Pizza and emotional eating, but...

...I didn't do as badly as I normally would have.

I found out yesterday that I didn't get the job. I was a bit bummed, and even moreso today for a while. I found myself hungrier than I've been in a while, but then I also spent two days this week doing just liquids, so it's possible that was a good part of that.

I had my protein drink for breakfast, a tiny serving of tuna for a late AM snack, some of my leftover spaghetti for lunch, and then I left the house around 2:30 to get some movies for this rainy weekend.

While there I saw and wanted some Hot Tamales. I had the box this afternoon (more than I anticipated, but yep, I did it) and for dinner pizza sounded good. I was talking to my friend who also has the band and who is a year in who said if I'm gonna do pizza, do it now while I can still eat bread. I ordered two mediums instead of what we used to get (two larges), and all I really wanted was some pepperoni. I got DH the works and me a pepperoni. He had one piece left from the works, and I ate three of the pepperoni. As I sit here, more than 2 1/2 hours after eating, I could have done with 2 or 2 1/2 pieces. It's sitting kinda heavy. But I haven't had pizza in over 5 months, and overall I've been pretty dang good in what I eat.

I talked to my mom and told her that it was a controlled eating spree (as opposed to just grazing from the fridge or cupboard). I knew I wanted these things, had to bring them into the house, and said that today is it. Whatever is left over is DH's for lunch or dinner over the weekend.

I will not beat myself up over this. She said I should look into this part of myself, the part that makes me want to deal with issues with food, but I don't feel bad. I won't feel guilty. It was ONE day, ONE meal (okay, and a snack), and that was it. I can feel my "head" telling me I still want more, but I can feel fullness in my pouch. The head hunger is recognized, ignored, and pushed aside. And I also know the day will come that, except for sliders, I will be limited in what I can eat even if I go through this again.

As it is, I've lost 13 1/2 pounds since my last fill on April 9, and I'm not due for another fill until the 12th. I think that's pretty dang good. I can no longer try working so hard at being perfect because that's just not going to happen. It's not possible. I can't be black or white, good or bad, perfect or imperfect. I realize that there will be days I will slip, but that does not make me imperfect. It just makes me human.

No matter what, this time is different. It's not a diet, so I can't fall off the wagon the same way I have in the past. And what's better? It wasn't that great. I'm not missing much.

And I will find the perfect job for me. :)