...to want passion? Especially when I'm starting to look and feel good? What if my DH is not willing or able to do this? Should I suffer beyond the 16 years I already have, not having a good "passion/sex life"? When is enough enough? What do you do when you're not a cheater but know that you could potentially have that proclivity if you're not getting it at home but somebody else starts showing attention? It scares me shitless, and in the past I have re-gained my weight due to the fear and/or getting attention from others.
He's a good man, don't get me wrong. But there is something... really... lacking in this area, and it always has. I just don't know how long I can go on with this issue, especially as I start to lose weight and look good(ish). I'm not a cheater, but I know myself well enough to know that if I don't get it at home, I will be attracted to attention given to me outside the home. Is that bad? I feel very conflicted over this. It's not my way, I don't believe in cheating, but what does one do when their partner is not there for them in that way?
It's probably time to find my eating disorder therapist, because I know that this has been my stumbling block in the past which has had me regain the weight. And even though this is not a diet, there are still ways to cheat myself and the band, and I just don't need that on top of everything else.
I'm just so fed up with this... I wish I had an answer as to why he is this way with me. If it was something I could fix, then I would at least feel some hope. However, he doesn't do anything about it, doesn't seek help (medical or otherwise), and here I languish. I'm getting so resentful now I can't even explain. :(
Okay...let me ask you this. Have you tried couples therapy? Can you talk to him about it? What is missing? Is he not interested or not good? There are so many variables so I dont want to say the wrong thing. I do understand your situation though bc my boyfried went through it with his ex wife. He had been married 16 years and had resigned himself to the fact that his life was going to be his life. She lost any of her sex drive about 8 years ago due to a couple of factors...and they were basically living like roomates. But I believe that we need passion, to feel wanted and sexual, to be desired. And when you arent getting that...god, its against human nature to try to shut YOUR desire off. People certainly do it though. But what kind of life is that. I am not saying cheat. But I am saying work on it if he is willing...and if not...you guys need to have a very serious conversation.
ReplyDeleteHeavy stuff.
I hope you find the answers you are searching for.
Amy
We have had so much couples' counseling that we have probably put therapists' kids through college. And talking about it certainly isn't getting to the root of the problem. It's ALWAYS been a problem -- either no drive from him, or now lately, no ability to function, if you get my drift. He now says it's performance anxiety, but in the past there have been other reasons (excuses?) as to why things were the way they were. Our honeymoon consisted of TWO nights of passion, and in 2003 we were together after being separated for six months (he worked in Kuwait for a year), and during that 17 days together it was two or three times.
ReplyDeleteI've just had it. I blamed myself for years and gained a LOT of weight. I'm not blaming him totally, but I know my stress over not feeling desired or loved led me to react emotionally, and for me that was food.
I'm not an unattractive woman, and even moreso as I lose the weight. I told him last night I have gone for 16 years with his issues, putting my feelings and needs aside, but I am in the prime of my life (with all my younger, good years gone), and not only is it a connection I need as a couple, that I simply have needs that are not being met.
His answer: He hopes I find somebody who can be better for me than he has. WTF?? We haven't spoken in 24 hours now.
Beth -- I was engaged to a guy like this, and we were together for 2 years. He was a gorgeous guy, great body, a doctor. . amazing pedigree. But, ultimately, the fact that we were totally incompatible in that way was a deal breaker, and I called off the engagement.
ReplyDeleteDuring that process and for the 2+ years afterwards, I packed on quite a bit of weight. It was just so depressing not to be wanted in that way by someone who was supposedly in love with me. Honestly, for me, it was intolerable. You have much more history with your husband than I did with my ex-fiance, but you sound just as unhappy. Also, you sound generally not so happy with the relationship.
Maybe this is an issue that's better addressed with your own therapist than in couple's therapy. I guess the heart of the issue is -- why are you staying with this guy if you are not happy? And, is the stuff that is making you unhappy stuff that can be fixed?
Hang in there! Life is a big old process and journey.
Best,
Catherine
I guess I'm still with him because I'm not a quitter, but I have come closer to quitting over the last couple of years than I ever had before, though for additional issues.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm also still here because of the time together and, frankly, I guess I'm a bit scared of the notion of being alone at nearly 44 years of age in a state where I don't have anybody else.
He's not a BAD guy overall, but yes, this is beginning to be a deal breaker for me. It's like he doesn't even try anymore, even in foreplay. I feel like a bitch because it's not often enough, and when it does happen it goes pretty quick, and now there is little effort being put in on his part. I don't say anything, but in my own head I feel like a horrible person because I'm overall not happy with this aspect of our lives anymore.
As it is, we sleep in different rooms because he snores and I can't sleep. He doesn't do anything about that either. So I sit here feeling dejected as if there are these two issues that I can't do anything about while he CAN -- but doesn't. I start feeling like I don't matter enough for him to even bother, yet he says he loves me dearly. It's all so confusing and hurtful.