It isn't January 1 by chance, is it?

I promised myself at the end of the year that come January 1 I was going to start exercising again. I went from working out five to six days a week to zero. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Nyet. Nein. Okay, you get the idea.

Well, I dragged myself kicking and screaming to go work out. Yep, all the way into the basement. I had thought about it for hours, and as it was, I didn't make it down there until 6:45. That's PM. As in evening. Nighttime. Late. Again, you get the idea.

But I did it. I did my old standby, my Goddess kettlebell kick-ass-and-take-names video. Okay, not really -- Jillian could take these wenches. But it was still a good workout. Not quite so wimpy a re-entry into exercise that I feel like I cheated, not quite so hard (*cough*Jillian*cough) that I said, "Well, I'll never do THAT again, thankyouverymuch!"

Now I need to stick with it and make my eating-and-exercise program legit. I mean, without the exercise you just have -- well, eating. It's like Laurel without Hardy, George without Gracie, Penn without Teller, Will without Grace, peas without carr-- oops, that's back to eating again. o_O

NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!!

NOOO, I do NOT want to go out to dinner with you tonight!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!

I told foodie wife last night that I couldn't keep doing the going out thing anymore. SHE seems to have heard, "Sorry, I can't do dinner with you tonight, but why don't you call me tomorrow night about dinner out please, please, pretty please." O,O

Holy crap, are we speakin' the same language??

Foodie friends are starting again...

They know I'm "dieting" (as in trying to get myself completely under control -- and I've been succeeding). Well, DH is out of town this week for work, and they called tonight to see if I wanted to go out to eat. After we got eight inches of snow yesterday. Uh, not no, but HELL NO. I used the snow as the reason I didn't want to see them, but I told the wife I've been eating well and doing it at home and that I need to continue doing so. It's time AGAIN for that talk. I canNOT believe I have to do this again.

If this doesn't quit, and I mean QUIT, it might be time for a friend-ectomy. They are beyond getting on my last nerve these days. What is it about some people who are either too thick or too self-centered to "get it." If all I'm good for is being an eating buddy, then I'd rather forgo the friendship. This is really making me angry now.

Two more pounds gone!

That makes five pounds just since Friday! I keep saying to myself that NO FOOD tastes as good as this empowerment feels! :)

I've been sticking really stringently to my eating plan, but I feel like I've been eating a lot. Granted, it's modified for my band (for instance, "liberal amounts" of protein and veggies is no more than 2 or 2 1/2 ounces of meat and 1/2 cup of veggies), but I also realize that one of the things that probably affects me as far as plateaus is not getting ENOUGH food.

There are some who feel if you simply eat X number of calories and expend X+ calories (eat less than you expend), that you will just lose. Period. However, I think all those diet books out there that claim if you eat less than 1,000 calories, it shuts down your metabolism, are right -- at least for me.

I knew a LBTer who swore that she ate 800 calories all the time and lost consistently. Even IF that was true, I don't think it is true for all people.

I'm certainly not counting calories, so I have no idea what I'm getting. But I AM drinking my water and green tea, and I am eating three meals plus one snack (typically Kefir, so it's not really a meal).

I guess we'll see where this goes. :)

Oh, and take that, Mom. Nyeah.

Is it possible to divorce family? :(

Between my mom's comments last week and today, I think it might just be time. {sigh}

My sister is going through a divorce. He asked her for one just before Thanksgiving. She immediately started dating a guy she's known in her circle for a while who has "loved her from afar." They seem rather inseparable since they began, and they are on vacation as I write this.

She posted a really nice photo of the two of them on her Facebook page. One of her FB friends mentioned that she and her husband look really nice together. This created a flurry of comments that it's not the hubby, and my sister this morning wrote that he was her boy toy. I simply wrote:

"I thought boy toys were younger. MUCH younger. o_O"

Which is true. It wasn't a dig at him; it's just that boy toys are usually in their early 20s or so -- hence the "toy" part. He is NOT 20.

She wrote back:

"[He] said he's glad he got the 'thin' sister!!!! LOLOL"

Holy hell, wtf IS this??

Now mind you, she has her own rather major issues; so to point at my fatness is really rather low since I have not said anything remotely close to her about her vices, much less on a public message board such as Facebook.

Sometimes I just want to run away -- and I don't even live close to anybody. I felt that was a really low blow. And she must not feel too bad about what she wrote as it's still there.

Shelving tools

I was thinking about this when I went to bed last night (it's weird how and where I think up stuff), and I look back at all the different tools I've had over the years to try to help get my weight under control. Books, diet pills, exercise equipment, and now the band. More often than not, those tools have been shelved after having been utilized for a while. I have books that have been unread (or read and not followed after a while); I have thrown away HUNDREDS of dollars' worth of supplements over the years; my workout equipment probably has an inch of dust all over it; and my band has been bypassed with sliders and unhealthy choices and my pouch, at times, stretched to where it can take in a normal-sized meal.

Why do I do this? Why do WE do this? I'm sure I'm not the only one. When I got the band over two years ago, I said, "This is IT. THIS time I'm serious." And how did THAT work?

I guess all this is to say that we can have all the tools in the world; but if we shelve them, those tools are as useless as WE ALLOW them to be. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being carried along unwillingly towards failure when the reality is that I willingly create it by the choices I make.

This week I have begun dusting off my tools, oiling them up, honing their edges, and preparing them for work.

Another loss!!

Yesterday was the first day I had done the 17-Day Diet (modified quantity-wise for my band, of course), and I'm down 1 1/2 pounds this morning! With the 1 1/2 I lost the day before and the pound I lost when visiting my parents, that's four in about a week, three of those in two days. I realize right now we're talking mostly water weight as I'm flooding my system with the proper amounts, bit frankly, any loss realized is a real boost!

New year, new attitude

I guess that's why I'm doing this "diet" thing -- the fact is, I can't control what happens to others, and I can't even control what happens to me in many cases.  The one thing I CAN control is making myself healthier by making good choices.  I know how I feel when I'm eating well and exercising, and NO food in the world even comes close -- yet I have chosen time and again to eat junk and NOW I've gained 32 pounds from my lowest band weight.  I'm done with this shit.  Nobody can do this FOR me, and little by little I'm breaking away from the people in my life that are bad influences.

Foodie wife wanted to hook up last night and I said no.  I like them, but they annoy me.  I need to back up a bit because a lot has happened since I was posting regularly. {insert way-back tinkling sound here}

'Memba foodie husband who burned the crap out of the bottoms of his feet when we went on vacation over two years ago?  Well, the one foot was not healing -- it would get so far, and then he'd start acting stupid and it would stop healing or start getting bigger.  The doctor would tell him to stay OFF his feet, and the first thing he would do is go to some bike show or something where he was walking all over the place for hours.  I swear, sometimes I don't know how the man puts his pants on every day without a pit crew to help him.  o_O  I truly have a hard time dealing with intentionally stupid people.

Well, he has been in and out of a "boot" to keep him off the affected spot, and he even missed out on his dream vacation in September to Alaska (2 weeks, cruise and land) because his foot started flaring up literally days before they were to leave.  You would have thought that would have changed his ways.  Oh, he was MAD, but since that time he has probably put on about 60 pounds.  I kid you not, he's HUGE!  He still takes his insulin, but I guess he thinks that means that he can eat whatever he wants (he eats a bowl of ice cream before bed EVERY night -- "to maintain his blood sugar through the night"), and when he eats for his insulin, he EATS.  We're not talking a small, healthy snack here, we're talking a fast-food take-out full meal.

So here recently he broke his big toe and didn't even realize it.  Yep, snapped it like a twig.  It had probably been a couple days until somehow he noticed the throbbing.  This is another sign of diabetes; but come to find out, he ALSO has neuropathy.  That coupled with the diabetes can be very VERY dangerous if he's not careful.  Which he's not.  So you see, food has completely taken over his life because NOW he seems to be able to justify eating so often -- even though the choices are horrible.  He WILL kill himself, after he loses his feet and/or legs.

Foodie husband has me really more upset than I should be because he's not even related to me; but the fact that he's given himself diabetes to the point where he now needs insulin and he still eats like a freaking pig and does shit he shouldn't just angers me.  Why is that?  THAT really confuses me.  Maybe it's because I know, by looking at him, that EVERYTHING related to him will revolve around food, going out, etc.  Hubby went to a gun show with him while I was at the folks', and immediately afterward it was, "Wanna go get something to eat?"  And I'm tired of being the turd in the punch bowl every time the four of us get together and they want to go eat and I say no.  They don't seem to get it, and I end up pissed off to hell and back.  I need FRIENDS, not eating buddies. But they don't even give a shit about themselves -- I can never expect them to give a shit about me.

I've come to the conclusion that the SECOND this starts up again, I WILL tell them that they have two choices -- they can have me as a friend who will NOT participate in eating out, or they can move along.  These people are truly toxic to me, and I'm tired of this fight.

My first loss in a while

Granted, I got really bad about weighing myself because I couldn't face the reality that I was gaining, but this morning the scale budged for the first time since I reacquainted myself with it nearly three weeks ago.  I hadn't even started the 17-Day Diet yet, but I lost 1 1/2 pounds!  I am certain the biggest reason for this is resuming water consumption, but I'll take it!

I began the program this morning.  Breakfast was two scrambled eggs (no oil or butter), half an orange, and green tea.  Lunch will be salmon, probably a salad, and the other orange half.  Typically the fruit is listed under breakfast and snack, but since I'm such a late riser (due to late nights, which MUST change so I'm not eating breakfast at 11:00am!), I'll have the orange with lunch today.

Anyway, let's see what happens during this 2 1/2 weeks!

Yeah, I went there

Okay, don't judge me.  :)  I broke down and bought this book to help me through some of my eating issues.  As some of us know, the band only does so much -- we STILL need to eat well-balanced, good meals.  I'm not always good about doing that.  Okay, scratch that -- I SUCK at it.  Beyond that, last year I went through a plateau from hell where I plateaued for six months while I ate everything right and worked out five to six days a week.  I figured this could help get my attention on eating well.  This is what the first part of the plan looks like:

The first cycle is "Accelerate," which allows for

lean proteins like salmon, sole, founder, catfish, tilapia, canned light tuna in water; poultry like chicken and turkey breasts, ground lean turkey, eggs, and egg whites;

"cleansing vegetables" like artichokes, asparagus, bell peppers (all colors), broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, cucumbers, eggplant, garlic, green beans, green leafy veggies, kale, leeks, lettuce of all varieties, mushrooms, okra, onions, parsley, scallions, spinach, tomatoes, and watercress;

low-sugar fruit (2 servings daily) like apples, berries (all types) grapefruit, oranges, peaches, pears, plums, prickly pear cactus, prunes, and red grapes; [these servings must be eaten before 2:00 each day so that the body can burn them properly and not turn them into forced fat]

probiotic foods (2 servings daily) like yogurt (any type, including Greek-stle, sugar-free fruit flavored, plain and low-fat), kefir (a drinking "yogurt"), low-fat acidophilus milk, yakult (I have no idea what this is), Breakstone LiveActive cottage cheese, reduced salt miso dissolved in low-fat and low-sodium broth, tempeh, sauerkraut, and kimchi;

and friendly fats (1 to 2 tablespoons daily) such as olive oil or flaxseed oil.

Additionally there are condiments (in moderation) like herbs and spices, Truvia, lite soy, marinara, sugar-free jams and jellies, cooking spray, fat-free cheeses, fat-free salad dressing, salt, pepper, vinegar, mustard, low-carb ketchup, fat-free sour cream, low-fat -sodium broth

A day would look like this:

Breakfast: 2 eggs or 4 egg whites, prepared without oil; or 1 serving probiotic food such as yogurt; 1 fruit serving; 1 cup green tea (he has green tea at every meal, which I will have to figure out where/when to do it)

Lunch: Liberal amounts of protein in the form of fish, poultry, or eggs plus unlimited amounts of cleansing vegetables; or 1 probiotic serving plus unlimited amounts of cleansing vegetables; 1 cup green tea

Dinner: Liberal amounts of protein in the form of fish or chicken; unlimited amounts of cleansing vegetables; 1 cup green tea

Snack/s: 2nd fruit serving; 2nd probiotic serving

Additional: 1 serving (1 to 2 tablespoons) of friendly fat to use on salads, vegetables, or for cooking.

Also, every morning is begun with a hot cup of water with lemon.  He says that it gets the body ready to begin processing our food.  And of course, eight 8-ounce glasses of water every day (WATER, not just any liquid -- you can have other low- or no-cal stuff like diet sodas, coffee, or tea, but it won't count toward your daily intake).

Sorry, I know this is a lot now that I see it -- but as you see, it's pretty normal eating. There's another process after the first 17 days that I haven't even looked at yet, but I know you can add in other stuff like lean read meats and shellfish, among other things.

As I go through this and learn more, I'll post more.

{insert wicked cackle here}

So mom called tonight. The first thing out of her mouth was that she gained two pounds in the week I was there. [snicker] Oh, REALLY? And here I lost a pound. She said she couldn't believe it since we ate the same. "Uh, no we didn't," I corrected her. "YOU ate that entire carton of chocolate chip cookies, minus the ONE I ate." Yeah, she forgot that. Plus, I told her the few times I did snack on things like Triscuits, I couldn't eat more than five or six at a time, whereas HER hand kept going in and out of the box. Additionally, the few nights I did ice cream (it was a low-fat vanilla my dad bought [90 calories and 1.5g of fat for 1/2 cup], topped with fat-free chocolate syrup and some walnuts), SHE did a big bowl, while I did a small pyrex bowl that probably only holds about 1/2 cup.

I also said that I found it rather disgusting that she would berate me for gaining weight and then send me on my merry way with cookies. She kind of chuckled at that and said, "Yeah, that's true." I told her I gave all but one of them away.

So yeah, I'm experiencing a bit of wicked glee from the news.

Revenge is sweet

Well, I left the folks' on Sunday and came home via train (if you've never traveled by train, I HIGHLY recommend it, by the way).  Her friend had made some batches of cookies and had given us some while I was there.  TWO batches, no less.  The first batch, I ate a couple (there were quite a few, sent in a tupperware).  The second batch was sent in a baggie.

Before I left on Sunday, my mom told me to take the baggie of cookies with me.  WHAT??  Okay, I'm making bad choices, but send me off with cookies so THEY don't eat them?  Now mind you, not only did they eat  most of the first batch, but she sent my dad to the store to get a container of bakery chocolate chip cookies from the grocery.  Out of about 16 to 18 cookies, I had ONE.  She ate almost all the rest.

Okay, so she sends me off with these cookies.  I didn't really snap to it until earlier today, but when I did, I had a true WTF moment.  The GOOD news is that out of the four cookies, I gave two to two little girls on the train, and another one to the lady sitting next to me for the whole trip.  That left ME with one, which I did eat.

I got on the scale today, and during my trip I had lost a pound.  I wasn't eating great, but I wasn't eating horribly either.  I wrote her and asked how SHE did (being snarky and rubbing it in) and told her I had lost a pound.  She didn't answer me.  I know damn well by the way she was eating that she gained.  Revenge is sweet.  ;)

When food- and weight-Nazis strike

Ugh, today was not a good day.  I'm visiting my folks right now as I'm between semesters, and today I got "the talking to" from my mom about my weight.  Do those closest to us REALLY need to point out that we're still fat or struggling or making bad choices?  I don't know about any of YOU, but I know when I've put on weight.  I'm the one that has to try to fit into my underpants in the morning.

I'm sure it was MEANT to sound like concern, but what she said was I am fortunate, highly intelligent, can go on vacation if I want, have a nice home, own my vehicles, etc., and from the outside I look to others like I'm strong and accomplished -- so why can't I get it together? And beyond all that, I have a band now to help me lose the weight.  So what's the problem?  She said I'm using excuses like the stress from last semester to excuse what I'm doing -- "It's 'stress' that made me make bad decisions and not exercise, etc."

My mom, who was thin until she hit her late 50s and could always eat whatever she wanted, has a good 50 or so pounds she could stand to lose.  I said, "Okay, then let's turn the tide -- other than the band, you have everything I have AND you don't have a job and you have two gyms you can use here for free whenever you want, so what is your excuse?"  She then said that it wasn't about her because she doesn't care about her weight anymore .  WTH is with that?  I KNEW once I got a band and told her about it, it would be one hugee failure she could point out if I didn't rock it like some have.

I don't know if any of you have gone through that; but if you have, you know how disheartening that feels.  I don't need to have my teeth kicked in because there are none left from where I have been kicking them in.  I've often wondered what I would have been like if I had had some positive influence in my life.  :/

I'm coming out of hiding - Erica and Caroline, this is for you :)

I've missed you all so much.  I know we don't know each other, but I have gleaned so much from so many of you, and I hope I have been able to do the same.

Erica hit the nail on the head.  I saw that she and Caroline had both posted something to me in December and I just couldn't bring myself to come here or to deal with my issues.  Well, it's a new year, and I have promised myself that I will get back on this horse and ride again.

Initially I was away because last semester was SO stressful and time-consuming.  I didn't exercise at ALL and probably haven't done much beyond walk across campus for over six months now.  However, as time went on, it got much more than just school stress.  My weight, which at its lowest was about 220 (three months before Jamaica, and which I was going to attempt to get into the hundreds BY Jamaica) is now at 247.  I don't think I have to tell any of you how devastating that is -- to get surgery and go so drastic and I am now going backwards. [OMG, how freaking depressing -- I went to modify my weight ticker to reflect honestly where I am, and in April of last year I was 215.6, not 220.  Just shoot me now...  :( ]

I am chatting with others who are banded as well, and only one or two of us are doing any good.  The rest are either struggling with weight or their bands have had issues and needed to be removed or swapped out or NEED to be removed.

I had promised myself that no matter what, this blog would be my "diary" of the good AND the bad, and I did just as Erica said and went into hiding.  I'm very good at that when things are going badly.

This is my first toe dip into the pool of my life again, and I will do whatever I can to continue exploring the good and the bad on my weight journey (I typed "loss" then erased it, considering that I've gained).

I hope you will all link arms with me and we can get through this together, good and bad.  Thank you for hanging around.