Words of wisdom

My mom shared with me part of an e-mail a friend of hers wrote her about my situation and weight loss.  Granted, I always pretty much figured this was the case, but to hear it coming from somebody else was interesting.  She said:

Of course, [he] won't compliment [her] on her weight loss.  He wanted her fat!  Because of his insecurities.  He doesn't want her to feel good about herself!  That's what all these years have been about.  Keep that self-esteem on the floor!  He knows he's not good enough for her, he's known it all along, and if she ever realized that, she'd be GONE!  And guess what?  That's exactly what happened!  Tell her...take her time...she doesn't need a man to define herself.  If the right one is out there, he's out there.  She won't find him if she's tied down to ONE, just so the world knows she CAN get a guy.  Take it from one who's been there.  Screw the world, too.  She's not the fat chick anymore.  She's free and single because she WANTS to be!  And if Mr. Right isn't out there, well, there's a lot of Mr. Wrongs you can sport f--

Well, let's juts say she figured I could "enjoy" them.  Yeah, not really my thing, but I get her drift.

But she's right.  I used to always say that he NEVER supported my weight loss, even though he didn't like me fat.  But in his own way, I guess he needed me fat so that, in his mind, I wouldn't leave.  Besides that, he had an eating buddy in me.  It was a no-win no matter how it went down.

So, yeah... my sister (part trois)

I meant to post this earlier, but since I was out dating... :)

My sister called late last week, and we were chatting about non-incidentals.  And then she started asking:  "How much weight have you lost?  What do you weigh now?  Are you still losing?  Are you still under 200?"

I was ducking and weaving like a prize fighter, trying hard not to answer.  It was easier for my mom to do it when she was being asked because it could be believed that we don't really talk about it.  But being asked outright is something else altogether, obviously.

The best I could do was say stuff like, "You know, weight goes and weight comes back," or, "I've been in a holding pattern for a while" (true).  I really disliked being put on the spot like that and having her ask me, especially since I know the only reason she really cares is because she's worried about us all getting together in five weeks and me maybe looking better than her.

New boys and new dilemmas

I met a nice guy this past weekend.  Nothing too hot or heavy, but it already brings up a few interesting issues.

First, even though he's pretty buff, he likes larger women.  I saw the woman he was last dating, and she's quite a bit bigger than I am.  He actually likes me at my size NOW, but I intend to lose about 50 more pounds.

This is one heck of a change from my marriage, where my husband never accepted me at my heavier weight.  On the flip side, this guy likes me where I am, but I don't.  In some ways it would be nice to be able to stop where I am and simply be accepted, but that's not good enough for me.  Not anymore.

How odd that I would go from one extreme to the other?  But the fact is that no matter what path my life takes, I have to stay true to me and my health and goals.

Secondly, I find myself having to decide what to share with a new person who seems interested.  How do you do this?  I DID tell him about losing nearly 100 pounds, and he never blinked.  Tonight I mentioned something about having trouble eating enough calories when I'm working out hard, and he asked if I had surgery.  I just brushed over that question and didn't answer.

He cheered me on Saturday (via text) when I did my 5K.  His support was amazing, and it's something I haven't had in ages.  He texted this to me:

It actually made me very happy that you made such a big accomplishment in losing weight and getting yourself in shape.  Thought it was cool that you were running in your first 5k.  Even though we only recently met, I am genuinely proud of you.

I was shocked.  I never got support like that from the man I was with and married to for 20 years!  Even the day of the race, I got no type of support or encouragement from him like what this guy said.

It's all very nice, but he'd better be okay with me continuing on my weight-loss journey if things are going to go anywhere.

Missing links

I had to make my watch smaller today.  I know, it's a relatively small (and odd) NSV, but do you know how hard it is to get smaller wrists?  :)

I finally did my first 5k!

 

Back in December of 2009, I said I wanted to eventually do a 5k.  Yesterday was that day.  It wasn't pretty, and I would have won no medals, but I DID do it.  There was some running, much walking, and just a little too much heavy panting (and not in that good way), but I finished it -- AND in a fairly respectable time, considering it was my first:  43 minutes.

I wouldn't get that engraved on a plaque or anything, but I wasn't last, either.

I won't be doing another one in the next week or so, but I WOULD like to do it again.  Now that I have a time to beat, I will challenge myself.  And I've recently met someone who is very active and rooted me on (and was very proud of me and called me a "Warrior Queen!"), and I know if anybody can challenge me to do more and do better, he or someone like him can do it.

"Your face is getting so skinny!"

 

I heard this today.  I have to say I felt great hearing it.  It's weird how you don't really notice much when looking in the mirror, which is why I tell people they really should take photos, measurements, and anything else OTHER than just relying on the scale. Those non-scale victories can save your sanity when you don't see any movement for days, weeks, or sometimes months.

It was nice to hear this from someone that I see periodically, but rare enough that he noticed.  He said he's seeing it all over, but he specifically mentioned my face.

The photos above are taken three months apart.  There is only 10 pounds' difference in my actual weight, but even I can see the difference in my face.

So, yeah... my sister (part deux)

Remember me telling y'all about my sister's "chunky comment" last month?

Yeah, well, it seems as if I'm in some sort of competition with her that I was unaware of.  A couple times recently, she's asked my mom how I've been doing on my weight loss, to which my mom hasn't really said anything.  She just dodges the question or says she doesn't know how it's going.

Today, however, my sister texted me about something else and TWICE, 3 1/2 hours apart, asked me how much weight I've lost while saying that she has gained what would be about 35 pounds from her ideal, "fighting weight."  Because she asked about my weight interspersed with a couple other questions, I dodged the ones about my weight and only answered the others.

Then, when she saw I wasn't biting on the questions about my weight, she asked for a photo of me in the bridesmaid dress I'll be wearing this weekend.  I said, "I sent it to you in August."  Now, when I sent it to her, all excited that the dress fit though I bought in a size smaller, I got one word:  Awesome.  That's it.  Not another word, then or after.  So, when I said that I sent it in August, she said, "It's October, dude."

I dodged the questions about my weight, so she went the circuitous route and asked for a photo.

Yeah, as if.  It's not like she's asking because she gives a crap -- she's asking to see how much weight she has to lose by Thanksgiving, when we'll all be together.

New underpants and My 600-Pound Life

 

So, last night I was channel surfing and came across reruns of the TLC show My 600-Pound Life and was just... shocked.  I've seen big people before, certainly, but I don't recall ever seeing a show that followed them for years through weight loss (though, from what I can tell, this show specifically focused on their weight loss after gastric bypass surgery).

The only show I watched both parts for was the case of a woman named Melissa.  She was so cute and enjoyable that you really WANT her to succeed.  She has what seemed like a very supportive husband, but as time goes on, I realized that he probably preferred her fat because she was his project, somebody to take care of, somebody who needed him.  You see the dynamic of their relationship change as she loses weight and becomes more independent, driving again, doing things for herself... You almost see him losing his identity.  Oh, and you also find out later he's been messing around on her, at least emotionally, and quite possibly physically.

Anyway, not to belabor his asshattery, it was really emotional to see her change so drastically and taking to her new life.  It was also alarming when I'd see that she had gained weight, feeling her fear along with her, wondering if, in the long run, she succeeded or slipped back into obesity.  I'd like to watch more of it if they continue to play it.  Partially to see how they dealt with it, and maybe even in part as relief that I'm not battling such a huge journey.  Sure, mine is great as well, but it's never been so alarmingly huge.

On the good side, I think I need to go down TWO sizes of underwear.  I found some 9s in a box of smaller clothes at the house, but when I put them on, the butt in them is still too big.  Seems I'm in the market for some 8s!  I'll take every NSV when it comes.  :)

Shock and awe

I bumped into somebody today who I haven't seen since mid- to late-2008, when I looked like this:

She was totally shocked to see me now looking like this:

It was really great to have somebody who hadn't seen me in years notice this huge change.  It's one thing when friends who maybe see me monthly notice, but she was so shocked and complimentary that I walked away feeling really great.

Now to do this to my siblings at Thanksgiving.  :)

Piggybacking on my post below...

The post I just made showing my measurements, and also based on a conversation I'm having with a friend who is in the beginning stages of her weight loss journey, I can't stress enough how important it is to use non-scale ways of measuring your success.  I say this because the last time I took my measurements was on September 19.  On that day, my weight was 196.4, while this morning it was 195.  So, in 20 days, I had only lost 1.4 pounds.  However, I also lost 3.75 inches.  Though the scale didn't show how well I did, the tape measure did.

We have become so conditioned through our lives to live and die by the scale that we allow it to dictate our success.  I still sometimes do when I get on it and see a slight gain or no loss.  I certainly have those old feelings.  But that's why I make sure to measure on a fairly regular basis.  Besides that, if truth be told, I'm certain I'm in a solid 14 by now (though I need to get more things in this size) -- at 195.  A 14.  Now, in the past, I remember getting excited when I lost weight some years back and got into a size 14 bathing suit, but I was about 185 pounds then.  So, I'm most certainly leaner at this 195 than I was at that 185.

Newest measurements

I weighed in today and hit a new low:  195!

I also decided to take measurements again today.  I tend to do them about every two or three weeks, though I don't have any set time frame.

The results are in.  Since my last measurements on September 19, I've lost another half inch lost in my bust, a half inch in my ribs, an inch in my abdomen, an inch in my hips, a quarter inch in each of my upper thighs, and a quarter inch in my right upper arm, for a total of 3.75 inches.

Just since June 15th, when I began taking measurements on this particular chart, I've lost 30.75 inches!  In four months, I've lost in the following areas:

Neck:  0.5"
Bust:  3.5"
Pecs:  3"
Ribs:  3.5"
Waist:  2.5"
Abdomen:  4.25"
Hips:  3.5"
Right Upper Thigh:  1.75"
Right Lower Thigh:  1.75"
Left Upper Thigh:  1.75"
Left Lower Thigh:  1.75"
Right Calf:  0.5"
Left Calf:  0.75"
Right Upper Arm:  1"
Left Upper Arm:  0.75"

Not too shabby.  :)