taste it. So instead I added 1/8 tsp sugar. I liked it very much, and I mixed my mushrooms, using regular button white, baby bellas, and shiitake. Very yummy!

Why are husbands such poo-poo heads???

Omg, so we got snow the other day, which was then followed by sleet/freezing rain. Of course that means frozen snow, right?

Okay, so today hubby was working from home, and when I got home, I saw that a swatch of pipe stem (a common driveway with four houses on it off the main street) had been cleared alongside our side of the stem. HOWEVER, about five feet from the entrance to the garage was a pile of this stuff about six feet long and a good foot high! Which I have to try to drive over. To get into the garage. In a convertible. Ice. *sigh*

So I back in as I always do and the rear tires hit this stuff. Spiiiiiiiinnnnnn. I rock forward, then back again. Spiiiiiiinnnnnnn. Shit! After a couple more tries and fishtailing pretty badly, I get the BACK tires over. Now comes the front. Spiiiiiiiinnnnnnn. Rock forward, back again, spiiiiiiinnnnn. I could kill him. WTF is he thinking??? After a few more rocks back and forth, I get the front tires over but now I have to get it into the garage, and the base is a couple inches higher than the drive. I always have to hit the gas a tad bit to get the back tires up and over as it is. And.... spiiiiiiiinnnnnnn. SHIT! Rock some more, and eventually get in.

The love of my life is standing at the back door in the garage, and I ask, "Did you do this??" HE proceeds to get offended. "I worked four hours on that, blah blah blah," and I say, "Well, that's great, honey, but did you hafta leave a pile of this stuff in FRONT of the garage?" He gets pissy. And starts with his, "Fine, then I'll never..." Omg, keep me from punching him. And now the gloves are off. I tell him to grow up, he tells me I'm overreacting. I said I simply questioned him and he acted like a little baby, he said I didn't appreciate the work he did. I said If *I* had been the one to do something like that, he would have said the same thing. He says, "Fine, then I'll never...." GAAAHHHH!!! I tell him he needs to either increase his meds or take that little pink immediate-action happy pill because he's been a real pissant for two frikken farken weeks now. "PISSANT?" he asks. "Yes, among other things," I say. He says, "That's right, it's always me." I say, "I'm glad you see that." Then we go back and forth with him saying sarcastically, "You're right," "I know I'm right," "I know, I said you're right," "You got it, I'm right," "I know, cuz I'm never right," "No, honey, you're just not always right like I'm sure mommy always told you you were." Bitch, moan, hiss, boo. Nice end to a crappy week. Gaaaahhhh!!

Learning to "just do it"

Here lately I've been doing pretty well with exercise. Thank God for basements! Between my Richard Simmons DVDs (among others) , a stationary bike, an ellliptical trainer, and hand weights and a medicine ball, I have all I need.

Tonight wasn't one of my "scheduled" workout nights, but frankly there wasn't much on TV, and I finally just said, screw it, I can get a good hour workout in. So I did. I took a movie with me (as I can't really pull in TV down there) and worked between the bike and the elliptical -- 10 minutes each, back and forth, until I had an hour in.

Lordy, that feels good! And fitting into my size 20's didn't hurt my enthusiasm! :)

If size was an age, I'd be getting younger!

So today I decided to delve into that unknown territory known as the left-hand side of my closet. That is where I house the "used-to-fits," the pants that hang there all forlorn and sad, literally collecting dust.

The pants I have been wearing were getting baggy, true, but I just couldn't get my mind around the possibility that the others would fit.

Well... not only did they fit, they fit WELL -- not tight, not too loose. They were just right! I about squealed and scared the dogs, I was so excited! Now I have more to wear than ever. It had gotten to the point where I refused to buy anything new, so I would wear the same 4-5 pants every week. I'm glad to say that they have now been officially evicted from the closet. :)

My GOD this feels good! I was in such denial that they would fit that I could have done this probably two weeks ago and it would have been fine.

Goodbye 22, hello 20! Pretty soon I will be in a mini onederland -- clothes that begin with a one and not a two! ;)

I also put on a couple sweaters this week that I haven't been able to wear in well over a year... probably closer to a year-and-a-half! I'm lovin' this!!

Had a "coming to Jesus talk" with DH the other day

Remember those eating buddy friends I was talking about? Well... they caused a fight here the other night. I admit up front that I overreacted and read DH the riot act out of turn, but maybe it was time. He needs to reconsider his "other woman" for my sanity.

I had just gotten home from my folks' house on Tuesday evening. Late, for a work night. I maybe had 20 minutes to sit here and talk to hubby before we had to go to bed. I told my mom, sure as I'm standing here, the eating buddies are gonna call or e-mail Wednesday about going out to eat.

Sure enough, the wife e-mailed me Wednesday morning and asked if we wanted to go out to dinner. I simply ignored the e-mail and went about my day. I knew hubby was making beef stroganoff that day, which I would only partake of a little bit and eat something else more healthy, so going out to eat was not even in the gameplan.

So... I get home and DH says that the eating buddies are coming OVER to eat with us. OMG!! Now, I have had company solid from December 26 until January 4, and then I went to my folks' from January 15 to the 20th. I'm very much the homebody, so I was ready to just relax with DH and the tv, not play hostess to company that I feel just jumps on me at every opportunity. This is the same couple that called me the FIRST DAY I could eat solids after my surgery and asked, "Can you eat?? Can you eat??" knowing damn well that I could and then wanted to go have Chinese. I even said to the wife, "What the hell, did you have it on your calendar??"

So as I said, DH says they're coming over for dinner, and I hit the fan. I was like, OMG, why didn't you clear it with me first?? I already ignored a message from them asking about dinner, and now they're coming here and I really don't want them here, blah blah blah. That turned into our "coming to Jesus talk." I said that sometimes I feel just totally overwhelmed by the three of them, that ALL they do is focus on food 24/7 to the point where I feel hopeless and completely overtaken by it all. I told him how I felt that he is consumed by food, that he lives to eat rather than eats to live (which he denied), and I said bullshit, even our daughter who had visited over the new year said to my mom that all he does is talk about food. When his friend was here after Christmas, omg, all they did was talk about food! I'm just immersed in it, and I'm trying SO hard to not make everything in my life about FOOD.

He talked about how supportive he has been, and I said yes, to a point. He IS supportive in some ways, but he can be a huge saboteur in the fact that after a while he misses going out, and then it's, "Well, let's just go here this once," or, "I have a coupon for CiCi's Pizza, and it's only $5 for the buffet," but when I remind him my buffet days are over, he says, "Yeah, but it's only $5 to eat as much as you want, even if it's only a piece." Uh, C'MON! I don't think CiCi's is on my long-term eating plan! And wow, you ought to see the pantry. My mom had it right that he is likely making up for the fact that we're not eating out so much, but after my surgery there were donuts, little chocolate mini cakes, m&m's, Fiddle Faddle, cheese and crackers, you name it. I am thankful that it wasn't a draw for me, but OMG! It's like if I was a recovering alcoholic and couldn't go to the bars anymore, would you bring booze into the house???

So because of all this pent-up crap, I was ranting and raving. I let all these things I've been feeling for so long come out in a flood all at once, though I didn't intend for it to happen that way. But then again, maybe it needed to come out like that to have an impact.

So of course NOW every time I say something to him about food like what do you want for dinner, he says that I need to choose because he's trying not to make everything about food. *rolls eyes* I know he's not exactly being snarky, but...

Went to an OA meeting yesterday

Well, I finally broke down and did it. I went to a local Overeaters Anonymous meeting yesterday. There's only one in my town that was given at a time that I could attend, which is 8:45 on a Saturday morning. Ugh.

It was okay. When I got there, this other lady and I (who were both trying to find it) were the only ones there besides the two hosts. Little by little a couple others trickled in until there were six of us in total.

One was a recovering bulemic (the one that came in with me, cuz I looked at her and thought WTH??), and everybody had been to OA before -- either this meeting or years before. I was the only OA virgin.

I guess the only thing that put me off a tad was that they read everything from a binder. I mean, people told their stories and all, but it felt too... scripted. I dunno. I'll keep trying and see if it's really for me or if I should go another route like some other form of group thing or private therapist.

I always knew that my issues were more mental than they were physical or even about right food choices. I have lost a lot of weight in the past (50 pounds once, 70 pounds more recently), and for some reason, when I start realizing I'm succeeding, or when I start getting attention (usually male), I freak out and start sabotaging myself and eating all the wrong things. Then I end up back where I started -- or worse.

I haven't yet figured out what that trigger is or why it happens. The fact is, though, I know that it DOES happen, which is probably half the battle. I can only think that MAYBE it was because when I was losing the other times, my relationship with DH was not as close as I would have hoped and I was afraid the male attention would make me do something I would regret. That's all I can guess.

So if that IS the issue, or if it's simply that I no longer know how to deal with attention and compliments, I need to get a grip on that and figure it out. I canNOT have myself sabotage my own self again and risk my health.

Some new books came in while I was away

I was specifically looking for a book that was mentioned on LBT, and it sounded like something I could definitely benefit from.

It's called "Weight Loss Surgery with the Adjustable Gastric Band: Everything You Need to Know Before and After Surgery to Lose Weight Successfully," and it's written by Robert Sewell (below):



I look forward to delving into sections such as "Causes and Treatments of Obesity," "Medical Management of the AGB (Adjustable Gastric Band)," and "Living With the AGB."

Some have called it the "bible" for those of us with the band, so I guess we'll see.

Another book that came while I was away is called "The Emotional First Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery," written by Cynthia Alexander, PsyD. (below):



Because all of us have emotional issues that either led us to eat or came about once we got heavy, I thought it would be a great addition to my growing library. It covers "How to Prepare Yourself Psychologically Before Surgery," "Self-Talk," "Stress Relief and Comfort Without Food," "Beginning a Consistent Exercise Program," "Behavior Modification," "Relapse Prevention," "Relationships and How They May Change After Surgery," "Common Reactions to Weight Loss," and "Depression After Surgery."

These topics sound very meaty and real, and I really look forward to trying to learn even more about myself and about some of the challenges I may face.

Family and questions about the band

I'm in South Carolina visiting the folks over the long weekend. This is the first time they've seen me since I've been banded, and there have been lots of questions. They wanted to see scars, asked about the port, how the band works, etc.

The only thing I wish is that this second fill had given me a bit more restriction. I can still eat a regular-person sized meal, but that's okay. The good thing that came of this last fill is that I am not STARVING about 2-3 hours after having eaten. I don't know what that was all about because I never got like that before the band. So the fact that that feeling is gone is a definite plus. I am thinking I may try to go in one week sooner than the one-month appointment I made just to get it going a bit sooner.

The other issue with being out of town is trying hard to eat right. We certainly haven't exercised like we thought we would (walked about 2 1/2 miles the first day... then nothing), but it's been nice to visit. And even if I gain a teeny bit while I'm here, I won't stress it like I used to. I will get back to my schedule when I get back home and will be back on the way down again.

It IS nice that my mom has noticed the stomach has gone down. :)

Great cookbook for bariatric patients

I was looking for another bariatric book the other day on Amazon and it also ended up showing me this one:





It's called "Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery". It has over 140 high protein, low fat recipes for those who have had Lap-Band, bypass, BPD-DS, or others and includes serving guidelines for certain weeks after each type of surgery. There are some fantaastic-looking recipes inside, and it also gives counts for calories, protein, fat, carbs, cholesterol, fiber, and sodium, in case anybody keeps track of those things.

It even has some great hints on how to stock your pantry and fridge with spices and other tasty must-haves in order to make our foods taste good (i.e. not lacking).

My fill doc and his nurse were very hyped when I told them about this, especially since their office is trying to do a "recipe of the month" to give out to people. And the foods in this book (though I just got it and none have been prepared by me) sound and look like things that would come from a five-star restaurant.

It certainly proves that healthy doesn't have to taste like yuck.

Second fill, none too soon!

Omg, am I finally feeling better! I don't know what the hell happened, but I was a starvin' marvin for over a week. When I saw my fill doc today, I asked him, "What the hell did you put in my band last time, 'starving' instead of saline?" lol

So... can it be psycosomatic? I swear I felt less full as I left the office than I did when I got there. But I have been experiencing rumbling tummy and everything, and I wasn't really focused on food. I would just find myself starving two to three hours after a meal. I'd hate to think it was in my head, but I don't think it was... was it? :(

He said he gave me a more aggressive fill, that the one two weeks ago was so teeny that today he got me up where he thought I should be. Here's praying that it works for a while.

Tiny panties

'Nuff said.

I do my wash each week and fold these things that could fit on the back end of a Yugo, and I dream for the day I can wear tiny panties. Hell, maybe even a thong! And a REAL thong, not a case of these-underwear-are-two-sizes-too-small-and-are-riding-up-my-ass faux thongs.

And one day maybe even *GASP* a matching set of panties and bra.

I hope I will be this easy to please when I get to goal. *grin*

A good movie

I just got done watching Why Did I Get Married, a great movie about relationships and the hardships that come with them.

I say this because one couple, Mike and Sheila, may resonate with some of us. Mike is a cad, a player who is sleeping with Sheila's friend. Sheila is overweight and the friend -- you got it -- is not. Mike puts Sheila down, disregards her feelings, laughs at her because of her weight, and is truly cruel to somebody he's supposed to love.

Long story short, Sheila finds out from her friends that Mike is cheating with her beautiful, skinny friend. He leaves her. She is devastated, and chooses to remain in Colorado (a place all the friends had all met for a week-long vacation). She meets a gorgeous man who falls for her for who she is. Later that year all the couples/friends meet again for an honor one of them receives for the book, Why Did I Get Married, and Sheila is now married to the wonderful new guy AND has lost a lot of weight.

It's so heartwarming as she tells her girlfriends how her transition happened. She didn't change herself FOR this new guy -- it just happened. During their courtship, he told her, "If you don't like how you look, then change it." This is after she had put herself down to him and he chides her for doing so as embarassing him FOR her. She said she just got so used to her husband doing it that she began to beat him to it.

I can so relate to that because I do the same thing around my skinny, pretty coworker friend. I know it's ugly, and I know if somebody said it TO me I would be hotter'n hell. However, I allow myself to say it about myself. It's a form of self-hate, and it's wrong. I know that much of our weight journey is mental -- sometimes moreso than physical. How can I think positively about myself when I am so ready to trash myself to myself? :(

Though I am not much for New Year's resolutions because, frankly, they suck, one thing I will work hard at this year is to treat myself with respect and love. I would ask no less of those who are close to me and who love me. It's time I expect the same from myself.

Omg, FINALLY!!

Well, somehow I had gained three pounds from about December 26 through January 4. Granted, we had company and ate out virtually every day (except the days immediately preceding my first fill), but omg, I was eating SALADS! The only times I ate different than that was one day I split a burger and a salad with my daughter, and only ate about 2/3 of my half of the burger. Another time I had a turkey burger at Ruby Tuesday's, along with a large salad. Anyway, that was a surprise... three pounds! So all told, in the last week I'm really down FIVE. YAY!

So as of this morning, I am officially down from that. It took until yesterday to be back at my low weight of 263.5 following the gain, and as of this morning I was down two additional pounds. Granted, I'm still starving -- stomach rumbling and everything -- but I ignored it and kept reminding myself that tomorrow I will be getting another fill. Let's hope this one works for a while, because my first left me hungry all the time. :(

Workout tally for the week

Finally was able to begin a workout regimen this week after being sick since before Christmas. I figured it would behoove me to keep track of it somehow, so here is week 1 (Sunday through Saturday):

Sunday: 40 minutes
Wednesday: 40 minutes
Thursday: 40 minutes
Saturday: 60 minutes

Total: 3 hours

I tried this recipe tonight and wanted to share

Somebody on LBT posted this (sorry, I don't remember who) and I made it tonight. It was pretty darned good, so I wanted to share:

Crock-pot Shredded Chicken

4 chicken breasts (I used frozen)
1- 24oz can diced tomatoes, or crushed
3 tbsp apple cider vinegar
5 tbsp soy sauce
3 tbsp Splenda (or sugar if you prefer)
1 onion, chopped

In a bowl, pour in tomatoes. Add vinegar, soy sauce, and splenda and mix together well. Place the chicken breast in the bottom of the crock-pot and top it with the chopped onion. Pour the sauce mixture over the chicken and cook on low for about 7 hours. I flipped the chicken breasts once during cooking. Shred the chicken and spoon a little of the sauce on top. Enjoy!!

**My note**

It was VERY good, but I found it just a teeny bit sweet. I would recommend maybe 2 tbsp sugar (I did use real sugar as I knew hubby would balk at the aftertaste in Splenda) instead of the 3 tbsp that are listed. I also used a canned tomato that had mild chiles in it. There was absolutely no spice whatsoever, but I do think it added a nice savory taste. If you wish, you could get the tomatoes with jalapenos to give it a bit of a kick. I also believe it would be fantastic topped with a bit of parmesan.

Can't hardly wait for my second fill

Good Lord, what's going on? I've been starving for over a week. I only got my first fill on December 29, but lordy, since then the dog has been looking tasty. I know I was only filled .6, which isn't much at all, but it seems that since the fill I've been hungrier than I ever expected.

The nurse at my doctor's office said I would feel hungrier after the first fill, but my fill doc said I wouldn't. Now I believe the nurse, lol!

God I really hate stupid people

I guess I'm letting some of the newbie LBTers get my blood boiling. Stupid people are just hell bent on doing everything they did before but with a band now. Personally I couldn't care less about the dolts that want to self-destruct; what bothers me is the newbies that come in and read the even bigger dolts that tell the original dolt that what they did was "probably okay" because they did it too and ended up fine. *insert huge eye roll here*

Another poster and I had fun one day on another thread to show people the stupidity of such thoughts. She went first:

post 1 - I ate something really horrible even though my doctor said i should still be on liquids. It went down fine, I'm OK, RIGHT??

post 2 - (coming from someone who's been banded for 2-3 months) - I did it too, you'll be fine.

post 3 - (coming from someone who's been banded for 2-3 YEARS) - Dont do it, the post-op diet is for healing, not for losing weight.

original poster - )Ok, thanks post 2, I'll keep on eating my fried chicken, steak, refried beans, etc while on liquids....

post 3 again - GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

And my take:

Post 1 - I have this car. It's pretty old and worn out, but I really need to make this car last, so I got new tires which will really help my situation and allow me to get to my job so I can keep my home and pay the bills. However my overwhelming desire to drive over fields of glass shards and nails got the better of me and I did it three days after getting the new tires. Do you think they are okay?

Post 2 - Yeah, I did that once and I was fine. You'll be fine, just don't do it that often.

Post 3 - Wait, I'm no mechanic but I have owned cars for 20 years and that's just not a good thing. If you need the car to get to you job which helps keep you in your home and food on the table, you may want to reconsider doing that.

Original Poster - Okay Poster 2, thank you for sharing your experience. You came out okay, so I'm sure I will too. My tires can handle it even though the owner's manual and my mechanic said not to. That way I can enjoy my new tires AND feed my overwhelming need to drive over shards of glass and nails.

Hm, I dunno. Sounds kinda stupid when you put TIRES in the storyline... I mean, they're hundreds of dollars and you have to put the car up on those wicked lifts and stuff...

There's one guy eating a double-double burger from In-N-Out Burger, and another who was eating an entire hamburger TWO DAYS out from surgery, along with tortellini and other "small meals" right after surgery.

Good Lord, I should just stay off those threads and let the utterly stupid implode on themselves. If they want to destroy themselves, please, do it quickly. However, I get concerned for newbies who are considering lap-band OR new bandsters who all feel they can do this. ARRRGGGHH!!!

The Biggest Loser

I have gotten into TBL a few times before, but for the last number of seasons I have not followed because it usually came on while I was watching something else I was committed to. I caught the very last episode of Season 8 and saw Michelle win. Wow, did she look great!! She was beautiful all the way through, but wow was she a stunner at the end.

I'd like the show to help add to my inspiration. I don't always do well in the working-out department (I certainly didn't do it tonight like I was going to...), and I did buy some of their workout videos to help me along (um, yeah, still wrapped in the original packaging. Maybe via osmosis).

I see these people, many of whom are larger than I am, and I feel lucky, in a way, that I "only" weigh what I do. Everything is relative. Somebody out there probably wishes they weighed what I do as much as I wish I weighed the same as somebody else.

I just have to always remember, today is what it is, I can't change it, and to keep doing what I'm doing towards a better, healthier me.

Getting motivated for the new year

Well I finally broke out a workout video last night -- Richard Simmons, of course. I really like him and his enthusiasm, and his stuff is just challenging enough right now without being SO hard-core that I can't do more than 10 minutes.

I needed it to distract me from the fact that DD and grandbaby left yesterday and I was totally depressed and crying a lot. It did help me, if not to lift my spirits, then to at least make me realize I was doing something positive and worthwhile.

Got on the scale this morning and I was up TWO POUNDS. Granted, since the 26th we've eaten out nearly every day because we have had company. I wasn't making bad choices, per se, but I don't like eating out that much. Now it's over. Time to regroup and move on.

I MAY try to see if I can get my second fill next Monday. I'm set for the end of the month, but I'm still eating pretty well and have been hungrier than I had hoped I would be. If I can get in then, it'll only be two weeks since the last one, but he only put in .6 cc, so not much. If I can do it Monday, then I won't be put out too badly when I go visit my folks on Thursday. I'll still be on mushies that day but will be able to eat "normal" on Friday.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a new me in 2009!

2009

Well here it is, the new year. It doesn't really feel any different than 2008 did, except that there is one major change: My BAND!

This is my year. By this time next year I anticipate I will be in onderland; I will realize that I have mirrors in my house; I will enjoy going out to functions; I will enjoy shopping for clothes; I will not be traumatized when I get into airplane seats or amusement park rides; I will feel better about myself being naked in front of DH; and I WILL get a matching set of lingerie for the first time ever!

I made a commitment to myself that I will become best friends with my band and help her help me. I also have my tattoo -- BELIEVE -- to remind me whenever I put hand to mouth that I have committed to myself.





And this is the last time I will look like this *shudder*:





Yes, 2009 is the beginning of the end of never having my picture taken, too. Thank God for the Hawaii trip we took in October, otherwise I would have no before pics!

I get to meet the most wonderful person today

DD and grandbaby are coming here today. I haven't seen DD since right before I moved here in 2005, and I have never met grandbaby yet (6 months old).

I can hardly wait to hold that little bundle! And wow, is she gorgeous!

The last of 2008 and a new year, new me

How many New Year's resolutions have I gone into with high hopes, promises to myself, and good intent to get this weight off? More than I can count. And then I am reminded about how many times, by March, I was so over that. I'm not sure why, but New Year's resolutions rarely stick.

Well, this year is so different, and by December 31 of 2009, I will be looking back with pride and excitement because of my band. Granted, I will have to do the work too, but I know with my band I will not fail this time. Fifteen years of broken resolutions and feeling horrible about myself, hating how weak I was, not being able to look at myself in the mirror, clothes that were only for covering the body rather than for the enjoyment of the outfit, shortness of breath over the smallest movements, inability to do something as simple as tying my shoes, being self-conscious during sex, feeling invisible... it goes on and on.

This year, 2009, is my year. It's my year of taking my life back from the fat, from the lack of control, from this prison. I am so excited I can't even express how I feel. I see how so many other banders have done and I know I will join those ranks this year -- and I want to cry from the sheer enjoyment of that knowledge.

I'll look FINE in 2009. :)

My hot and cold affair with Richard

Okay, why is this?? I know me, and I know how this will all play out.

I'll start by saying that my exercise has been minimal at best since I got my surgery. Okay, let's be real: I've walked my neighborhood maybe three times, and two of those times was within days after surgery to keep from getting blood clots.

Okay, so I go looking for all my exercise tapes. Last weekend I spent four hours in the basement doing some more unpacking and straightening and looking for stuff. We've lived here three years and I have not yet come across my box of videotapes, many of which consisted of ALL my workout tapes. Gone. Nada. They obviously didn't make it here because I have now officially gone through every. single. box.

Okay, so I started out by buying my Richard Simmons videos in dvd. They've been coming since after Christmas. And of course I've been sick since the day before Christmas. I'm looking at these and wanting to get to work. When I'm sick or otherwise laid up, I really REALLY want to get to work. Know when I get over it? About five minutes after I CAN do it. Then it's like, "Eh, maybe tomorrow." And the next thing you know it is five years and 50 pounds later. Ugh.

New Years resolutions are totally overrated, but for me, this is really an opportunity for a new chance. It just works out that by the time I get over the cruds, I will be six weeks post-op, at least 25 pounds down, and really no reason NOT to start becoming partners with my band rather than making her do all the work for me. And the nice thing is, if I need some ass whoopin', all I need to do is tell my fellow Lap-Bander's that I'm slacking and they will shame me and pummel me into submission. We are Borg. Resistance is futile. :D

I made a mini-goal today by being 25 pounds down. Now it's time to look at loftier goals for the future and reach for the stars. My goal is to be in next winter's Victoria's Secret panty fest on television. I want really big wings.

Made a mini goal today!

Okay, I haven't really set any goals or minis yet, but I will make them as they happen and at my heart's desire. Just because I can. :)

I am down two more pounds since yesterday for a total of 25 since I started my pre-op on 11/14. Six weeks and 25 pounds. WOW! I'll take it -- even though some newbie lap-banders have lost like 150 in the same amount of time. Go figger. lol

If I thought I could survive or not kill somebody, I would stay on liquids forever. Hehehe!

Paul-isms

Paul Marino is my beloved fill doctor. I hardly know him, but he is already beloved. Anybody who loves his job and cares for his patients the way he does becomes beloved way quick.

So I figured as I get to know him and hear some of his -isms, I'd put them on here to remember and share.

Paul-isms:

"If you have a problem with your band, I want you to call me no matter when it is. I would rather have 10 phone calls where I didn't need to do anything than miss one phone call where it was important. However, if you drop a hammer on your toe, do not call me -- unless, of course, you think your band had something to do with it. Then I will help you with your band, but I will not fix your toe."

*after putting on my gown and hair net thingy, he looks at me all serious-like and deadpan* "Before we get started, we have something that is of utmost importance that we need to get clear. You must remove that funny hat before you go out in public."

*I lay on bed and he inserts needle into port (during fluro)*
"C'mon, get up. What do you think, you're on vacation?"

*as we walk towards imaging maching, looking like a slapstick comedy show*
"Now this isn't something you see everyday -- somebody walking around with a needle sticking out of their stomach."

Okay, those are a few. I'll ad as he makes me giggle.

First fill

Dear diary, it's me again... wow. :)

Went and got my first fill. I already love my fill doc. You just want to bundle him up and bring him home. GREAT sense of humor, very warm (hug when I got there), and makes you feel at ease. Everything seems to have gone well. Got a .6 fill, but he says those numbers mean "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING." Emphasis his, of course. Yeah, yeah, I'm just curious anyway. Nyeah. :)

Have another visit scheduled for a month from now but was told if I feel I need a fill.... I said, "You mean if the dog starts looking good and not in that 'awww, isn't Fluffy cute' sort of way?" Yeah, that's pretty much a dead giveaway that it'll be time for a fill.

So I guess stats will be good: Beginning weight - 289; surgery day after 1 week liquid diet - 279; first fill - 266. Paul says any weight lost until now was a bonus, but NOW let the weight loss begin! He demands all the credit for that (which I will gladly give) but won't take any for weight gain (which I will gladly -- er, I will take). Excitement.com!

How to use the word "shit" 832 times in one paragraph

Okay, this is a post just to bitch because now I'm crabby and cranky due to getting NO sleep last night at all:

I'm tired of feeling like shit. Because my sinuses are all screwed up, my face, teeth, and yes, even tongue hurt like shit. I haven't slept worth shit for three days. And I'm tired of this shit (drainage) choking me when I DO try to lay down and sleep. All during this time, all I have been doing is blowing shit out my nose -- when shit is not running out of my eyes, that is, due to my nose being overly blocked. I went out to dinner tonight looking like shit -- nose, mouth, and half my cheeks red and raw and peeling from all the blowing (why is it tissue feels SO soft until you have to blow your nose like three times, and then it turns to evil sandpaper??), and even what I was wearing looked like shit because everything casual I had to wear that is even remotely winter-ish is in the wash (ask CC, she saw me, poor thing!). So I got caught wearing -- get this -- grey spandex body-hugging pants (if you can call them that). In public. To a restaurant no less. Where poor, unsuspecting souls were trying to eat. While 266 pounds (me, not them). With lard-ass. No, not hubby, MY lard ass. I think jusme saw me and wrote in her blog about it (lol). The only things missing were the stirrup thingies to make them look like ridiculous shit. From the 80's. I may as well have worn a nasty belly shirt with the invisible spaghetti straps and a humongous mooseknuckle to really finish off this visible feast (see below for explanation, but I warn ya, swallow now). No doubt I would have had to gouge my own eyeballs out with a spork and be done with it. The world would thank me. My first standing O.

Okay, I don't feel better, but I said "shit" a lot. I'd apologize, but I feel too shitty to care.


Yes, just because I'm just that crabby about now. Admit it, you laughed.

My husband has another woman

I'm at a total loss. DH has an old childhood friend here from back home. They chatter incessantly about the past, about what they did, what trouble they got into, what trouble they kept out of, what so-and-so is doing these days, and... FOOD.

I have watched and listened as my husband describes, for example, Sweetwater Tavern's bread pudding in seductive, delicious detail: the crisp on all sides of the mini bundt-style breading; the cream and butter that most certainly is used to keep the moist bread together; the perfect way it's heated through so that every bite gives you just a bit of crunch AND sweet stickiness; the bourbon sauce that is so delicately poured over and around this delight; and how the buttery ice cream on top perfectly blends with all the other flavors and textures of this treasure and gives him a sensory overload like (I feel) I have never done for him.

My husband has another woman, and that woman is food. I have seen him describe food dishes the way other men describe the curve of a woman's breast, the swell of her hips, the pulse at her throat, the flash of desire in her eyes. As I draw away from food as a living, breathing organism that is there for the pure enjoyment of it and not as a life-sustaining entity, he is still dancing the dance of love with the bread puddings in life.

What about me? As I listened to him describe this dish to his friend today, I almost blurted out that I doubt he gets as big a rush from making love to me as he does by his oral fixation from food. I swear, I almost did, and I swear, I truly believe this to be the case. It hit me like a ton of bricks right then and there, and I felt jealousy! And had it not been for the fact that it would have been more embarassing to ME than to him to admit that he appears to be more seduced and aroused by food than he ever has been of me, I probably would have said something.

So here I am at 4:00 am, trying to sleep on the couch because Mr. Romantic is snoring his ass off in bed so badly that even my ear plugs won't blot him out, and in the quiet of my living room this all just hit me. So... how does one approach their husband about the other woman and tell him how she feels about this affair when the other woman is food?

I am beginning to feel as if I am not the love of my husband's life. :(

Awesome news!!

My new bandster friend who happens to be my neighbor (Colorado Chick) has a daughter whose situation was up in the air. First she was to be banded yesterday (the 26th), then she got a call five days into her liquid diet that all her bloodwork results hadn't come in and they wouldn't have them until the 5th of January. Then she heard her insurance may not cover this procedure starting in 2009. Needless to say she was a wreck.

She is just THE sweetest thing ever, and my heart broke for her. Well, good news is her mom wrote yesterday that somehow it all got rectified and she DID have her surgery yesterday after all! Welcome to bandster land!! I'm so happy for her!

Losing through the holidays

Originally I had gained a pound last week with all the festivities and parties and stuff. Do-able. Didn't make me freak. Since last week -- well, actually within the last couple days -- I've lost three pounds. And considering that I've been a veritable snot machine since Wednesday, I am now beginning to believe I have blown three pounds of snot. I'll take it. Three pounds is three pounds, right? ;)

I don't know why, but I have to share this

It's not weight related at all, but I wanted to share. I believe I was touched by an angel the other day.

I went to my local hair salon to get my much-needed haircut on the 24th. I have a specific lady I use, so I was waiting for her to free up to do my hair. As I was waiting, a lady (who I feel I've seen before, strangely enough) entered with a young boy and an older young man (maybe 18-20 years old). I figured the younger one was her son, but wasn't so sure about the older young man because she either wasn't old enough to be his mom, or she looked dang good.

Anyway, after a few minutes I could tell the older boy had some sort of impairment -- not super noticeable, but he sounded younger than his age. The younger boy also seemed to be impaired as well because he didn't really interact with people... but he had THE most gorgeous wide-set, HUGE light brown eyes brimmed by these dark, lush lashes! I was mesmerized. A couple times he would seem to look at me, but I could tell he wasn't really taking me in. I waved and said hi. His mom said he can't talk, and I immediately thought maybe it was autism.

Anyway, she was waiting in line to leave his name for a haircut, and in the meantime he (I found out his name was Conner) came over to the chair next to mine and knelt into it to look out the window we were in front of. I talked to him a bit, saying I like to people-watch too, it's really interesting, isn't it? Stuff like that. His mom said it's the wheels of the vehicles going by that gets his attention. After a minute or so, he's just gazing out the window and takes the back of his knuckles and gently rubs my cheek. I just leaned into his stroke and enjoyed him enjoying me. Then he looked right at me and gently grabbed my chin and looked deep into my eyes. It was so sweet, I can't even explain to you.

His mom didn't see this but asked if he was bothering me. I said absolutely not, and then proceeded to tell her how he had stroked my face. she seemed genuinely surprised and said, "Wow, he doesn't do that to just anybody! You must be an angel!" Wow!

Later, after his hair was done and I was in the seat getting mine cut, I asked if Conner could come over to show me is new cut. I told him how handsome he was and wished him a Merry Christmas. I also asked if he had autism or Asberger's (sadly I don't know the difference but know they can be very similarly related), and she said Conner has autism, while the older boy has Asberger's. I truly wanted to understand, and I told her that God gives special children to special people.

The mother was just overwhelmed, and I didn't understand. She said, "You just don't know how people can be. Most people don't accept him." I was floored. How could anybody treat somebody like him like anything less than an angel? But sadly I guess it does happen. She hugged me and said thank you, your kind words mean so much. Not as much as her son's stroke on my face. I was touched by an angel.

Christmas Day

Another Christmas is here and gone, but I am having mine while being sick. What I thought was only a cold I now believe may be a bit more due to all the achiness. And HOW does the human body make SO MUCH snot? Omg... And when I sleep and it can't find its way out of my consistently blocked right nostril, my sinuses are overrunning via my right eye. I napped from 3:30 until 7:00 this evening.

However, because my Thanksgiving dinner consisted of chicken brother and other liquids, I was determined to have our Christmas dinner: a little ham, sweet potato, and green beans with garlic. I even bought a quarter of a cheesecake (cut into three slices) and haven't had any yet, even though had I paid one dollar more, I could have had an entire cheesecake. Grrr... what price gouging. But I didn't WANT a whole cheesecake in the house, so I guess it's worth it.

So here I sit, aching and blowing, and blowing and aching, with a cough and sneeze thrown in periodically for good measure. Bah, humbug. But I DID get the motorcycle helmet I've been wanting! Yay!

Feeling like crap

Well, obviously the sickness that has been going around the office found me. Today. The day before Christmas. And I feel like crap. Was okay enough earlier to eat a bit (was out doing last-minute Christmas stuff and got meat lasagna), but now I feel achey and, well, like crap.

I have a feeling that dinner is going to consist of a few hot toddies. :)

Anybody else deal with "eating buddies"?

Omg, I'ma gonna hurt somebody soon, I swear. And likely it'll be DH.

I consider him an "eating buddy" -- somebody whose relationship with me was based very much in food. He's one of the fortunate ones who can eat and not get fat like I did, though he was fat as a child until he went to college.

We also know a couple who are "eating buddies" as well. We went to Hawaii with them back in October, and until last week (the very FIRST day I could eat real food after my surgery) we hadn't seen them since my last day of eating before surgery. So that means for an entire month, we hadn't seen them at all and heard from them only a couple times.

Okay, granted, things are busy right now with the holidays. I get that. But get this: Last Tuesday, my first day of regular eating after mushies, the wife calls me after work and the first words out of her mouth were, "Can you eat?? Can you eat??" They wanted to hook up and go out to eat. I said, "Wow, what did you do, put it in your calendar or something??" I also said, "So, what, we can't hook up and spend time together unless I can eat? Is that what you're telling me??"

Of course she said no, but except for riding motorcycles (which is how I met her husband, via a motorcycle site we both belong to as we both own the same cycle), the only other real connection we have all had is food. They are about the only people hubby and I hang with, so that means that I have THREE individuals who are foodies and "eating buddies" that I have to contend with. *sigh*

The other day hubby said something about having a CiCi's Pizza coupon for $5. For those who don't have a CiCi's near them, it's an all-you-can-eat pizza joint. I told him that my all-you-can-eat days are over. He proceeded to argue with me: "Yeah, but it's only $5. You don't have to eat tons, just eat what you want for $5." It's like he really doesn't get it... Don't get me wrong, he IS supportive, but there comes a time... a time where I guess he starts feeling denied and then wants to eat out here on this day and then that place on another day, and before you know it, we're eating out three to four times a week again. Every diet has gone this way. I'm able to stave off the suggestions for a while, but then...

Omg, I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. My mom suggested that I have just GOT to surround myself with more people like me: Bandsters, or even OA people... get support from people like me. I often think that I could do this so much easier without him around to help me screw it all up, but it's not a good reason to divorce.

Is it? :)

Still eating too fast

I need to get this in check soon since I will be filled by the end of the month. I never was one of those who was the first one finished, but I still eat too fast, especially for the band.

Our bosses took us out to a fantastic luncheon for Christmas today. We went to the same place last year, and I got the trout parmesan like I did last year as it was tasty. It was a large fillet, fresh green beans, and roasted red potatoes. Ate all the fish (protein first, good...), about 1/4 of the beans (veggies second, good), and about three small wedges of potato (starches last, good...). But because we were all making merry and chatting, a few times I caught myself not really chewing and eating it way too fast. :( Oh, and I ate a few slices of sourdough bread. Unfortunately I was really hungry when we got there.

It was also a bit more than I usually have eaten in the last month or so, but I also forgot to drink my shake this morning (boo) so no breakfast. That hasn't happened to me until today, so I'm not too worried in the overall picture. But the eating too fast... not good. I have got to get a handle on that. CONSCIOUS eating is the new way.

REAL food!

Second post-op visit today, and as of now, I can have real food! And here I sit, not knowing what the hell I want to have. lol

Doing well, have lost three more pounds since I saw them two weeks ago, and I will have my first fill on 12/29. WOOT!

I've been eating crab cakes for two weeks now that I about have them coming out of my ears. However, friends just called and want to go out to eat, so it will be a small Chinese dinner for me tonight.

This is utterly amazing to me

Partied both Thursday and Friday, including drinks (the first I've had since surgery), though not nearly as many as I would typically do. I've been known to drink like a fish when I drink (which isn't often), but I always figured it was the body mass thing and the ability to absorb so much. But like eating to excess, when I would go out and party, which is rare, I would also drink to excess.

So even though I enjoyed myself and had drinks and some snacks and even felt a tad bit out of control on Friday after the bad (good?) news, I am down two more pounds as of this morning. Gawd, that feels good. Even though I enjoyed myself, I was still conscious, which hasn't happened in a very long time. Woot woot for me! :)

I also feel a bit sad, though. We have a couple we went to Hawaii with in October, people who have been our friends for a couple years. I always told my mom that I was surrounded by foodies -- hubby, and this couple. Everything for them concerns food. This couple were only told that I had a hiatal hernia done and that I was on different phases of food for the following month.

Sadly, we haven't seen them during this whole time. I think the last time we were together was the 13th of November, the very last food day I had before starting liquids. Since then, exactly one month ago now, I am officially down 21 pounds. Wonder how this will all go.

Luckily in the summertime we spend more time together (when I'm not schooling) because we ride motorcycles. His wife doesn't, but hubby and I each ride, so there's something else to do besides food... even though it usually ends up somewhere WITH food... *sigh*

Feeling blaaah

Well, I didn't get the job. Yeah, it sucks. However, it is also a blessing in disguise. I know God doesn't always give us what we want, but He does give us what we need. The bosses can be such you-know-whats, it was best that I didn't get the position. I just hate that favoritism and brown-nosing are the way it all works these days. If I felt it was ALL due to this other person being the best choice, I'd be a bit more okay with it -- rather than knowing it's 90 percent about the fact that the one boss looks on her as some long-lost child of hers. Blaaah.

Anyway, I wasn't happy yesterday. I finally mustered up enough oomph to congratulate her and lick my wounds. However, there was a State Bar party that we forgot about and were only reminded about 20 minutes before we got off work. Even though I felt blaaah, I didn't mind the thought of drinking and making quasi-merry.

Went to the party and had a few screwdrivers (hey, may as well have some vitamin C with my alcohol, right?) and some appetisers -- bacon-wrapped scallops, small crab cakes, and a spinach dip with crisp breads. Even though I knew I should not really indulge, I did. I've been eating crab cakes for nearly two weeks anyway since I went to mushies, and I had two of the scallops and a small dollop of the spinach. That ended up being dinner, so that wasn't so bad. It was enough to satiate.

However, I DID realize that I was doing a bit of emotional eating after I was told that my co-worker got the job. I had four chocolate "turtles," a medium plate of the torte my friend made (explained in my previous entry), and one small, wafer-thin cookie. I have to say, even though I know what I was doing, and realized it even as I scooped the torte onto my plate, I didn't care. However, compared to the damage I would usually do, I was still proud of myself. Before the band, I would have gorged myself -- and I could have. No real restriction, and tons of leftovers from the party on Thursday. So all in all, if this is the worst I've done, I'm pretty damn proud regardless. This too shall pass. And I wait for the day that the bosses realize they made a HUGE mistake. *evil snicker*

My first real test

Had my boss's retirement party today. LOTS of goodies, LOTS of sweets, and LOTS of food (everybody brought something, and we hosted for others in the building). Desserts, sandwiches, cake, cookies, and sodas.

I had had lunch (a cup of soup) and figured I'd have a little something from the goodie table. Considering how I usually do, I can't believe how well I did!! I brought some creme puffs from Costco (each about the size of a ping-pong ball) and had four of those, and the only other thing I had was a "torte" that a coworker made which is light and fantastic -- crumbled chocolate cake (no icing) mixed with Cool Whip, chocolate pudding, and topped with crushed Skor bars. I had two small helpings of that.

That's IT... oh, and a bottle of water. And I felt kinda full! I absolutely couldn't believe it! I don't know if my stomach has shrunk or if this is still mostly willpower, but before today I would have had plate after plate of stuff. I chose the two things I would have wanted the most and had some. And I didn't feel guilty. That was the best part of it! I had just a little, and I felt good -- rather than having none and feeling bad or having way too much and feeling worse.

I consider today a real victory.

I can't believe how different it is already

I went to lunch with a coworker today to kind of clear my head over the impending interview later this afternoon, and we went to my very favorite place across the street from work. It's this neat little restaurant with fabulous food, a tad bit pricier than say Chinese or sandwiches (lunch would usually run me about $20 with tip). The one thing I really love of theirs is their soup, but before, I would order a cup of soup, then order a lunch entree -- and usually eat it all to the point of being anywhere between full and stuffed.

Today I ordered a bowl of their crab bisque (which, for this particular bisque, the "bowl" is really just slightly bigger than a cup) and, because I'm still on mushies, a side of mashed potatoes. The soup came with a biscotti-sized slice of toasted sourdough-type bread (which I ate, even though it's not a mushy, but it just looked too good NOT to eat), and get this: I was FULL when I was done!! Not uncomfortable-full, but enough that I realized I was full. So far I've only really been eating until satiated, so I recognized the feeling as slightly full.

What a huge difference! I don't even have restriction yet, but I can't believe that that's all it took!! If it's this great already, wait until I get restriction!

On a better note

I almost forgot about this, but I didn't really want to add it to the Grrr. :)

I finally told my mom yesterday about my band. I hadn't told any family beyond DH (of course), and though I wanted to tell her, I just didn't. DH thought maybe I shouldn't, that it might cause some issues, but she has been asking me how I've been doing and I've been talking about the foods I've been eating and the weight I've been losing... and then last night she just sounded so worried and asked if there was something wrong with me that I was keeping from her.

I finally felt that maybe I should tell her -- with the express command that she not tell my siblings or her neighbors or family friends (one of her neighbors is an overweight nurse -- the WORST kind of person to tell!). I don't really care if she tells my dad, but I just didn't want everybody else to know. Maybe I'll tell people one day, but right now I just don't feel good about letting people in on that.

Anyway, she was so happy she actually choked up and almost cried. She said she had been so worried for my health and was very happy that I did this for myself. I never thought she would be against it as she had mentioned it a time or two -- and by "it" I mean simply surgery. But until a couple months ago, I really didn't know about LapBand. All I knew about was gastric bypass which was a HUGE no-no for me, so I just pushed aside any talk of surgery.

Anyway, that's one less person. It's getting hard answering some of the questions about why, with a hiatal hernia operation, I have to eat the way I have. My boss at work has been especially nosey, asking questions (of course now SHE thinks she has a hernia) and accusing me of having had something else done. *rolls eyes*

Grrrrrr......

Okay, wow, it's been a whole week since my last post?? How time flies when you're enjoying mushies. I've eaten so many crab cakes I'm afraid I'm going to turn into one, but yum, dinners have been really good.

I realize more and more that I'm really having to be conscious because I could eat more than I am -- I'm just choosing not to. It took nearly two weeks of the scale not moving an OUNCE, but the other day it finally dropped two pounds. Okay, I know I'm in the "healing stage" and shouldn't be concerned about it, but dang it, I've been eating meals off of a saucer -- with actual plate showing -- and nothing? It was getting dang depressing.

So... on to my grrrrr. This isn't weight related, but I think I need to write it out because I'm stressed and upset and upset that I'm upset, and at the same time wondering why I'm upset. Long story short, I'm applying for my boss's position tomorrow (she's retiring by the end of the month). I've been going to school and getting myself prepared for this for over a year-and-a-half, but, you guessed it, there is a golden child in the office that the bigger boss has been prepping and preening and fawning over forever. And if you guessed she wants golden child to get the job, you'd be more than right.

I got a certificate course completed last year in this field -- paid for it myself, even though the state would reimburse me. That's how serious I was about this. I get the certificate, big boss finds out, and was upset with me -- so obvious was it that I went to her and confronted her about her behavior. I took the initiative, did what the golden child could have done (and for free, no doubt, as I essentially paid her way), but she didn't. And I'm treated like a leper.

So that's why I'm upset... I really want the job, but then I wonder WHY I want to work for this woman!! She's a bitch to everybody but the golden child anyway. She can be very disrespectful, catty, and ugly, usually more behind people's backs than to their faces. So I guess that makes her two-faced too. So here is this job I would really love, but it would be working for a woman I don't respect at all. And I know she would make me as miserable as she has tried to make the woman who is on her way out.

This really has me totally confused. The green-eyed monster in me rears up in my head from time to time and says the golden child will get it because of who she knows, not that she'd be the best pick for the job. I'm not saying that I would be fantastic and she wouldn't, but even the hiring panel is totally skewed to virtually assure that she will get it. I know life is not fair, but it's really unfair. I just have to realize that God is probably saving me from certain suicide by spork and that something better will come along. Besides, it gives me time to finish getting my degree so that I will be very ready for the next opportunity.

So long as I remember all this when I'm crying in my crab cakes.

YAAAY!!!

Omg, went to my first post-op appointment today, and they let me do mushies early! Wasn't supposed to start until Friday, but the nurse said I could start today because I was healing so well.

I thought I died and went to heaven. I was already heading to Costco anyway, but now I was going with a true mission. Potato flakes? Check. Tziki? Check. Chili without beans? Check. Hummus? Check. CRAB CAKES?? CHECK! YUM!!

So for dinner tonight I had (okay, I know it sounds weird, but you do what you can on mushies) one crab cake, tziki (which I added with the crab cake, which was fantastic), and hummus. What is so funny is I started to plan for two cakes because, in the past, I would have at LEAST had two. As I was reaching for the second one, my brain said, "Wait, I won't be able to eat all that." WOW, lightbulb moment! It felt really good to not think about how much I could eat as in volume, but for once thinking about how much I could eat as in what was the max.

But boy, that was the best damn crab cake... I told friends it could have been a mud pie, and I would have said the same thing. Just the fact that I could somewhat eat something was FANTASTIC!

I went to my first group today

My doctor has a once-monthly group for bandsters, and I went to the first one tonight. It was a pretty full house, with over a dozen people there. It was nice to meet fellow bandsters and hear how everybody has done with their bands so far.

I don't know if it was a normal meeting, as it started out with a couple questions (with doctors present) and then kinda turned into small clusters of people talking amongst themselves. It wasn't a bad experience for a first meeting, but hubby (who went with me) wondered if it's always like that, and how can you really find anything out that way.

I dunno, I thought it was nice. The more I go, the more I'll figure out how everything goes. And the more questions I'll have to ask. The fact that I'm just now in the liquid phase (until Friday, THANK GOD), I don't even know what I don't know to ask. lol

Anyway, that was my big venture for the day. I still say I would probably benefit from an OA-type group as well, so I will be looking for one.