A year ago today, I left my marriage and set out on my own. It's hard to believe that it's been that long already, but it has. In the last year, I feel like I've regained my sanity, I've lost 55 pounds, and I've had 365 days of peace. It's amazing how little we realize the bad situation we live in when we're in it for so long. It just becomes part of who we are, like having bad vision and squinting or adjusting the distance of what we're trying to read in order to see -- and then you get glasses, and all of a sudden, everything is clear.
Though I do not take leaving my (or any) marriage lightly, I also wish I had done it years ago. I can only wonder where I'd be by now if I had, but I can't dwell on it.
Here's to a year dedicated to me.
Who Hid the Donuts?
My journey from fat to fab after Lap-Band surgery
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
"To the fatty running on the track this afternoon"
I read this post from a friend yesterday and thought it was really compelling.
But then, all of a sudden, the tone changes - and we find ourselves confronted with a seriously inspirational messages for all the would-be runners out there:
Via Facebook "There's something you should know: You f**ing rock.
"Every shallow step you take, you carry the weight of more than two of me, clinging to your bones, begging to be shaken off.
"Each lap you run, you're paying off the debt of another midnight snack, another desser, another beer..
"It's 20 degrees outside, but you haven't let that stop your regimen.
"This isn't your first day out here, and it certainly won't be your last. You've started a journey that lasts a lifetime, and you've started it at least 12 days before your New Year's resolution kicks in.
"You run without music, and I can only imagine the mantras running through your mind as you heave your ever-shrinking mass around the next lap. Let's go, feet. Shut up, legs. F**k off, fat.
"If you'd only look up from your feet the next time we pass, you'd see my gaze has no condescension in it.
"I have nothing but respect for you. You've got this."
We have to admit that, after reading that, we're suddenly feeling a LOT more inclined to lace up our running shoes and give pounding those pavements a go!
http://www.closeronline.co.uk/2014/03/to-the-fatty-running-on-the-track-this-afternoon-facebook-user-pens-surprising-message-to-overweight-runner
Facebook user pens a message to "the fatty running on
the Westview track" - but you might be surprised to read what they have
to say…
The message begins in a typically
condescending manner. It accuses the overweight runner of "footslogging
in the wrong direction", calls them out for wanting to "stop twice a
lap" and points out the "sweat" that "drenches" their body.But then, all of a sudden, the tone changes - and we find ourselves confronted with a seriously inspirational messages for all the would-be runners out there:
Via Facebook "There's something you should know: You f**ing rock.
"Every shallow step you take, you carry the weight of more than two of me, clinging to your bones, begging to be shaken off.
"Each lap you run, you're paying off the debt of another midnight snack, another desser, another beer..
"It's 20 degrees outside, but you haven't let that stop your regimen.
"This isn't your first day out here, and it certainly won't be your last. You've started a journey that lasts a lifetime, and you've started it at least 12 days before your New Year's resolution kicks in.
"You run without music, and I can only imagine the mantras running through your mind as you heave your ever-shrinking mass around the next lap. Let's go, feet. Shut up, legs. F**k off, fat.
"If you'd only look up from your feet the next time we pass, you'd see my gaze has no condescension in it.
"I have nothing but respect for you. You've got this."
We have to admit that, after reading that, we're suddenly feeling a LOT more inclined to lace up our running shoes and give pounding those pavements a go!
http://www.closeronline.co.uk/2014/03/to-the-fatty-running-on-the-track-this-afternoon-facebook-user-pens-surprising-message-to-overweight-runner
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
An open letter to the stranger I married 20 years ago
Just when I think it’s over.
Just when I think you can’t affect me anymore. Just when I think I’ve moved on, you sunk
your claws into me last weekend and dragged me down into depression for three
whole days. That was an amazing feat for
only having spent 2 ½ hours in your presence.
Well played.
If anything, it made me look back and realize how immobilized I felt
after being married to you for 20 years in that overwhelming cesspool of
despair and depression. If anything, it
made me MORE appreciate my time alone in my little condo, away from you, away
from the suck that is your life, away from your constant victimhood. I have had peace for a year, and I can’t put
a price on how good that feels.
When we met – and for years after that – I not only loved you, I ADORED
you, to the exclusion of myself. You
were fine when that was the game plan.
If I ever wanted to better myself, you ensured I was kept down and didn’t
succeed. When I graduated college with
honors, instead of acting proud, you acted surly. Maybe you knew that meant the beginning of
the end of your reign of misery in my life, because I wasn’t that pathetic
young girl anymore who “needed” you. You
weren’t willing or able to share in my victories with me.
You see, I outgrew you years ago.
The problem was twofold: I didn’t
realize it, and you emotionally shackled yourself to me like a ball and chain and
did everything you could to keep me off balance, doubting myself, and feeling
like this was the best I could get. Add
to that the fact that you’re a perpetual victim, so much so that I bet you
carry around your own crime scene chalk. You know, just in case anybody is left
unswayed by your constant caterwauling where the topic is always you and always
has the adjective “poor” attached to “you.”
Though I’ve never sworn to be a perfect angel (and have, in fact,
admitted many faults), I think things really started to unravel for us when I
quit adoring you, when I realized you were human, when I quit babying and
enabling you. Not only that, the
relationship suffered when I realized that the adoration was only one-sided. You claimed what drew you to me was that you
thought I needed rescuing. However, when
I became stronger, you resented it.
Hell, when I found myself still needing rescuing at times, you resented
that as well. The fact is, you simply
resent. I don’t even think you know what
you resent – you just focused on me and felt it HAD to be me. After watching you at work for nearly half my
life, I think you brought your resentment into the marriage and simply attached
it to me and to everything and everybody else that mattered to me.
This past weekend, you said you have changed. After listening to you for 2 ½ hours and how
you’re STILL rehashing things from the past 20 years instead of focusing on the
year since I left, I realize that nothing at all has changed. Oh, you feel stronger, more emboldened within
yourself these days. But it’s not growth
you feel. No, what you feel is
validated. You now go to individual and
group therapies, and you share your bizarre and twisted version of how things
went, and you are now getting your “poor you” fix that you so desperately need
like a fish needs water. I don’t say
this out of bitterness – I’ve SEEN you in action, SEEN you take and twist facts
and cloak yourself in passive-aggressiveness and color yourself as the
wide-eyed victim while coloring me as the bad guy.
The fact is, in the year since I left, I’ve lost 55 pounds and have
been making it. I take care of myself, I
have been hanging with friends, and I have even ventured out on a couple
dates. You, on the other hand, have gone
from being well-kept to looking like hell.
Your hair is grown past your shoulders, your goatee is 4 inches long and
graying, you’ve probably put on 15 pounds, and our house hasn’t been cleaned
since I left (not to mention the clutter that has accumulated). You say how great you’re doing, but as those
of us who have been grossly overweight for many years know, the outward manifestation
of our inward selves doesn’t lie. And it’s
not just that you’re a walking lie – it’s that you still chose to dump on me
last weekend and act as if I was the cause of all your internal grief. News flash:
I’M NOT.
But your words, for whatever reason, hit me hard during that 2 ½ hours. Old habits die hard, obviously. So for three days I took on YOUR pain, YOUR
misery, YOUR conflict as my own. I
carried that for you. Again. STILL.
You shit all over me, and I just took it. Not only did I take it, I took to heart some
of the things you said.
Then Tuesday came, and God spoke to me.
He literally said to me, as I was driving my car to work, “This man
stole your joy for 20 years. Are you
going to let him steal one more moment from you now that you’re in your safe
place, your oasis?” And I replied, “No,
I am NOT.” I’m done. I’ve been SO peaceful since I left you. I’m more alone than lonely, and I don’t have
to worry what’s in store for me when I get home. I don’t have to be subjected to cold
shoulders, constant criticisms, neurotic behaviors, denial of accountability,
or feelings of inadequacy. Granted, I
still need to cleanse my own brain from your pollution from time to time, but
since leaving you, the black cloud of confusion and sorrow that was my life has
been lifted.
If I ever wondered what I wanted to come of this separation, I have no
doubt now. You’re incapable of loving
another person, of being there for them, of being their partner, of being fair,
their champion, their friend. You ONLY
think about yourself, and that just doesn’t work for me. I don’t need you to love me anymore. I love me.
GOD loves me. And I’m done with
you.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Thinking... assessing... realizing...
I'm coming up on a year since I left my husband. I remember that around this time last year, I was actively planning my departure, though I don't remember when, exactly, I told him I would be moving out. But if I had to venture a guess, I'd say it's right about a year ago, with my leaving occurring at the end of March.
I remember how scared I was to make that move, but I had been too scared to do it for years. But last year... last year, I more mad and fed up than I was scared, and that's what propelled me forward. I got to the point where I'd rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than to put up with one more minute of his negativity and criticism.
So, now I've had a year to reflect. And in that year, I've lost 55 pounds, done well by myself, and felt a sense of freedom I haven't felt in far too long. And in that same year, he's gained weight, hasn't cut his hair and is growing out his goatee to a disgusting length, and hasn't cleaned the house I had turned into a veritable showplace. And he's become even more of a hermit than he already was.
What I have to share here in NO way is meant to say that I'm an angel and he's a devil. It's not about that. But at the same time, I have to look at the dynamic that was our relationship and how that relationship affected me, my mental health, and my physical health.
When I met him, I was CRAZY about him. I actually can say I loved him more than I loved myself. I loved him to a fault. I loved him so much that when I started to see the REAL him, I internalized it and believed that I had done something to make him change. I was the reason he was becoming sullen. I was the reason he didn't spend time with me or have anything to do with him. I lived in this bad place for many years, trying to figure out what "I did wrong" to make him change. I think he liked me in that place to some degree, because it took the focus off him and what HE was doing wrong.
However, during that time, I gained weight. A LOT of weight. At my highest, I had nearly doubled in size from what I was when we met. And, for obvious reasons, that caused me and us even more problems. I felt even worse about myself. I blamed my weight for the reasons he didn't have anything to do with me. I beat myself up further and punished myself for being a loser. It was a vicious cycle that was completely unhealthy and emotionally devastating.
Then I woke up. I realized that it wasn't all me. Hell, much of it was him, and much of my bad behaviors -- towards him and towards myself with food and self-loathing -- were coping mechanisms I had adopted to deal with his negativity. Much of what I had become was a direct result of what he was. He's a miserable person who doesn't realize his misery is internal and something he brought into the marriage as opposed to being my fault.
However, my waking up was not a good thing for him. My waking up meant that he could no longer hide behind the facade of everything being my fault. Now he's alone. If he's still miserable, who can he blame but himself? And how easy is that to do after blaming me for 20+ years?
Though I don't spend my days ruminating over this anymore, I do have the rare time when I think about how things went down -- if only to try to figure my own life out. Add to that a few friends I have who have great relationships, and my heart twinges with a bit of pain, wondering what my life would have been like had I had that kind of love, caring, support, and uplifting during all this time. Again, I don't exert too much time thinking like that because there's no way to request a redo. I made my choices, and I paid for them. Now, all I can do is learn from them.
Anyway, I feel as if I'm rambling now. All I'm trying to get across is that I feel as if I broke a spell of sorts by walking away from the destructiveness that is negativity, criticism, and bitterness. And since doing so, I'm starting to learn how to love myself and realize my own value. I no longer need to seek that from an outside source, nor do I need to "medicate" myself with food to fill the void that my marriage left.
It's amazing what a year can do.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
It must be February...
... because my complex gym was near empty again.
Wow, I thought people gave up on their resolutions by late February. Maybe March. But the FIRST WEEK? Really?
Not that I've been there in more than a week -- between working out in my condo and a little bit of my own slacking, I don't even remember the last time I was there. But I can tell you that when I was, there were about eight or nine folks there. Tonight, there were only about four of us at any given time.
This is why I don't really go for the whole "resolutions" thing. Too easy to break. Now, if only I would stop half-assing it. Weekends are becoming my problem lately, so I need to focus on that. That, and not consistently exercising the 5 to 6 days a week I was in later 2013. I've been at a weight standstill for a couple months now (well, I say standstill because I wasn't counting upward when I gained a three pounds over the holidays or when I gain a pound after a weekend of bad food choices), and I'm ready to start being true to myself again and following through with my eating and exercise plan. Otherwise, I'm just wasting time to stay at 190.
Wow, I thought people gave up on their resolutions by late February. Maybe March. But the FIRST WEEK? Really?
Not that I've been there in more than a week -- between working out in my condo and a little bit of my own slacking, I don't even remember the last time I was there. But I can tell you that when I was, there were about eight or nine folks there. Tonight, there were only about four of us at any given time.
This is why I don't really go for the whole "resolutions" thing. Too easy to break. Now, if only I would stop half-assing it. Weekends are becoming my problem lately, so I need to focus on that. That, and not consistently exercising the 5 to 6 days a week I was in later 2013. I've been at a weight standstill for a couple months now (well, I say standstill because I wasn't counting upward when I gained a three pounds over the holidays or when I gain a pound after a weekend of bad food choices), and I'm ready to start being true to myself again and following through with my eating and exercise plan. Otherwise, I'm just wasting time to stay at 190.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Half-assing it
Okay, what the hell is my problem? I have not yet really gotten back into the swing of diet and exercise since the first of the year. First it was the flu which started on January 3. I took it easy for about 10 days and just started back to working out last week, doing really well Monday through Thursday. Friday, a girlfriend came over, and we fixed drinks and had pizza. Saturday, nothing. No food logging, no exercise (though Saturday has been set aside as my day off). Sunday, I was going to go to kickboxing, something that I haven't done in FIVE weeks now, but I decided to sleep in and not go. Again, no exercise or food logging. Monday was a holiday, and again, no exercise or food logging. Tuesday and today I have been home due to the heavy snow and cold. Yesterday, no exercise or food logging. Today has been the same, though technically the day is not lost, so long as I don't MAKE it a loser.
At this rate, my FitBit is an expensive bracelet.
I don't know I'm in some sort of funk or if it's that I don't have a "goal" like I did last year when I was needing to fit into a dress, but I've GOT to get back on track. I was 0.2 pounds away from 100 lost, and THAT should be incentive enough -- to get into that "more than 100 pounds lost" category.
It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and get back on the wagon before the damn thing runs me over.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
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