More about friends

It wasn't until I just now read a thread on LBT about jealousy and lost friendships with weightloss that I kinda had a >BOINK< "I coulda had a V-8" moment.

After having visited the friend and gone through all the other stuff I mentioned earlier, it was easy to miss the fact that she really didn't say anything about my weight loss.

Now mind you, when I decided I was going to do this, she was the first one I told. As a matter of fact, I called her on the way to the seminar and said I was pretty sure I was going to end up going this route. Her reaction was a simple, "Hmmmm." It was followed by the typical concerns and questions, but there was no "that's GREAT" moment. Okay, that's fine. I don't expect her to feel like it the way I did, but still.

So I go to visit and no comment like, "Hey, you look good/great/fantastic," nothing. I think I remember her saying something about yeah, I weigh less than I did the last time she saw me, but nothing else.

Then again, SHE is the largest she has ever been. We've known each other since we were 25 (me) and 24 (her), and she has definitely gained a lot of weight. Now maybe I see why she is not seeming to be happy for me.

Even though she is where she is, it's still sad when your best friend doesn't seem happy for you. Or maybe I just expect too much in life. :(

Swimming in a sea of misery

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. The day of my birthday, I left for a visit to go see kiddo and the grandbaby, as well as my best friend whom I haven't seen in over three years.

I stayed with the friend -- on the couch -- and long story short, I felt like she monopolized my time to the detriment of kiddo and the baby. I left there on Sunday with a heavy heart, crying and carrying on with kiddo about how the situation went (including her choice to see her babydaddy's mom WHO LIVES THERE because she said Friday night at a dinner that I attended, "Hey, let's all get together tomorrow too!"). I mean, what kind of heartless bitch DOES that, knowing that somebody flew 1400 miles to see their daughter and granddaughter and asks that said daughter and granddaughter come over??? Okay, getting upset again.

I just felt best friend was selfish with my time, and I'm upset about it. And I'm upset that I let her guilt me into going to see her boyfriend play in a band Friday night rather than insisting kiddo and I have some alone time together. The whole thing was just fucked up.

To boot, while I was there I found out something about hubby that got me upset. It was a situation that had been an issue for us a couple times in the past, and it may have gotten him fired. We had once worked at the same firm, and by the time he was let go, he had been there 11 years. At this point I don't know if it's true because kiddo told me, and frankly she hasn't always been the epitome of truthfulness. The source SHE got it from admits part and denies the part that is the most important to me. I know it all sounds cryptic, but I really don't want to put the facts out there. The fact is, I'm confused, and I don't know what or WHO to believe. Because if it's true, to me this marriage is dead. If it's true, we went through hell for it, for his choices, his vices.

I'm also sulking like a child over my birthday. Granted, I know I left to take my trip on that very day, but still... hubby could have taken the day off, done something nice, done ANYthing... but he didn't. Oh, he took off an hour early to get me to the airport on time, but when I asked him if he was taking the whole day off, he said he didn't want to "waste a day" like that. WHF?? I guess the look on my face told him that, so he said, "Well, I'll take it off if it's going to cause trouble." Um, NO, don't do me any favors, you ass.

I know it's childish, but birthdays and Christmas mean something to me. Especially birthdays. It's YOUR day to be special. He never treats me special like that. We have had more than our fair share of fights over the old,

"What do you want for your birthday?"

"Well, I would like 'X' for my birthday."

"What the hell do you need THAT for?"

"Because [insert reason here]."

"You don't need that."

"Since when was a gift about NEED? If I NEED something, I go get it."

>Silence for weeks or months<

"What do you want for your birthday?"

>SIGH<

It has been the source of many a fight. Why the fuck should I have to fight over a gift?? It has turned birthdays and Christmas into utter torture for me. So now I just get myself stuff within a time before my birthday, and though he hates me to spend ANY money, I think he is more relieved that I do it that way. THAT way, he feels he doesn't have to do ANYthing for me. At. All.

Which is what I got. Nothing but a trip to the airport.

I'm REALLY trying to love him, find something redeemable in him, but I just can't anymore. He's immature, fights like he's a juvenile, not thoughtful, oftentimes combative, and let's not forget I don't get sex. Though these days I'm fine not getting it from him. We don't have the same interests, he doesn't like to do the same things I do, and he has no desire to do ANYthing even remotely physical beyond mowing the grass.

You know, people have to WORK at love. It doesn't just happen or continue without some effort. I have told him time and again, even the grass will die if you don't water it. Yet it just gets worse and worse.

Yes, I'm in a poor-me-pity-party-funk, and I know it's ugly and probably sounds immature. I just long to be appreciated and valued again. I long to matter to somebody. Does that make sense?

The GOOD news is I haven't been turning to food. If anything, I'm satisfied with very little since coming back home. Enough so that I've lost five pounds (before you get too excited, I GAINED five pounds on vacation, though I'm not sure how because I felt I wasn't doing so badly).

Anyway...

It's my birthday!

YAY!!

'Nuff said. :)

Pushing the envelope

I kinda put off the workout today until after 2:00, and then decided to shake it up a bit. I thought I would do a shorter workout but make it more intense.

We have a park that is part of our neighborhood that is a great size -- not too big, not too small (see photo above with the path outlined and a house labeled to give a sense of dimension) -- and I took the dogs, my phone which has a Walkman and a stopwatch (among many other things) on it, and take to the park and do a more intense walk/run with the emphasis being on the run.

The first couple runs, I went once around the entire park without stopping, then walked for two minutes, then another run around the entire park. Then I'd follow with another one and-a-half to two-minute walk, and the majority of the runs were half the park. Just intermittent back and forth. In the midst of that, I did one more full run around the park without stopping.

I couldn't freakin' believe it! I've run the park before with my BFF ColoradoChick, but we are still in week 1 of the Couch to 5K which has you run for one minute, walk for 90 seconds, intermittently. Usually the first run I feel like I can do longer than a minute, but by the end of the circuit I'm dyin'.

Of course in my exercise today I walked for a bit longer, but then again, I was running longer too. Every half-park run I did was over a minute each time, usually closer to 90 seconds.

Overall a good workout.

The EXCELLENT part of it was I downloaded my GoWear Fit and out of 43 minutes of activity, 23 minutes of it was vigorous -- MORE THAN HALF!

Can you say WOOT??

Yay, I'm back where I was nine weeks ago! Wait...

Omg, good news but SO aggravating at the same time!

I got on the scale today and I'm 229 (lowest so far has been 228.5). Because I've logged my weight on my GoWear Fit, I looked to see when was the last time I logged in at 229 and it was May 14! Argggghhhh and $#&@*%!!!!!

I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but what a freakin' waste! It just pisses me off at myself. And hopefully reignites the fire permanently under my butt. Every time I feel like slacking, I need to remember how I feel right this moment and dedicate myself to myself.

Feeling more empowered

Ever since I've been logging, I feel more in control of what's going on with me. It has really curbed the indiscriminate eating. Just like the Klondike incident the other day, when I know I have to log what I'm eating (especially if the calories don't fit in my plan for the day) -- AND I get to see the net results online after dumping the info from my armband, it really gives me the realization that I'm in the driver's seat, not simply along for the ride.

Yesterday's net calorie deficit was 2010 (ate 862 and expended 2872). Today so far is a calorie deficit of 1801 (though that will grow by a couple hundred calories because I still have 3.5 hours until midnight) showing I have eaten 790 calories and expended (so far) 2591. I'll have the final tally by midnight.

I know when I eat without thinking, I feel SO out of control, and that scares me -- enough so that I usually react by eating more. Smart, huh? But logging everything, good or bad, gives me a fuller picture. And just like the other night when I thought I really blew it by drinking, in reality I was still in a deficit. Had I not logged that and found out the facts, I would have been beating myself up.

Again, though this is not a diet, it's still important for us to see what we're doing, good and bad. Eventually we will all be restricted so much that very little food will go in, but for those who have issues with sliders, you can still keep track.

I love my little friend!

>EDIT< I just uploaded the final tally for tonight:

Calories burned: 3046 (the most I've expended so far [I believe] since having the GWF)
Calories consumed: 820
Calorie deficit: 2226
Total steps: 10,492 (just shy of 4 miles)

I took the dogs for a late-night walk around the block at 11:30 to get in an additional 1106 steps. AND, because I ran some of it, I increased my vigorous activity 4 more minutes, bringing my total to 28 minutes of vigorous activity out of 82 minutes total! :)

Overall a VERY good day! :)

Changin' some stinkin' thinkin'

I went on a fantastic walk/run this afternoon where I not only walked farther, pushing myself on distance, but I ran longer, pushing myself on endurance. On a side note, I came home and downloaded my GoWear Fit to take stock of how I did. Not only did I go just over three miles, but out of a 69-minute workout, 24 of them were vigorous! I have never had so many vigorous minutes logged before!

Though I was listening to my Walkman, I was thinking a bit and doing the math in my head about how long it had been since I had been banded and determining where I should be in my weight loss compared to where I actually am.

In the past, it was nothing for me to lose about 10 pounds a month. Since I have been banded eight months ago, naturally I'm thinking I should have 80 pounds gone. My mind immediately went to that place where I'm griping myself out and saying how I shoulda this and shoulda that, and I immediately stopped and told myself, "I am where I am." Sixty pounds is nothing to sniff at and is a huge progress. And... this is not a race. I'm not racing anybody else, and I am certainly not racing myself. Even my setbacks have only resulted in no weight loss rather than weight gain, which would have been the result without the band.

I am working very hard on dealing with my inner bastard who likes to keep me down and talk to myself in a way that I would never allow a stranger to do. I realize that this is as much mental as it is physical, even with the band. When I'm going through a hard time, I can either reach for the Klondike bar or I can go for a walk. It's MY choice.

And today I choose to love myself right where I am.

Doing something is better than doing nothing

Yesterday was a kind of lazy day -- pretty outside, but just not feeling motivated very much.

However, hubby went down for his second nap about 3:00 (yes, second nap -- after all the drinking we did the night before, lol) and I decided not to totally waste the day and went outside to wash and detail my motorcycle (scrubbing chrome, LOTS of chrome).

I spent about three hours on the task, got most of it done (was making dinner for us and invited the neighbor so had to wrap it up), and downloaded my GoWear Fit last night and was pretty surprised.

I overshot my calories burned by 264 calories, and I got in all of my 5,000 steps and then some (exceeded by 21 steps). And most of that was done during the cleaning (see below):

Fixed a FANTASTIC dinner tonight

Today was hubby's birthday, and I wanted to make something neat with some seafood I had too much of when I prepared other meals this week.

I had some leftover raw shrimp and bay scallops, so I decided to add to that some crab meat and oysters.

Made a base sauce from butter, white wine, the oyster juice left over after removing the oysters from the jar, garlic, lime juice with pulp (I wanted to do lemon but hubby likes limes and had two), and dill.

Cooked it WAY down over a high heat, then lowered the heat and threw in the seafood. Cooked a pot of angel hair pasta about 2/3 of the way done, as was the seafood. Then pulled the pasta out of the pot and added it to the seafood, stirred them both together on a low heat, added fresh parsley and basil, a bit of salt, pepper, and sugar. Served with a bit of shredded parmesan cheese on top. Oh my freakin' God, it was SO GOOD!!

I love when stuff comes together in my head and it turns out good!

Even a "bad" night resulted in a calorie deficit

Hubby and I started drinking wine last night before dinner. I have made a couple dishes lately that have a wine base to them (all low-cal/fat from the recipe book I've listed here), and last night's dish was supposed to be made with white wine. Unfortunately I got a wine that had a colored bottle with a yellow label and top, and because they also have the same in red, I assumed the yellow label meant it was a white wine. WRONG! I had bought a shiraz which, to my chagrin, is apparently a red (don't know if it's good or bad that I don't know my wines, lol).

So after getting a bottle of white from the neighbor, here we were with two bottles of red that needed something done with them. So... we drank them.

Not only did we drink that, but the foodie friends of mine got me a bottle of pink champagne when I hit 50 pounds lost which has been sitting in the fridge for a while now. Not any longer! It's gone too.

And when I drink, my defenses are down. I ended up eating nearly a whole can of low-fat Pringles through the night as well. And some Wheat Thins Fiber Select crackers. Not the best, but not the worst I could have done.

I logged all of that in my GoWear Fit food journal just now and I still showed a 618 calorie deficit for the day. Luckily I went walking/running about 4.5 miles yesterday, which brought my calorie output up much higher.

Today I'm simply taking it easier food-wise. I'm not terribly hungry anyway, so I'm just eating safe stuff.

Nice to see that even what I considered a not-so-great night wasn't quite as bad as I assumed it was. I'm also happy I logged it so I wouldn't feel the "guilts" today. :)

Close call!

Stress is getting to me today and I almost grabbed one of hubby's Klondike Bars -- UNTIL I looked at the calorie information (since I would have to log it) and, OMG, those suckers are 250 calories!!!

Um, no thanks. I grabbed one of my Edy's Frozen Fruit Bars instead for 30 calories and a fat free yogurt for about 80 calories.

WHEW! I'm telling ya, knowing that I had to log that puppy is what stopped me! For those of you still struggling (or simply watching yourself), logging works. It stops that blind eating of sliders and other foods we shouldn't be having.

I was couched on Wednesday

Got busy between then and now, but not a ton to say. Obviously this is the "getting to know you and all your funky quirks and bizarre behaviors" stage, so it was simply an hour of me vomiting my feelings out into the open and her writing furiously, attempting to keep up. I hope next time she brings a laptop. Or a stenographer. It might help her. Poor thing.

I told her right off the bat that I have been banded but that, being only a tool, I am still dealing with the head stuff. I detected a pursing of lips and glazing over of the eyes as I explained this, but maybe it's just my psychosis that made me see that.

She said, "Hey, I'm taking you at where you're at," and then asked me to define some of the jargon that we bandsters use, like "sliders" and how our band can be tight for even drinking.

Hubby came up a lot. So did foodie friends, but hey, I can control how much I see them. I explained to her how most of the time our relationship is just non-eventful with bouts of feeling like I settled. I told her I have learned that a number of people who have WLS or lose vast amounts of weight end up getting divorced, and I tell her that this early in I can see why. I can't get him to go walking with me, to ride bikes with me, to rollerblade with me, to do ANYthing good for me (and him) that we could do together.

Shit, he hardly even has sex with me. Also good for you AND your marriage. WTF? We got in another huge fight about that yesterday and it almost came to blows (from me, I'm so fucking fed up with it). I was halfway hoping he'd jump out of the car on our way out to meet friends. He kept telling me to pull over while we were leaving our neighborhood, and I said, "No. You don't what I want, so I'm not doing what you want." I know, real mature. Still...

I really WANT to be in love with him. I think I still am, but a lot of the time I just don't know anymore. He makes it very hard to do. It's like being in love with a barcalounger -- it's THERE, it serves a purpose, but it does nothing to make itself lovable. In return I have either withdrawn to the computer or lately I've been doing things with friends or away from him. And then I get flack for "not being there." Um... what about the last 15 years or so when I have begged you to do stuff with me or just be into our relationship?? I tell him, "You mow the lawn, do work on the vehicles, and work in your fucking blackberry patch, but you do SHIT for our marriage!!"

I'm afraid I've had it. And of course here I sit with no job, waiting for the phone to ring while thinking about going back to school full-time.

I will eventually convince myself that this relationship is just not healthy for me on more than one level -- the food issue being one of them. I know marriage takes work, but when that's ALL it takes, then it's just not a good thing anymore.

Going back on the couch

I broke down and finally got an appointment with an eating disorder therapist for tomorrow night at 7:30. I always hit a snag with my diets in the past at the 6- to 7-month mark, and it's not much different for me this time either even though it's not a diet. Stressors have always (and recently) made me turn to things that haven't been the best for me (though I've been doing well the last week or so), and I knew from the get-go that I would need therapy along with the band to help me since we all know that the band only works on the stomach, not the head. ;)

I'll detail how it went tomorrow night.

Omg, MORE great low-fat/cal recipes!!

Still bored with the same ol' same ol', so broke out the Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery recipe book again. These are so good it's almost like cheating! Twice now I've been very happy with the results of the recipes as they have tasted very savory.

Tonight's meal consisted of:

Flank Steak Basquaise

1 pound lean flank steak
olive oil cooking spray
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/2 cup red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1/2 pound fresh mushrooms, sliced
1/2 cup dry red wine
2 teaspoons concentrated beef broth
salt and pepper to taste

1. Place flank steak on broiling pan and score top so it won't curl. Broil for 3-5 minutes on each side until medium rare.
2. While steak is broiling, heat cooking spray in a medium nonstick skillet until it's hot but not smoking. Saute onions and garlic for 3 minutes until lightly browned.
3. Add pepper and mushrooms and cook, covered, for 3-5 minutes until soft. Add wine, tomatoes, and beef broth concentrate and cook, stirring occasionally, until liquid is reduced by half.
4. Slice steak, on diagonal, very thin. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Makes 4 servings

Calories: 229.94, Protein: 24.18g, Fat: 9.45g, Carbohydrates: 9.12g; Cholesterol: 65mg, Fiber: 2.03g, Sodium: 292.07mg

I highly recommend doing the meat last, or at least towards the end of the sauce preparation. I did it first, and it was done before everything else was; AND because I was busy and wasn't paying attention, it got broiled for too long. To add to that, I had to stick it back in the oven (covered) before serving because by the time I was done with everything the meat was not too warm.

I did this side to accompany it:

Cauliflower, Mushroom, and Cheddar Casserole

3 cups cauliflower, steamed till soft, about 12 minutes
1 cup fresh white mushrooms, chopped
5 cloves roasted garlic
1/2 pound low-fat cheddar cheese, diced [I used mild cheddar personally, thinking sharp would be too strong]
butter-flavored cooking spray
2 tablespoons ground soy nuts

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. In a large bowl, mix cauliflower, mushrooms, roasted garlic, and cheese
3. Coat a small nonstick baking dish with cooking spray; pour in cauliflower mixture and sprinkle ground soy nuts on top.
4. Spray top with cooking spray and bake for 30 minutes.

Makes 4 servings

Cooking Tip: To roast garlic, take whole unpeeled head of garlic and cut off top, or however many cloves you need. Drizzle with 1 teaspoon olive oil, wrap in foil, and bake at 275 degrees for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. can be stored in refrigerator for up to one week.

(Okay, my note -- we have elephant ear garlic [very large single cloves] and I peeled mine, wrapped in tinfoil, and roasted in the toaster oven on about 400 degrees for 30 minutes. Came out just fine! I'm sure if you use traditional garlic, you can follow all the other directions given by the book but roast hotter and shorter in a toaster oven as well.)

Calories: 151.96, Protein: 17.90g, Fat: 5.58g, Carbohydrates: 8.73g, Cholesterol: 11.88mg, Fiber: 9.11g, Sodium: 370.44mg

I can't tell you how good this stuff was! Next time I will be more careful with the meat, and I can only imagine it will be that much better.

Doing the right things deliver positive results -- who'da thunk?

As promised, I've been logging all my meals since my last fill on Thursday. That meant that when I went to Ocean City with foodie friend wife, I took my computer and logged what I ate to the best of my ability (since we were eating out). The good thing is that I was still on liquids on Friday and mushies on Saturday and Sunday, so I couldn't go hog wild.

Which leads to another snippet: I told foodie friend wife (already told husband on Thursday) about my surgery, my restrictions, and my requirements of myself. She had lots of questions, but all went well.

Anyway, going back to logging. As I knew (duh), logging makes me accountable to myself for what I'm doing. I can't just eat indiscriminately if I know I will have to put it down later and see the good, the bad, and the ugly of my choices. When you know you will have to look at it -- like looking at the scale after a binge -- it makes you think about your choices before you make them rather than kicking yourself in the ass after you've already done the damage.

So far so good! Today I'm only up to just over 1300 calories (where my stats allow for 1600), so I'm happy with what I did today. At one point I was jonesing for something crunchy and salty and was looking for my leftover low-fat Pringles. Thankfully hubby ate them while I was gone, so instead I went for the pistachios. And though they were a better choice, thankfully they were a bit stale (old) so after eating about four of them, I gave up and had an apple. :)

The good thing is the trip to Ocean City resulted in 3027 calories expended and 16,535 steps taken (though that's just over 6 miles, I thought for sure it was going to surpass 20,000, boo) on Saturday. Nice for just walking around (though we hoofed it a bit heading back to the car when we were done on the Boardwalk so that we could make it to the movies in time). Overall, I was very happy to be able to combine a vacation with exercise.

Using my tools

LOG LOG LOG!!!

I got this GoWear Fit to start logging what I'm doing and the food I'm eating. So far I've been downloading the info on the energy I've been exerting, but I had stopped logging food and weight -- obviously because the former wasn't good and the latter was reflecting it. They finally put a feature on the graphs where you can hover your cursor over a specific day of data on the weight graph and it'll give you the date (something it didn't have the last time I posted my weight). I hadn't posted my weight since May 22. Yes, May 22. About six weeks ago.

I just started again yesterday after I got my fill -- starting over, as it were. Starting weight was 232.5 (which I consider a blessing after my mini vacay and eating not so great as 232.5 was what I was before I left), and as of this morning it's 231. I usually do pretty well after my liquids and mushies, about 5 pounds or thereabouts, so by Monday I ought to be (hopefully) close to that.

I know that for me specifically (and likely others generally), if I don't track what I'm eating, I go crazy. I also lose accountability to myself. If I don't log that ice cream, it didn't exist, right? Yeah... that's not working out so well.

So for this next month, I'm going to stay true to myself and log what I'm doing and the weight loss (or gain) that results. Hiding from myself just doesn't work because the evil of my deeds shows up anyway.

I'm feeling so psyched that at 11:30 last night I did 100 sit-ups and then took the dogs outside and I ran the sidewalk back and forth for about two houses in each direction. I got four additional minutes of vigorous exercise to add to the 11 I got from my walk/run earlier in the day. And I'm finding with each run, I'm able to go longer and longer (initial run, that is -- subsequent runs are a bit more challenging).

So I leave for Ocean City today and a weekend of fun with a girlfriend. The good news is I'm on mushies so I can't do as much damage. The funny thing is, she can live on mashed potatoes herself, so I guess we'll be freaking out our wait staff for two days. :)

My dog may not survive my exercise

On an up note, I went out for a walk/run again today. Tuesday I went twice, so I gave myself a break yesterday.

I have this Maltese named Casey who is freakin' adorable. I also have a larger, Golden-mix named Amber. Amber is fine, but Casey could stand to lose a couple pounds (yes, the photo is of them).

Anyway, I've been taking them on these walks, and I've been doing all I can to incorporate some schleppy running in there. Okay, in all fairness, it's not REALLY running, but it loosely resembles it. Think Night of the Living Dead but in 1.5x speed. Not pretty. Kinda like how my friend and I try to hit a ball back and forth with a racket and say it loosely resembles tennis in some form or fashion. Anyway, I digress.

Poor Casey does okay in the beginning, and actually gets up to a little puppy gallop -- but always behind me because, let's face it, his legs are like three inches long. But by the end of our hour, he's heaving and barely trotting, and I notice there is no slack in the leash anymore. I think I actually saw skid marks on the trail due to my pulling him. Slacker.

So today I played the nice mommy and carried him some of the way, but only for the walking part. I don't think his little body could handle the jostling by being held while I do my schleppy run. Then again, he wasn't looking so great in his little drag-run either.

He gets home, gulps down some water, comes over near the couch, and literally collapses on the hardwood floor, all four legs splayed out like he's playing "dead rigor mortis doggie," except that he's panting frantically. Freakin' hilarious!

Well, at least ONE of us is apparently benefitting from it. If I don't kill him first, that is.

I don't think he's ever gonna get it...

Another conversation with the hubby. Trying to figure out where to go for dinner with foodie friend (husband only). I just got a fill today, so I'm on liquids only. I decide I could use some clam chowder (minus the clams, of course... and potatoes... and celery -- so I guess it's just cream). Goes something like this:

HIM: We could go to that little seafood place not far from here. I think on Thursdays they have all-you-can-eat crab.

ME: Omg, please don't put me through that [I LOVE crab, btw].

HIM: What? Won't it bother you no matter what we eat?

ME: Yes, somewhat, but that one is really hard for me.

HIM: [Prattles on with some mindless mumbling and kvetching about who-the-hell-knows-what cuz lord knows I never pay attention to him. Just ask him.]

He goes outside to smoke while foodie friend is on the phone.

I go outside and ask him what the hell his problem is, because it's very obvious nowadays that, as usual, his support of me has waned. He asks what I'm talking about. I tell him that he seems to get less tolerant of my needs as time goes on, like my band is crimping his style (which it MAY be, but that shouldn't be made my problem since I'm the one who has this strangling piece of plastic in my body, limiting what I can have).

It's not like he can't go do whatever he wants. Once or twice, against my better judgment, I have even gone where he wanted to go (can anybody say Golden Corral??) and regretted it.

I told him that about the six-month mark he ALWAYS does this. He even did it when I was dieting. He'd be okay for that long, and then he'd start pouting and acting stupid. Well, MORE stupid.

And here, foodie friend and hubby are talking food, consistency of food, crunch of food, taste of food, density of food, color of food, smell of food, texture of food... I mean, it goes on and on. It's like they're describing the artwork in the Sistine Chapel or the Venus de Milo, for cryin' out loud. WTF is it with these people and FOOD??? Like some people can separate themselves from cigarettes if they stop cold turkey and then are not around it for a time, I truly believe I could be that way with food, if not for these foodaholics around me constantly. GRRR!!!

It may come to a point, if he insists on dragging me down with him of saying something I heard on Dr. Phil yesterday [insert groan here, I know, I know...]: I would rather be healthy without you than sick with you.

Because, frankly, he really doesn't get it.

Oh, and on that note, I told foodie husband friend that I got the band. He was asking about why I was on liquids, and I decided to tell him. I'll tell his wife tomorrow when I see her (we're going to Ocean City for the weekend, and I'll be on liquids, then mushies, the entire trip. Figured it was a good time to say something.) because, maybe if they know what I'm REALLY GOING THROUGH, they'll give me some slack.

Now, if only I could get through to my human garbage disposal.

Slightly tweaked and frustrated

Last month I had a fill issue -- went in for my fill, and he accidentally overfilled me from 4.6cc to 5.8cc. Went in for an un-fill and he said he brought me down to 5cc.

Went in for my fill today, and noooo, I wasn't at 5cc, I was at 4.6cc, back where I started two freakin' months ago. No WONDER I was so hungry after my un-fill! I was teasing the nurse today saying that he said he brought me down to 5cc, but it almost felt like he took OUT 5cc. Now I see what the problem was. And to add insult to injury, I'm UP 4/10 of a pound. I know, not bad, but still... I'm pretty much stagnated for the last two months. I was down 2/10 of a pound last month, and now up 4/10. Ugh...

Now, I'm not slammin' on my fill doc because I really love him. I don't know why the mix-ups twice now, but hopefully I am really at 5.2cc as of today and I'll start feeling less hungry. On top of that, I promised myself that I will begin getting back into this 100 percent again -- tracking food, exercising, POSITIVE OUTLOOK rather than letting things get to me, etc.

And now, I'm going walking. :)

Got off my ass today

TWICE!!

Okay, came back from vacation -- short but sweet, but ate too much junk. I have a fill scheduled for Thursday, and I shouldn't be surprised to find I had a slight gain. It's possible, but truth be told, I haven't been on the scale in a week.

Took the dogs for a walk/run today and logged just over an hour, along with about 6700 steps. I ran a few times, which gave me 8 minutes of vigorous activity (I'm getting all of this from my GoWear Fit).

My friend asked me this evening about 9:00 if I wanted to go out with her to walk, as she is beginning the Couch to 5K program. At first I said, Nah, it's a bit late. But I thought, Heck, go ahead and go. So we did it. Week 1, that is. It's about 30 minutes of exercise, with a 5-minute warm-up, then intermittent walk/runs of 90 seconds and 60 seconds, respectively (eight runs total). The first 60 seconds was a breeze, surprisingly. The second one was a brisk wind. By the end, the run was more like a stale fart. WHEW! But we did it.

I logged 12,734 steps, 22 minutes of vigorous activity, an hour and forty minutes of exercise, and got in all my calorie expenditure and then some, before midnight.

Feels good.

Oh, and here's the proof! lol



(The 5,000 steps is my minimum goal)

Tried some great new recipes tonight

I mentioned some time back a book I got called Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery, and after not using it for a long time and getting bored with eating the same ol' same ol' (which is being whittled down due to some of the issues I'm having with certain meats), I decided to try a recipe or two from the book for dinner tonight.

If you like salmon, you'll really enjoy this. It's got a bit of zip but not too much, and the calorie count is really good on it as well.


Grilled Salmon with Basil Seafood Sauce

olive oil cooking spray
1 pound salmon fillets
1 tablespoon light soy sauce


Basil Seafood Sauce
(makes approximately 1 cup):

1/2 cup fat-free sour cream
1/2 cup low-fat mayonnaise
2 tablespoons prepared horseradish
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
2 teaspoons light soy sauce
2 tablespoons minced dried onion
1 teaspoon fresh ginger, minced
1 tablespoon anchovy paste

1. Spray a broiling pan with cooking spray; place salmon on pan, skin side down, and coat with cooking spray.
2. Sprinkle salmon with soy sauce and broil for 5-7 minutes until cooked through but still moist.
3. While salmon is broiling, combine all sauce ingredients in a small bowl and mix well.
4. Either pour the sauce over the finished salmon or use it for dipping.

Makes 4 servings

SALMON:
Calories: 193.01, Protein: 24.41g, Fat: 9.71g, Carbohydrates: 0.25g, Cholesterol: 70.31mg, Fiber: 0g, Sodium: 197.05mg.

BASIL SEAFOOD SAUCE (2 tablespoons):
Calories: 38.86, Protein: 1.10g, Fat: 3.4g, Carbohydrates: 2.60g, Cholesterol: 7.19mg, Fiber: 0.05g, Sodium: 165.77mg.


I made a side dish to go along with it which also turned out good. I say "good" because hubby had two servings of everything! I've fixed a couple other dishes from this book and he wasn't as keen on them.


Zucchini and Ricotta Rustica

olive oil cooking spray
3 cups (2 medium) zucchini, sliced thin
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 pound Canadian bacon, sliced thin, trimmed of fat and diced
1 1/2 cups fresh tomato, diced
1/2 cup fresh basil, shredded
1/2 cup fat-free ricotta cheese
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese

1. In a large nonstick skillet, heat cooking spray until hot but not smoking. Ad the zucchini, season with salt and pepper, and saute over moderate heat until softened.
2. Stir in the Canadian bacon, tomato, and basil and cook until tomato is softened.
3. Remove from heat and toss with the ricotta and Parmesan cheeses.

Makes 4 servings

Calories: 150.13, Protein: 18.79g, Fat: 5.38g, Carbohydrates: 8.56g, Cholesterol: 5mg, Fiber: 2.07g, Sodium: 701.58mg.

Ruby is a true gem

I'm one of those weirdos who does't have cable (but I DO have indoor plumbing, thank God. Being cable-less is not MY choice. I'm just sayin'...), so I've never gotten a chance to see Ruby, the woman who is documenting her weight loss with a starting weight of over 500 pounds.

I was visiting my sister and caught one episode, but wow, she certainly has done a good job, even though she has so far to go. She's "real people," like all of us are, with her ups and downs, people who are there through the thick and thin (roommate) and people who can't handle her failure and ditch her (the ex-boyfriend).

The episode I caught was right after she lost her father. What a horrible setback that must have been. She gained six pounds, but from what I could see, she was getting back on the wagon. But her depression, not wanting to log her food intake, not wanting to exercise -- well, we've all been there. In some fashion or other, we are all Ruby. She just has farther to go than many of us do.

It made me really notice how, since I haven't been logging my food, I've been doing whatever I want and getting the results I deserve: Zero weight loss or slight gains. I KNOW how important it is to pay attention to that, yet I've chosen -- yes CHOSEN -- to not do it.

I get a fill on Thursday. I promise to myself and all of you that when I begin back on whole foods on Monday, I will start logging and PAYING ATTENTION!!

And maybe I can catch Ruby online to see how she's been doing.